Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Being In the World, But Not Of the World…

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Being In the World, But Not Of the World… What does this mean?

The Pharisees were big on extra laws and restrictive holiness, so that can’t be it…

Unlike Paul who says he was all things to all people…

What does this mean?

For me it means that, while I am to avoid sin, I am not to avoid everything. There are things that hold no temptation for me, so instead of avoiding them like a prude (making people uncomfortable) I have reached a maturity where I can listen, discuss and possibly persuade someone who is trapped by these desires to overcome their addictions.

This means that if I am not tempted by alcohol, I can minister to the alcoholic, where they are at. Not asking them to come to church or forfeit the gospel, but telling them about Christ’s love where they currently reside, whether it be a bar, home or homeless shelter.

This means that if I am not tempted to shed my clothes, I may become a minister to those who do. Those who strip, are caught up in prostitution, or simply live a lifestyle that says they crave appreciation in all the wrong ways. And I can meet them where they are at, not placing the burden on them to show up in my white-washed world, but rather by going to where they live, work and relax, not as a Pharisee, perfect in my condemnation, but as a sinner who was saved by the same grace that I present to them.

But how am I to do this if my definition of holiness involves my avoidance of all that is unseemly? And am I truly following Christ by keeping my associations pure? Did not Christ walk with prostitutes (Mary M.), thieves (Judas), the greedy (Matthew), terrorists (Simone the Zealot) and women of loose morals (the woman at the well)? Did He not allow a woman to wipe His feet with her hair and kiss Him excessively in her sorrow? (Lk 7:38) Did He ever rebuke her for doing things that ‘appeared’ sinful?

So if this isn’t ‘the appearance of evil,’ then what is?

Perhaps the ‘appearance of evil’ is when we make it look like we are part of the crowd in order to not be made fun of, instead of standing up for what is right. Perhaps it is when we do not clear up misconceptions that keep people from thinking we are Christians who do not agree with them. Perhaps it is when we do not stand up to the bully, making it look like we don’t see anything wrong, for fear of becoming the victim? Perhaps it is not so much the ministry to the sinner that we are to avoid, but the act of not letting the non-believer know, by your actions that you are a follower of Christ?

Both avoiding the sinner where they are at, and allowing the sinner to believe you are like them so they do not mock you are similar at the root. They both keep you comfortable, and do not put you in situations where your Christianity will make you uncomfortable. But is this really ‘taking up your cross’ and fulfilling the Great Commission? Or are both extremes misinterpretations of scripture designed to help avoid what we are really called to do- get into the trenches and save the lost?

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Life, Theology

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The Bible on Exercise

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

1 Timothy 4:8 For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. (NIV)

Ecclesiastes 11:10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless. (NIV)

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (NIV)

Proverbs 13:25 The righteous eat to their hearts’ content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry. (NIV)

VS

Proverbs 23:21 for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags. (NIV)

Proverbs 32:2 and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (NIV)

Proverbs 31:17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. (NIV)

Ecclesiastes 12:12 Be warned, my son, of anything in addition to them. Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. (NIV)

It’s about balance…

Our society today seems to have lost track of this fact. We are literally harpooning (pun intended) people with our sarcastic remarks. About what? Their behavior? (Which might be appropriate, especially if they are hurting somebody…) No, about their weight.

Why?

Because the culture has changed. Instead of a nice Rubenesque figure, we have decided pencil thin is the ideal. So we are using the Bible to support what the culture says. It’s been done before, but be careful. Most of the time it has been done in error; taking quotes out of context and making them fit what you wish to support.

So remember a few things:

1. Gluttony is more about using resources selfishly so that someone else will now have to do without. Why is this bad? When it comes to food it means that you are eating in excess knowing that someone else needs the food and will starve when it runs out. This explains why gluttony is a major sin, but it is thankfully not the state we live in today.

2. There are many reasons for weight gain. Some are genetic, some are disease states, and some are habits and laziness. Look at the person’s life before you criticize and remember:

Philippians 2:30 …because he almost died for the work of Christ. He risked his life to make up for the help you yourselves could not give me. (NIV)

There are some whose weight gain is due to stress. They have prioritized (sometimes correctly) something over their own needs. They have too much to do, or too great a burden, and that takes its toll. Life is not perfect, and sometimes there is no help available. Something must give, and often it is our health, our time for relaxation and exercise. Tired people do not go to the gym when they get a break- they try to catch up on their rest. Do not increase their burden by making them feel bad for not doing one more thing. And make sure that the reason they are burdened is not because of your laziness and lack of help… (If your gym time puts an excessive burden on your spouse, their weight gain is, in part, your fault.)

I am of course not advocating ill health and laziness. I am only saying that we need to step back and realize that, in the entire scheme of things, being godly trumps all.

Help with quotes from: http://www.blueletterbible.org

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Life

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Bullies

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

I am tired of hearing about children dying. I am tired of hearing trite, easy solutions. I am tired of seeing nothing constructive being done….

The main problem with bullies is that they operate under the radar. They are not the guy who punches you in the face and beats you in a fair fight. Nor are they the girl who is mad at you one day, and best friends the next. This is normal childhood behavior, and while it sucks, it is not what drives children to suicide. Bullying is a whole lot more…

Bullying occurs when a small group of kids develop a pack behavior. There is usually a leader, but he/she always has back-up, and the children not involved with the pack know to steer clear and allow whatever they are doing to go uninterrupted. Leaving and pretending not to notice is what the ‘good’ kids do, and who can blame them? This pack knows how to make a person’s life miserable in ways that are difficult to define and report. They also know how to suck up to the teachers and other people in authority. Bullies are rarely the ‘bad’ kids. No, they are the ‘popular’ kids. The ones teachers like, and other children want to have as their friends, not because they are so nice, but because not being liked by them makes you ‘left out.’

A true bully cannot be overcome by beating him in a fight, or finding a way to become her friend. If you do embarrass a bully, they will enlist help and tomorrow, and the next day and the next, you will pay. There is no way to defend yourself against a bully. True bullies do not ever allow themselves to be that vulnerable. Here are some of the things that bullies do:

They make their target feel ‘special.’ They treat them as if they are popular, or wonderful, and when they believe the target has relaxed and bought into it, they pull the rug out from under them. Bullies will go so far as to elect a person homecoming queen, or have a guy ask her to the prom. The girl has no choice but to buy the nice dress, and go through the motions, hoping it may be true. Then, at the last minute, the bullies will do something to let her know that this kind of honor could never really be hers and that she was a fool for thinking it would. Because of this the victim will grow to never trust anyone being nice to them. When they do have a good time with friendly people, they will go home and cry. Why? Because they want it to be real, can’t trust that it is, and don’t want it to go away. Socially awkward kids crave acceptance too.

Bullies pick on things the child cannot change, and things that are very personal. They know when people are watching, and choose their moments. Bullies love bathrooms, where a person feels most vulnerable. Many victims learn to hold their bladders until they get home. This is extremely tough on a girl with her period…

Bullies make it seem like everyone feels the same way they do. They set up scenarios that seemingly prove this. One group sent a blank sheet of paper around a class, claiming it was an attendance sheet. (Since the teacher had never taken attendance this way, everyone knew it was a set-up, but no one had the guts to not sign it.) After everyone had signed the sheet, they added a nasty paragraph to the top explaining that everyone who had signed did not like the person for the various cruel reasons listed. Bullies often enlist teachers too, using the schools rules to claim the victim was cheating, or cutting class when it was the bullies who somehow caused them to be detained etc.

Victims of bullying often develop ways of coping. One of my friends remembers a child who carried celery in his shirt pocket, neatly cut up, like a row of pens. Whether the child realizes it, or not, this is a self-preservation technique. If the children pick on him it is now not because they hate him, but because of the celery. The solution is not to get rid of the celery. In fact, getting rid of the celery will make it worse because the child will still be picked on, but now it is personal again.

Our old pediatrician had an interesting thought about acutane, the wonderful acne medication that sometimes leads to suicide. His theory was that the child with severe acne assumes that, when the acne disappears, they will no longer be picked on in school. As the acne resolves, and they continue to be a target, they become depressed, and end their life.

Why do people become the target? Typically it is because they are socially awkward. They may have acne, birthmarks, or just a high, or low IQ that keeps them from fitting in with their peers. It is not their social lack of ability that is the problem. Most people can find ways of liking and accepting them of given time. It is their isolation that makes them the perfect target. The wolves never go for the animal in the middle of the herd, no matter how defenseless the herd is; they always wait for an animal to be alone.

So what can we do?

As adults we can recognize the behavior of bullies for what it is, and actually do something about it. Punishing the bully directly will only make it worse. What needs to be done is to take away the bullies’ power. To do this, when you find the ‘attendance sheet’ with all of the names on it, you must make it public, and embarrassing for the ‘good kids’ so that it becomes less likely for it to happen again. But do it when the victim is not available, or you are just increasing their humiliation. Adults must also stop getting sucked into catering to the bullies. They are not your best friend, nor do they think you are the coolest teacher ever. These are ploys that allow them to do whatever they want without consequences. Don’t fall for them.

Since bullying is so far under the radar you will never totally eradicate it. But you can do things to help the victim. Gifted classes, special interest clubs etc where small groups of social misfits can find that niche where they feel accepted and loved help. But know that the bullies will show up. They will feign an interest in an attempt to destroy the club. This is what typically happens:

A group of socially awkward kids begin to enjoy an activity, like the school newspaper. It is a small group, and the teacher in charge would really like to see it grow. The popular kids show up. The teacher is ecstatic that they are showing an interest in something he/she loves. But on some level the teacher knows that they are not there to work, so she cuts them some slack. They are not held accountable for the things she assigns, and she gives them the best assignments that everyone who has been loyal to the paper wants. The children who loved working on the paper now hate it. Why? Because they are doing more work, since they have to make up for the things the popular kids are doing poorly, or not doing at all, leaving what used to be an easy task as a rush job to be done at the last minute. They are also not getting to do the things they really love, since these perks go to the kids the teacher is trying to bribe into staying. The original children are also getting picked on in a place that used to be a sanctuary. Not that the teacher would notice. First, bullies are always careful, and if they do get caught they are gifted at twisting the facts to make it look like they were not doing anything wrong, at least not knowingly. And second, the teacher is so motivated to get these children to stay that they ignore obvious problem behaviors. (Knowing a person may leave makes people chase after and cater to them.) Further, the bullies usually have a favorite teacher or two they can complain to that will talk to the teacher in charge and ‘fix’ things for them.

So how do we do things differently? We treat the popular kids the same as everyone else. When they show up they are required to learn, and are held accountable for the work assigned. They do not get breaks. We also make it so that the children who have been loyal, hardworking and ‘good’ feel that they can come to us with complaints. We then take their complaints seriously, and do something about them. If the paper needs to be late, who cares? We never, ever make a conscientious child pay for the laziness of another, and we let it be known, as a fact, kindly, not meanly, that by not doing what they are assigned the bully is the problem, but help is available if they need it- by the teacher. Never, ever force the victim to help the bully. This only gives the bully the opportunity to make things worse and traps the victim by placing him in a situation he does not feel he can get out of.

We also show love to the victim. Real love. Find ways to support what the victim likes, or teach the victim things they do not know, like how to dress, do their hair, put on make-up etc. But, do not expect the victim to do these things on a regular basis. A plain girl, when she suddenly looks beautiful will be bullied more than if she had not done anything, but these skills will help her in the future, when she is in a new situation and no one knows her yet, to not look like the type of person the bullies seek to destroy. (I called make-up my ‘war paint’ and put it on mainly when I knew I would be in a situation I felt forced to ‘do battle’ in. I grew out of the ugly duck stage and into a swan, and then back to an ugly duck- but at 43 that is more acceptable…)

Do not trivialize bullying. Do not ignore it. You will never catch everything a bully does, nor stop it entirely, so support the victim. If the victim is so socially awkward that you cannot honestly love them, then find people who can. No child should be made to feel so unloved that they cry when someone is nice to them, or kill themselves because no one seemed to care.

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Children, Life

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Working on the Sabbath

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Tomorrow is Easter, and I thought about stopping at the grocery store (the one I like by church) after church, instead of making a special trip today. Then I thought, even if it is open, do I want people to have to work on Easter? If I make it profitable, then it will likely be open next Easter. If no one shops on Easter, then it is more likely to decide to close for the day in the future.

As I was contemplating this, I thought of a conversation I had with a friend of mine. She was informed that going out to eat on Sunday was a sin, since it forced people to work on Sundays. We thought about this, as both of our families chose to go out after church as a ‘rest’ from cooking and dishes.

Here are some of the concerns we had:

1. Some non-Christians need the hours, and Sundays are a great way to make extra money while Dad is home watching the kids.

Our conclusion: By not going out to eat, you may be depriving a poorer family of an income. So if you do go out, make sure you tip well, and behave, since non-Christians know this is the ‘church-crowd’ they are serving.

2. Some Christians are told that they must be willing to work Sundays by their employers, so by going out on Sundays you encourage this.

Our conclusion: If you do go out on Sundays, never, ever, ever, look down on the person who cannot get the day off.

3. Many non-Christians use Sundays as a day to shop and get things done, so you will not succeed in closing down businesses just because you stay home.

Our conclusion: If there is a new believer where you work, and you are a seasoned church goer, offer to work Sunday so they can be ‘fed’ and be with the church family.

4. Some people have to work, and it is Biblical that they do so. Fireman, police officers, Emergency Room personnel all have responsibilities that do not cease just because it is Sunday.

Our conclusion: For anyone who for any reason needs to work on Sunday, even if it is just to feed their family (and they feel this is what God would want them to do), other options should be available. Host a Bible study or small group so they do not miss out on hearing the Word of God and church fellowship every week.

Now we did not reach an absolute conclusion on this subject. Like many of our conversations, our conclusion, in this imperfect world, was less than perfect, and we laughed at the idea of calling a restaurant and asking, ‘Do you have pagan servers working?’ as a way to bless those who do not know God, while ensuring those who do have the day off…

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Life

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Real Men Treat Women With Respect

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN8ujidL9kk

Have you seen the video from the students in Oregon? If not, check it out- it’s short, and I’ll wait.

It makes me wonder…

I wonder what is being modeled in the home. How is dad treating mom when she is ill. Is there a dad? Is mom picking men who treat her like trash and bringing them home? What is the disconnect? This behavior should be instinctual by the time you’re old enough to drive. Why isn’t it? What tells a teen that they are free to take advantage of another human being in our society?

Twitter posts from teachers show that this is not isolated thinking. We are doing something wrong. It’s time to do something right. Kudos to the students that are working to reverse this this trend.

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Life

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DORM LIFE…

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Over the years I have noticed that there is a difference between the people who lived in the dorms during college and those who did not. And I love the fact that I did.

Living in the dorms teaches you that life is not always the perfect, well-planned event you thought it would be.

College dorms are perhaps an extreme in life. Whoever thought putting hundreds of 18 to 21 year olds in tight quarters with minimal supervision for nine months of the year was a good idea was probably on crack- but every year millions of kids go off to live on campus and, for the most part, it works.

It also matures you.

As strange as that sounds, since most dorms do not resemble any living style that would normally be considered ‘mature,’ it does.

With all of the immaturity, differences in background and just plain idiocy going on most people learn something important in life.

They learn not to sweat the small stuff. Lots of stuff happens in the dorms. If you get upset with it all you will not last for long. Thankfully most people figure out how to let stuff roll off their backs without needing the help of a trained psychologist. (Though there are always a few psych students who think they can help…)

They learn to stand up for what is really important to them. Not everything counts as ‘small stuff.’ What is ‘big’ is different to different people. Communicating what someone can and can’t do in your space is an important skill, and the only way you are going to truly protect your precious stash of Ramon Noodles is to set clear boundaries. Really clear. Ramon Noodles are very popular with hungry co-eds. Buy some frozen fish and it will be all yours.

They also learn to respect other people’s boundaries. Sure, you may think that everyone likes to listen to KISS FM at three in the morning, but you may be wrong. Grouchy suite mates let you know in ways that get the point across so you never, ever do this again.

They then learn not to hold a grudge about anything said by grouchy people who are awakened by KISS FM at three a.m. If you are going to cease being friends with anyone who says anything you don’t like and hold a grudge then you will not have many friends in the dorms.

They learn to live together. Living with a variety of people in close quarters takes talent. One must realize that they will have to bend and that life will not always go the way they want it to. This makes marriage so much easier.

They also learn that many of the ‘rules’ in life are optional. These are not moral codes, but things like, ‘Use a spoon, not your fingers.’ In the dorms you learn to be flexible and use what you have. You also learn that you can go nine months without vacuuming and no one will die. These are not lessons your mother will necessarily appreciate, but they will allow you to properly prioritize when life gets busy and some things need to be ignored or you will never sleep. Children do better when parents sleep, so these are lifesaving techniques.

They also learn to be themselves. They can no longer blame things on their parents, so they must fess up and tell people they really just like going to bed at nine pm. They also cannot hide their little idiosyncrasies. When you are packed in like sardines your suite-mates know everything about you. And surprisingly, unless it is really annoying, they don’t care. You are you, and they are they and it is all okay. This is perhaps the greatest gift dorm life has for a person.

So, packing young adults into living conditions we would consider immoral to house the poor in actually works. It is not always fun, but in the end I think we ended up as better people for it. (And we all have some really funny stories we promise never to share if any of us runs for public office…)

Some things we learned include…

Everyone needs a cooking buddy, everyone.

Some rules need to be written down. These rules involve cooking.

When your friend holds a funeral for a fish, you join in, even if you don’t know the friend and were just walking by. Everyone grieves in different ways; respect it.

The person you woke up at 3 a.m. wakes up at 6 a.m. Expect retribution.

Ferrets do not like being wet.

If you cook fish, not your friend’s fish, you will find there are new cooking rules for the dorm. (Fish cooked in enclosed spaces smells, especially if it is cooked in a microwave…)

Playing hacky sac with Ramon Noodles is not a good idea. But surprisingly it does not require a vacuum to clean up.

Giving everyone a care package at the beginning of the year that includes shaving cream is not a good idea.

Female shaving creams act like carpet freshener- an unexpected side effect after the expected shaving cream war.

Don’t expect to use your shaving cream for shaving. There will be a day you will find yourself in need of arms…

The cleaning lady must love you. There’s no other explanation for why she keeps this job. Treat her well. (We love you Gail!)

Mugs can be used for soup- if you can call Ramon Noodles soup.

Mugs that have been left too long without cleaning should just be thrown out. Some things cannot be cleaned.

There are people, usually male people, who think it is okay to eat the best things off your plate. It is okay to stab said people with your fork.

Male people are good for opening jars. Their masculinity requires they do not give up without succeeding. It is therefore best not to stab them too hard and hinder their abilities.

When bored, one will watch anything on T.V. Case in point: We owned one VHS tape freshman year. We watched it over, and over, and over. I cannot for the life of me remember what movie that was… T.V. is therefore a great way to turn off one’s brain when overworked.

Falling asleep during a lecture by the dorm administrator is not seen as a sign of respect. And your dorm mates will not wake you up and help you out of this one. The longer you sleep the funnier it is, especially if you snore.

Parties in the honors dorm do not resemble parties. This is why the dorm administrator cannot find them. But it really upsets him when he sees the t-shirts for them after the fact.

Garbage cans make good punch bowls. Lampshades do not.

“Sharing your most embarrassing story” does not work as an icebreaker for the beginning of the year RA lecture. Anyone living in the dorms for over a year already knows your most embarrassing story and they are not telling since you know theirs as well. But don’t worry if you are new, you will soon be privy to all the stories. They are too good not to repeat, usually at 3 a.m.

Christmas trees planted by the dorms are sometimes rare, exotic trees that the university is very attached to and should therefore not be used for Christmas trees.

It is always best not to buy a dish brush that in anyway resembles a toilet brush and leave it in the bathroom.
If someone comes to your door selling expensive brownies it is good to be frugal.

Certain foods should be treated with care. These include jello, brownies, and raisin ice cream.

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Life

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Demons in the Media

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Before you jump on a bandwagon, look at the facts.

Ask yourself, “Who is being demonized?”

Check their history, do they deserve it?

If it is a group, look at the individuals. As individuals, are they a problem?

What you will typically find it that there is a small bit of truth, combined with a lot of exaggeration and lies.

What is the truth? Who is really the problem, and how are we handling them?

Sometimes the real ‘problem’ is the person, or group reaping the rewards, through bailouts, sympathetic press etc.

So do your homework, because our press isn’t, and let’s attack and fix real problems.

Though there’s a part of me that scared to see what all this smoke and mirrors may be hiding…. Hopefully it’s only stupidity.

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Life

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To Comfort…

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Many times in scripture there is not a word in English that adequately captures what the word in Greek is trying to convey. Such is the case with the word we translate ‘comfort.’

In English, the word ‘comfort’ conveys a picture of putting your arm around a person and making them feel better emotionally. In Greek, parakalo is better translated as ‘one who is called along side’ indicating that the one who comforts walks through the tough time with you. It is a word that implies action, and is not limited to the emotional.

In Jewish tradition, a family who has experienced a death is not left alone for the first week. Friends and distant relatives bring food and take turns staying with the bereaved. The family is responsible for nothing, and is not even expected to shower. They have a week to be in as deep mourning as they wish.

Further the ‘comforters’ are not to talk unless the bereaved speaks first, and then they are only to talk on the topics the bereaved introduces. Some people need to talk about the deceased to obtain closure; others need to take their mind off their misery by speaking of anything but the deceased. This ‘rule’ allows the person who has experienced a loss to direct the conversation onto what they feel would be helpful to them.

After the week is over a Jewish person prays daily for the deceased for up to eleven, or twelve months. Close friends may join them in prayer. This too provides a measure of comfort, but also provides a time when the period of mourning is expected to be over.

The point: Comfort involves walking through life with a person. Here the Jewish mourning traditions provide a way for people to participate with the grieving in a healthy manner.

How many times have we felt ’empty’ and ‘useless’ when trying to comfort someone during difficult times? This may be because we were only trying to affect their emotional state without addressing their very real need for human companionship, or even their need for very real help. Approaching comfort as an act by which one comes up along side another and walks through difficulties with them may give us a more satisfying way to approach those we love who are struggling through the trials of life.

(For more information on mourning in the Jewish culture: http://www.aish.com/jl/l/dam/ABCs_of_Death__Mourning.html)

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Life

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The Truth About Discipleship

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

I was watching the movie Courageous (good movie, by the way). At the end of the movie they show a man ‘discipling’ an obviously troubled younger man. This is good. I wish more people would take younger people under their wings and help them in life. The problem is that it is not easy.

In the movie the young man was intently listening and obviously hungry to hear what the older man had to say. This is a rare case, and typically only happens when the young man has grown up in a decent environment so he learned how to behave, just not about Christ. These are not the young people who most desperately need to be discipled.

The people who come to Christ and need to learn a new way of living come with a lot of baggage. And it is not just about having them clean up their lives. You are going to have to tackle the thought processes that have enabled them to believe that doing the things that have been messing up their lives is good. And this is a difficult thing to do.

Here is what you typically see:

1. Stinking Thinking:

– “I don’t see who it’s hurting.”
-“What about me and my rights?”
-“I don’t see why I should have to…”
-“If they don’t like me the way I am they can just…”
-“My boss hates me…”
-“If everyone would just leave me alone…”

With ‘stinking thinking’ it is never their fault. The blame is always shifted onto another person. Trying to explain how they could have done things differently is nearly impossible because their focus is on how unfair everything is to them and how they should not have to do whatever it is they do not want to do.

2. Emotional Instability:

-Hot-headed behavior

This can be yelling, cursing or physically lashing out. They may shove you or otherwise try to physically intimidate you. They may stand up and/or get in your face. They have learned that intimidation causes people to back down and it gets them their way, at least in the short term. You will need to stand firm and set good boundaries.

-Drama

Somehow you will have said or done something that hurt their feelings. They become over-emotional and want you to come over and fix it immediately. Again, you need to not let this shake you. Set good boundaries and do not go running to them, or you will be doing this again next week, and the next week, and the next… They may even threaten to kill themselves. Taking them seriously and going to the ER typically ends this, if it is a bluff, when they realize that you are willing to leave them in the hands of a mental health professional for a three day stay against their will. (This is standard treatment for someone who is suicidal. It is a good thing when the person truly needs help. It is a colossal waste of time for a person who is faking it to get attention.)

3. Life crisis:

-There will likely be late night phone calls about things that you need to ‘fix’ for them now. They may ‘remind’ you in not so pleasant terms that you promised to ‘help.’ Typically these situations can wait until morning to be figured out and do not require you forking over sums of money or allowing the person to move in with you and your family. (By the way, people who move in at 3 am are often difficult to evict, and do not behave. That is why they found themselves homeless at 3 am.)

4. Manipulation:

You will likely be made to feel guilty about something. People who have lives that need changing are used to getting things by any means possible. If that means taking advantage of the fact that you are ‘nice’ and using your soft-heartedness for their advantage then that it was they will do. They may not even realize they are doing it. It is a pattern they learned growing up and it works.

5. Lying:

Everyone wants people to think the best of them. People who truly need help typically did not grow up being honest. Check everything you can and question everything before you give advice and help. Typically they are not used to being called on their lies so they unravel if you just probe a bit, but some people are experts at the craft. If you are going to truly help you need to know what is truly happening in their lives. You may even want to establish up front that your ‘help’ stops as soon as the lies start, and that they may come back when they are ready to be honest.

The point is: Do not believe everything they say. Let me repeat: Do not believe everything they say, even if they seem to have proof. Why? Because their lives did not get to the point of them needing your help because they were wonderful people who did nothing wrong. Even if they seem to have everything lined up, ask yourself, ‘How could things get so messed up if this person was doing everything so well?’ Ninety-nine percent of the time you are missing an important piece of the picture. (I know a person who went to job interviews and just stared at the person doing the interview saying nothing the entire time. Still wondering why she didn’t get the job? You never think to ask, ‘Did you talk to the person at all when they interviewed you?’) Remember, you can ask their permission to talk to the people they interact with. Most employers or interviewers, when they know that you are trying to help will give you the information you need. These are generally nice people who would like to see the person you are working with succeed.

6. Broken Relationships:

In truly messed up situations broken relationships are the norm. While you need to help them ‘fix’ their relationships the other person in the relationship typically has just as many problems as the person you are working with, and you have little to no influence over them. Occasionally this is not true and their parents, spouse or children are doing well, but since the person you are working with came out of the same environment these people are in this is typically not the case. It will take the wisdom of Solomon to unravel some of these estrangements.

7. More problems than you can handle:

Typically people who have lives that need help fixing have more problems than people who have lives that work are typically equipped to handle. Have people you can bounce ideas off of, and who can help you problem-solve and/or emotionally support you. Also get to know what services there are in your community. Financial counseling, continuing education, work counseling, GED programs, short term assistance or housing are all things that may help the person as well.

8. Burn-out:

The goal is to help people as much as possible. You cannot do this if you become burnt out. Remember, the good Samaritan left the man at the inn with someone he trusted while he finished his business. He did not move the person in with him and neglect all he needed to do in life. When you are helping someone you need to keep a good balance. If their problems begin to overwhelm you then you will end up breaking the relationship. This is not good for either of you, and because of your bad experience you will be less likely to help the next person who comes along. Keep yourself strong and you will be able to help this person, and many more. And, if this person succeeds, then they will be able to help others as well.

Also remember that not everyone ‘succeeds.’ God gave us all free will and sometimes, even if you do everything humanly possible, some people choose to fail. (Remember, there were only two people in the garden who had complete access to God, who is perfect, and they chose to do wrong.) Re-evaluate to see if there were things you could have done better, but don’t beat yourself up over it. At least you tried, and that is more than what most people would have done.

Discipleship is a dying, but necessary art. It is like fine weaving. It is difficult, and sometimes you have to back up and undo much of what is already there because there was a serious flaw in the fabric, but when you are finally done, the results are beautiful!

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Church Problems, Life

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For Everyone Who Gets Drawn Into Chaos… Here’s An Answer

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

Philippians 4: 8 is contained within a letter that addresses two women who are fighting with each other and what to do when people think differently. This verse is not the whole answer, but it does address what we are to do within ourselves to keep the peace.

It is about what we are to focus our thoughts on.

And it does not say to focus on what the other person said, or did to you. Nor does it say to focus on whatever you believe to be ‘stupid,’ and ‘ungodly.’ Instead it tells us to focus on the truth, not on our opinion of the truth, but on what scripture actually says, because that is the only truth. It is only then that we may accurately discern what is right, and find the ways to explain it to others (rather than yell and try to cram the same things down their throats over and over again).
We are also to focus on what is noble. Wanting to tear someone apart is not typically ‘noble’ behavior, so all of those thoughts about what you would like to see happen to the other person need to be pushed aside. What is noble is to work in the best interests of those with whom you disagree. This may not mean that you buddy up to them and become their best friend. There are very real reasons why we sometimes disagree, and the Bible does tell us to stay far from the wicked and the hot tempered. But, as hard as it may be to do so, we are to focus on being the best person we can be.

This involves doing what is right. So there is no thought of doing anything vindictive, or passive-aggressive to get the person back. We are to do what is right to do. This also means that we do what is right with regards to the rest of our relationships as well. We do not allow the person we are in conflict with to consume us so that we do not function well in the other areas of our life. We also do not drop everything to run and cater to the person whom we are in conflict with when they make unreasonable demands. Bad behavior is often a ploy to get attention and love in an unhealthy way. Dropping everything in hopes of fixing a relationship over and over again will only reinforce needy behavior, make you miserable, and strain your healthy relationships. Doing what is ‘right’ means that you try to fix the things you can, but you also recognize when someone is being unreasonable, and you do not deprive those who are behaving for unreasonable requests.

We are also to think about what is pure. Your love for your spouse, your children, your love for the Lord- those things are pure, and deserving of your attention. Thinking about what mean thing so-and-so-said, or how much you hate someone is not. Re-focus your attention to the good in your life. Focus on what the people around you do right, rather than on what they do wrong. And learn to put the people who frequently abuse you into a low-priority slot when it comes to the things you allow yourself to think on.

Think about what is ‘lovely’ to you. God created the world and put some impressively talented people in it. Surround yourself with things that you find pleasing. Grow flowers, invest in art if that is what pleases you. I like earth-toned, well-worn objects and my children’s creations. What is ‘lovely’ to you does not have to be ‘lovely’ to everyone. Make sure your home is calming. Play music and create beautiful memories.

Think about what is admirable. When the Sandy Hook massacre happened old advice from Mr. Rogers was circulated telling us to help our children focus on the people who helped and not the man who caused the hurt. While bad people exist in this world it is still amazing to see how many people come together to help when they are needed, even to the point of giving their own lives. Focus on those who sacrifice- the police, firemen, rescue workers. And teach your children about the heroes. Sadly we probably know more about Hitler than we do Mother Theresa. This should change. People need role models to understand what it is to be admirable. Focus on those who are and apply their example to your own life as well.

Finally, we are told to think about what is excellent, or praiseworthy. It is empowering to see what someone else has done well, and doing well is what we should strive for. We are not to settle for less than we could achieve, but instead we were made to use our talents in ways that only we, being unique, could. And we are to praise those who do well. Lifting up people who go above and beyond encourages them and others to do even more. Praise, given when something is truly praiseworthy, buoys the spirit and gives one energy to push even further. Admiring what is good also makes it difficult to have the conflicting emotion that comes with focusing on what is bad. Keep life in perspective, and remember that the ‘good’ deserves more of your attention than the ‘bad.’ It is not that we do not take care of the problems, but when they are done being handled, we are to move on to more wholesome thoughts, trusting God to do the rest in His time.

So, do not allow petty disagreements to consume you, leaving you unavailable for other people who have not recently mistreated you. While words do hurt, we must work to avoid allowing the problems in our lives to be the primary focus of our attention. In doing this we deprive good people of the love and care they deserve from us as well. Prioritize those who treat you well. Not the flatterers, but the ones who truly have your back and love you.

You have a choice. You can fill your head with garbage, awful thoughts that depress and consume. And you can fill your time with people with whom nothing ever seems to go right and you are always crying over. Or, you can choose something different. You can seek people who don’t invite drama into their relationships (be warned, they prioritize well, so you will not have their constant attention- this is co-dependency and it is not healthy!). You can seek to surround yourself with what is good, and focus on what is positive, instead of what is negative. This is what is healthy. This is what allows you to love, and be free and feel joy. This is what God wants for your life.

Will petty squabbles come? Yes. But they are not to consume you. In a healthy relationship there will be fights and misunderstandings, but they will be resolved and as the relationship grows they will become fewer. Immature relationships are marked with frequent fighting, that seems to be resolved, usually with a overly emotional ending where everyone loves each other again, only to be re-enacted in the near future. These are the relationships you need to set boundaries on and de-prioritize. They resolve more quickly when they receive less attention, but it is really the maturing process of the person who engages in this behavior that will determine how long they last, not you, so do what you can, leave it to God and think on other things.

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Life

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