Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…

Is Sin Relative?

April 29, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Micah Murray asked a few questions on Twitter that I felt should be answered. Unfortunately, to answer responsibly will take a lot longer than 140 characters, and probably longer than most blog posts should be…
He asks about Rahab, and it being seemingly okay for her to lie about the spies hidden on her roof, about the God-commanded genocide in Canaan, and whether sin is relative. These are all excellent questions, and they are often answered with platitudes that convey very little that satisfies that asker.

So here we go…

The first question is: Is there any time when it is okay to lie? And the answer is yes. In my sarcastic/snarky way I usually sum it up like this, “For the most part, God does not condone lying. In the Bible the devil is known as the Father of Lies, and the need to tell the whole truth is heavily stressed. BUT, when a crazed psychopath bent on killing someone barges into your house and asks where someone is in order to kill them you can lie your bottom off.”

How do I come to this conclusion? When the midwives lied to Pharaoh to save babies, they, childless women, were blessed with children of their own. (Ex. 1) When Samuel goes to anoint David as the next king of Israel, and Samuel expresses his fear of Saul to God, God tells him to tell Saul he is merely going to make a sacrifice (which he does do). Why? Because Saul will likely try to kill the next king in order to secure the throne for his children, which he does when he finds out. (1 Sam. 16) Rahab too lies to save lives. We have a bit more trouble with this one, since these men are spies, a job we do not usually consider ‘innocent.’ There are extenuating circumstances here. (Remember, the prostitute is the most godly person in this town.) Canaan and Jericho are not good places. (More on this later. Right now just take my word for it.) It would not be proper to destroy a place without seeing how the people behave for yourselves, so spying, by responsible individuals is proper in this situation. (Jos. 6)

This leads us to the next question: Why is genocide okay in the Old Testament?

What we see in the Bible, during the time of Canaan, are a large number of tiny communities bent on destroying one another whenever possible. Here is a list of their heinous activities:
1. Raiding for fun. (1 Sam 13:17-21)
2. Going to war every spring. (2 Sam 11:1, 1 Chron. 20:1)
3. Killing the wives and children of others. (2 Kings 8:12)
4. Enslaving anyone they wish to oppress. (Judges 2:14)
5. Rape and torture. (Dt. 28:30)
6. Stealing food so the people will starve. (Judges 6:11)
7. Destroying fields and crops so the people starve for fun. (Judges 6:3)
8. Orgies and forced prostitution. (1 Kings 14:24)
9. Sacrificing their oldest child to gain blessings from their gods. (2 Kings 3:27)
10. Burying their youngest child in the foundation of their homes (most likely alive) to bless their house. (archeology)
11. Leaving unwanted babies on rocks to die in the weather or from animal attack. (old writings)
12. Heinous tortures before killing prisoners. (archeology)
13. Killing the old, young and pregnant at the back of a caravan for sport. (Dt. 25:18)
14. Ripping babies out of pregnant women’s bellies while they are still alive. (2 Kings 15:16)
15. Watching baby animals slowly die as they are boiled in their mother’s milk. (Ex. 23:19)
16. Putting their children ‘through the fire’ to see if the gods meant for the baby to live. (Dt. 12:31)

Remember Gideon, who was hiding in a wine press trying to thresh grain where no one would see him? There was a good reason for this. If the neighbors the Israelites did not kill when they were told to saw him they would take the grain, or destroy it, and his family would starve to death slowly that winter. These were people who did evil for fun. (Judges 6)

God does not condone, even during this time, the mass extinction of just anyone. The Israelites are to remain within their boundaries, and are not to keep a standing army. (1 Sam 8:12) They will only have a volunteer force of men 20 and over for defense. (Num 1:3, Dt. 20:8) The rest of the time the men will be at home working their land. (1 Sam 8)

So why did the Israelites need to kill the women and children as well? Aren’t they innocent?
The Bible gives us some answers to this in the story of Haman, and another child that was left alive.
Haman is an Agagite, meaning he is descended from Agag, the king Saul was supposed to kill. Tradition tells us that between the time Saul captured Agag, and Samuel arrived, Agag escaped, hid with a concubine and she conceived. The result was the line that produced Haman. Haman was not part of a group that wished to wipe the Jews off the face of the earth. (1 Sam 15, Esther 9:24) 1 Kings 11 also tells us about a baby who grows into a man who causes great trouble for Israel, though in his case Joab was wrong for killing his people…

Further, many remind us that the innocent go to heaven. If they had continued to live here, learning to hate, this would likely not be their eternal fate. We also see, in the rescue of Lot, that God does save the righteous from destruction when there is hope.

Still, the genocide we see in the Bible occurs in extremely limited times, and for extremely limited reasons. Abraham is told that the land cannot be his because the sin of the people in the land is not great enough to warrant eviction. (Gen 15:16) We see that the people who fled Canaan were not killed, only the ones who stayed. (Gen. 9:4) And we see, once the era of warlords and terrorists ceases in this area, the Biblical instruction is to obey the laws of the oppressors and work to bless them. (Jer. 29:7, Lk 6:28) Orders to wipe everyone out are only for those who are extreme in their cruelty as a society, and, it seems, only with a very clear mandate from God.
So, is it all relative when it comes to sin? Not in the way most people speak of it today, but in many ways, yes, it is.

We have seen that you may lie to protect the innocent, but let us look at a few more examples.

Aaron’s oldest sons offered incense of their own design, instead of doing what God told them, and they were smote. Right after this Aaron’s younger sons did not eat the portion of the offering as God told them to, but instead burned the whole thing. They disobeyed, but were not smote. Why? Because their motive was to please God. They felt they were not worthy to eat part of the offering due to what had happened to their brothers today. (Lev. 10:19-20)
We then see the priest giving the Bread of Presence to David and his men to eat, even though it is set aside to be eaten by the High Priests alone. Jesus emphasizes that this was not a sin. Why? Likely because David’s men were truly in need of food. They had come to the Tent of Meeting hoping to share in a fellowship offering (which was typically offered and shared with all who were there). There was no food, even the regular offerings seem to be missing. Why? Because the people were not sacrificing as they should. The priest is now in a bind. He can either refuse hospitality, and refuse to feed truly hungry men, or break God’s rule. God’s rule was likely meant so the priests were provided for. Here David and his men have a greater need, and it is apparently okay to prioritize that need. (Mk. 2:25-28)

We also see in Hosea 4:14 that God refused to punish the women who turn to prostitution and adultery because of the actions of the men that lead to this corruption.

This does not mean that we allow everyone to do whatever they want. Jewish theologians point out that these situations typically occur when one commandment is in conflict with another, so one must weigh the two and decide which is the more important one to follow. We do this today.

No one calls an ectopic pregnancy that is treated by removing the embryo growing in the fallopian tube an abortion. Why? Because the baby will not survive if left to grow there, and it will likely kill the mother, cause her serious problems, or affect her future fertility if left alone too long. Would it be nice if we could relocate the embryo and allow the pregnancy to continue? Sure, but we are not there yet, so we have to make a choice. And since the choice is baby and mom die, or just baby die, we choose to remove the baby.

We also allow police to enter a home if they have reason to believe someone is being attacked without a warrant. Preventing a murder supersedes your right to privacy.

So, how did we all learn that there was never a time to lie in most of our churches, and that morality was black and white, when the Bible clearly teaches it is not always that way?

Most people point to a man named Immanuel Kant. Despite his name he was not a Christian, but a philosopher who taught a very absolute view of morality. This philosophy leaked into he church, and has remained part of many sermons. The Jewish people do not appreciate his teachings, since many Jewish people were saved because of the lies told by their Gentile neighbors. Kant would have been honest, to the detriment of the Gentile and the people they were protecting…

Gandhi had a similar problem. His teachings of non-violence worked well in India, against England, a country that had a few people in charge at the time whose morality could be appealed to, once one got their attention. Gandhi then wrote to England advising them not to resist Hitler, telling them that their non-resistance would cause Hitler to see his sin and change his ways. The Jewish people were not impressed by this advice either.

As we see, there is a time for certain actions, but other times completely different means are necessary. It takes wisdom to know when to do what. This is why we must study our scripture, talk about it, and debate every option in depth before situations occur, because life is not easy. It is not an ‘if this then this’ style of existence. Sure, there are things one must absolutely not do, but then there are the extremes, when life is so full of sin and wrong choices that it is hard to know how to work your way out. This is why we need to study, and pray, and remain close to God, not so much for the easy days, but for the days when nothing seems like a good choice.

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Theology

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Being In the World, But Not Of the World…

April 25, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Being In the World, But Not Of the World… What does this mean?

The Pharisees were big on extra laws and restrictive holiness, so that can’t be it…

Unlike Paul who says he was all things to all people…

What does this mean?

For me it means that, while I am to avoid sin, I am not to avoid everything. There are things that hold no temptation for me, so instead of avoiding them like a prude (making people uncomfortable) I have reached a maturity where I can listen, discuss and possibly persuade someone who is trapped by these desires to overcome their addictions.

This means that if I am not tempted by alcohol, I can minister to the alcoholic, where they are at. Not asking them to come to church or forfeit the gospel, but telling them about Christ’s love where they currently reside, whether it be a bar, home or homeless shelter.

This means that if I am not tempted to shed my clothes, I may become a minister to those who do. Those who strip, are caught up in prostitution, or simply live a lifestyle that says they crave appreciation in all the wrong ways. And I can meet them where they are at, not placing the burden on them to show up in my white-washed world, but rather by going to where they live, work and relax, not as a Pharisee, perfect in my condemnation, but as a sinner who was saved by the same grace that I present to them.

But how am I to do this if my definition of holiness involves my avoidance of all that is unseemly? And am I truly following Christ by keeping my associations pure? Did not Christ walk with prostitutes (Mary M.), thieves (Judas), the greedy (Matthew), terrorists (Simone the Zealot) and women of loose morals (the woman at the well)? Did He not allow a woman to wipe His feet with her hair and kiss Him excessively in her sorrow? (Lk 7:38) Did He ever rebuke her for doing things that ‘appeared’ sinful?

So if this isn’t ‘the appearance of evil,’ then what is?

Perhaps the ‘appearance of evil’ is when we make it look like we are part of the crowd in order to not be made fun of, instead of standing up for what is right. Perhaps it is when we do not clear up misconceptions that keep people from thinking we are Christians who do not agree with them. Perhaps it is when we do not stand up to the bully, making it look like we don’t see anything wrong, for fear of becoming the victim? Perhaps it is not so much the ministry to the sinner that we are to avoid, but the act of not letting the non-believer know, by your actions that you are a follower of Christ?

Both avoiding the sinner where they are at, and allowing the sinner to believe you are like them so they do not mock you are similar at the root. They both keep you comfortable, and do not put you in situations where your Christianity will make you uncomfortable. But is this really ‘taking up your cross’ and fulfilling the Great Commission? Or are both extremes misinterpretations of scripture designed to help avoid what we are really called to do- get into the trenches and save the lost?

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Life, Theology

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The Bible on Exercise

April 23, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

1 Timothy 4:8 For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. (NIV)

Ecclesiastes 11:10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless. (NIV)

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (NIV)

Proverbs 13:25 The righteous eat to their hearts’ content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry. (NIV)

VS

Proverbs 23:21 for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags. (NIV)

Proverbs 32:2 and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. (NIV)

Proverbs 31:17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. (NIV)

Ecclesiastes 12:12 Be warned, my son, of anything in addition to them. Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. (NIV)

It’s about balance…

Our society today seems to have lost track of this fact. We are literally harpooning (pun intended) people with our sarcastic remarks. About what? Their behavior? (Which might be appropriate, especially if they are hurting somebody…) No, about their weight.

Why?

Because the culture has changed. Instead of a nice Rubenesque figure, we have decided pencil thin is the ideal. So we are using the Bible to support what the culture says. It’s been done before, but be careful. Most of the time it has been done in error; taking quotes out of context and making them fit what you wish to support.

So remember a few things:

1. Gluttony is more about using resources selfishly so that someone else will now have to do without. Why is this bad? When it comes to food it means that you are eating in excess knowing that someone else needs the food and will starve when it runs out. This explains why gluttony is a major sin, but it is thankfully not the state we live in today.

2. There are many reasons for weight gain. Some are genetic, some are disease states, and some are habits and laziness. Look at the person’s life before you criticize and remember:

Philippians 2:30 …because he almost died for the work of Christ. He risked his life to make up for the help you yourselves could not give me. (NIV)

There are some whose weight gain is due to stress. They have prioritized (sometimes correctly) something over their own needs. They have too much to do, or too great a burden, and that takes its toll. Life is not perfect, and sometimes there is no help available. Something must give, and often it is our health, our time for relaxation and exercise. Tired people do not go to the gym when they get a break- they try to catch up on their rest. Do not increase their burden by making them feel bad for not doing one more thing. And make sure that the reason they are burdened is not because of your laziness and lack of help… (If your gym time puts an excessive burden on your spouse, their weight gain is, in part, your fault.)

I am of course not advocating ill health and laziness. I am only saying that we need to step back and realize that, in the entire scheme of things, being godly trumps all.

Help with quotes from: http://www.blueletterbible.org

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Life

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Bullies

April 8, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

I am tired of hearing about children dying. I am tired of hearing trite, easy solutions. I am tired of seeing nothing constructive being done….

The main problem with bullies is that they operate under the radar. They are not the guy who punches you in the face and beats you in a fair fight. Nor are they the girl who is mad at you one day, and best friends the next. This is normal childhood behavior, and while it sucks, it is not what drives children to suicide. Bullying is a whole lot more…

Bullying occurs when a small group of kids develop a pack behavior. There is usually a leader, but he/she always has back-up, and the children not involved with the pack know to steer clear and allow whatever they are doing to go uninterrupted. Leaving and pretending not to notice is what the ‘good’ kids do, and who can blame them? This pack knows how to make a person’s life miserable in ways that are difficult to define and report. They also know how to suck up to the teachers and other people in authority. Bullies are rarely the ‘bad’ kids. No, they are the ‘popular’ kids. The ones teachers like, and other children want to have as their friends, not because they are so nice, but because not being liked by them makes you ‘left out.’

A true bully cannot be overcome by beating him in a fight, or finding a way to become her friend. If you do embarrass a bully, they will enlist help and tomorrow, and the next day and the next, you will pay. There is no way to defend yourself against a bully. True bullies do not ever allow themselves to be that vulnerable. Here are some of the things that bullies do:

They make their target feel ‘special.’ They treat them as if they are popular, or wonderful, and when they believe the target has relaxed and bought into it, they pull the rug out from under them. Bullies will go so far as to elect a person homecoming queen, or have a guy ask her to the prom. The girl has no choice but to buy the nice dress, and go through the motions, hoping it may be true. Then, at the last minute, the bullies will do something to let her know that this kind of honor could never really be hers and that she was a fool for thinking it would. Because of this the victim will grow to never trust anyone being nice to them. When they do have a good time with friendly people, they will go home and cry. Why? Because they want it to be real, can’t trust that it is, and don’t want it to go away. Socially awkward kids crave acceptance too.

Bullies pick on things the child cannot change, and things that are very personal. They know when people are watching, and choose their moments. Bullies love bathrooms, where a person feels most vulnerable. Many victims learn to hold their bladders until they get home. This is extremely tough on a girl with her period…

Bullies make it seem like everyone feels the same way they do. They set up scenarios that seemingly prove this. One group sent a blank sheet of paper around a class, claiming it was an attendance sheet. (Since the teacher had never taken attendance this way, everyone knew it was a set-up, but no one had the guts to not sign it.) After everyone had signed the sheet, they added a nasty paragraph to the top explaining that everyone who had signed did not like the person for the various cruel reasons listed. Bullies often enlist teachers too, using the schools rules to claim the victim was cheating, or cutting class when it was the bullies who somehow caused them to be detained etc.

Victims of bullying often develop ways of coping. One of my friends remembers a child who carried celery in his shirt pocket, neatly cut up, like a row of pens. Whether the child realizes it, or not, this is a self-preservation technique. If the children pick on him it is now not because they hate him, but because of the celery. The solution is not to get rid of the celery. In fact, getting rid of the celery will make it worse because the child will still be picked on, but now it is personal again.

Our old pediatrician had an interesting thought about acutane, the wonderful acne medication that sometimes leads to suicide. His theory was that the child with severe acne assumes that, when the acne disappears, they will no longer be picked on in school. As the acne resolves, and they continue to be a target, they become depressed, and end their life.

Why do people become the target? Typically it is because they are socially awkward. They may have acne, birthmarks, or just a high, or low IQ that keeps them from fitting in with their peers. It is not their social lack of ability that is the problem. Most people can find ways of liking and accepting them of given time. It is their isolation that makes them the perfect target. The wolves never go for the animal in the middle of the herd, no matter how defenseless the herd is; they always wait for an animal to be alone.

So what can we do?

As adults we can recognize the behavior of bullies for what it is, and actually do something about it. Punishing the bully directly will only make it worse. What needs to be done is to take away the bullies’ power. To do this, when you find the ‘attendance sheet’ with all of the names on it, you must make it public, and embarrassing for the ‘good kids’ so that it becomes less likely for it to happen again. But do it when the victim is not available, or you are just increasing their humiliation. Adults must also stop getting sucked into catering to the bullies. They are not your best friend, nor do they think you are the coolest teacher ever. These are ploys that allow them to do whatever they want without consequences. Don’t fall for them.

Since bullying is so far under the radar you will never totally eradicate it. But you can do things to help the victim. Gifted classes, special interest clubs etc where small groups of social misfits can find that niche where they feel accepted and loved help. But know that the bullies will show up. They will feign an interest in an attempt to destroy the club. This is what typically happens:

A group of socially awkward kids begin to enjoy an activity, like the school newspaper. It is a small group, and the teacher in charge would really like to see it grow. The popular kids show up. The teacher is ecstatic that they are showing an interest in something he/she loves. But on some level the teacher knows that they are not there to work, so she cuts them some slack. They are not held accountable for the things she assigns, and she gives them the best assignments that everyone who has been loyal to the paper wants. The children who loved working on the paper now hate it. Why? Because they are doing more work, since they have to make up for the things the popular kids are doing poorly, or not doing at all, leaving what used to be an easy task as a rush job to be done at the last minute. They are also not getting to do the things they really love, since these perks go to the kids the teacher is trying to bribe into staying. The original children are also getting picked on in a place that used to be a sanctuary. Not that the teacher would notice. First, bullies are always careful, and if they do get caught they are gifted at twisting the facts to make it look like they were not doing anything wrong, at least not knowingly. And second, the teacher is so motivated to get these children to stay that they ignore obvious problem behaviors. (Knowing a person may leave makes people chase after and cater to them.) Further, the bullies usually have a favorite teacher or two they can complain to that will talk to the teacher in charge and ‘fix’ things for them.

So how do we do things differently? We treat the popular kids the same as everyone else. When they show up they are required to learn, and are held accountable for the work assigned. They do not get breaks. We also make it so that the children who have been loyal, hardworking and ‘good’ feel that they can come to us with complaints. We then take their complaints seriously, and do something about them. If the paper needs to be late, who cares? We never, ever make a conscientious child pay for the laziness of another, and we let it be known, as a fact, kindly, not meanly, that by not doing what they are assigned the bully is the problem, but help is available if they need it- by the teacher. Never, ever force the victim to help the bully. This only gives the bully the opportunity to make things worse and traps the victim by placing him in a situation he does not feel he can get out of.

We also show love to the victim. Real love. Find ways to support what the victim likes, or teach the victim things they do not know, like how to dress, do their hair, put on make-up etc. But, do not expect the victim to do these things on a regular basis. A plain girl, when she suddenly looks beautiful will be bullied more than if she had not done anything, but these skills will help her in the future, when she is in a new situation and no one knows her yet, to not look like the type of person the bullies seek to destroy. (I called make-up my ‘war paint’ and put it on mainly when I knew I would be in a situation I felt forced to ‘do battle’ in. I grew out of the ugly duck stage and into a swan, and then back to an ugly duck- but at 43 that is more acceptable…)

Do not trivialize bullying. Do not ignore it. You will never catch everything a bully does, nor stop it entirely, so support the victim. If the victim is so socially awkward that you cannot honestly love them, then find people who can. No child should be made to feel so unloved that they cry when someone is nice to them, or kill themselves because no one seemed to care.

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Children, Life

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Working on the Sabbath

March 30, 2013

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Tomorrow is Easter, and I thought about stopping at the grocery store (the one I like by church) after church, instead of making a special trip today. Then I thought, even if it is open, do I want people to have to work on Easter? If I make it profitable, then it will likely be open next Easter. If no one shops on Easter, then it is more likely to decide to close for the day in the future.

As I was contemplating this, I thought of a conversation I had with a friend of mine. She was informed that going out to eat on Sunday was a sin, since it forced people to work on Sundays. We thought about this, as both of our families chose to go out after church as a ‘rest’ from cooking and dishes.

Here are some of the concerns we had:

1. Some non-Christians need the hours, and Sundays are a great way to make extra money while Dad is home watching the kids.

Our conclusion: By not going out to eat, you may be depriving a poorer family of an income. So if you do go out, make sure you tip well, and behave, since non-Christians know this is the ‘church-crowd’ they are serving.

2. Some Christians are told that they must be willing to work Sundays by their employers, so by going out on Sundays you encourage this.

Our conclusion: If you do go out on Sundays, never, ever, ever, look down on the person who cannot get the day off.

3. Many non-Christians use Sundays as a day to shop and get things done, so you will not succeed in closing down businesses just because you stay home.

Our conclusion: If there is a new believer where you work, and you are a seasoned church goer, offer to work Sunday so they can be ‘fed’ and be with the church family.

4. Some people have to work, and it is Biblical that they do so. Fireman, police officers, Emergency Room personnel all have responsibilities that do not cease just because it is Sunday.

Our conclusion: For anyone who for any reason needs to work on Sunday, even if it is just to feed their family (and they feel this is what God would want them to do), other options should be available. Host a Bible study or small group so they do not miss out on hearing the Word of God and church fellowship every week.

Now we did not reach an absolute conclusion on this subject. Like many of our conversations, our conclusion, in this imperfect world, was less than perfect, and we laughed at the idea of calling a restaurant and asking, ‘Do you have pagan servers working?’ as a way to bless those who do not know God, while ensuring those who do have the day off…

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Life

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Real Men Treat Women With Respect

March 25, 2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN8ujidL9kk

Have you seen the video from the students in Oregon? If not, check it out- it’s short, and I’ll wait.

It makes me wonder…

I wonder what is being modeled in the home. How is dad treating mom when she is ill. Is there a dad? Is mom picking men who treat her like trash and bringing them home? What is the disconnect? This behavior should be instinctual by the time you’re old enough to drive. Why isn’t it? What tells a teen that they are free to take advantage of another human being in our society?

Twitter posts from teachers show that this is not isolated thinking. We are doing something wrong. It’s time to do something right. Kudos to the students that are working to reverse this this trend.

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Life

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DORM LIFE…

March 22, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Over the years I have noticed that there is a difference between the people who lived in the dorms during college and those who did not. And I love the fact that I did.

Living in the dorms teaches you that life is not always the perfect, well-planned event you thought it would be.

College dorms are perhaps an extreme in life. Whoever thought putting hundreds of 18 to 21 year olds in tight quarters with minimal supervision for nine months of the year was a good idea was probably on crack- but every year millions of kids go off to live on campus and, for the most part, it works.

It also matures you.

As strange as that sounds, since most dorms do not resemble any living style that would normally be considered ‘mature,’ it does.

With all of the immaturity, differences in background and just plain idiocy going on most people learn something important in life.

They learn not to sweat the small stuff. Lots of stuff happens in the dorms. If you get upset with it all you will not last for long. Thankfully most people figure out how to let stuff roll off their backs without needing the help of a trained psychologist. (Though there are always a few psych students who think they can help…)

They learn to stand up for what is really important to them. Not everything counts as ‘small stuff.’ What is ‘big’ is different to different people. Communicating what someone can and can’t do in your space is an important skill, and the only way you are going to truly protect your precious stash of Ramon Noodles is to set clear boundaries. Really clear. Ramon Noodles are very popular with hungry co-eds. Buy some frozen fish and it will be all yours.

They also learn to respect other people’s boundaries. Sure, you may think that everyone likes to listen to KISS FM at three in the morning, but you may be wrong. Grouchy suite mates let you know in ways that get the point across so you never, ever do this again.

They then learn not to hold a grudge about anything said by grouchy people who are awakened by KISS FM at three a.m. If you are going to cease being friends with anyone who says anything you don’t like and hold a grudge then you will not have many friends in the dorms.

They learn to live together. Living with a variety of people in close quarters takes talent. One must realize that they will have to bend and that life will not always go the way they want it to. This makes marriage so much easier.

They also learn that many of the ‘rules’ in life are optional. These are not moral codes, but things like, ‘Use a spoon, not your fingers.’ In the dorms you learn to be flexible and use what you have. You also learn that you can go nine months without vacuuming and no one will die. These are not lessons your mother will necessarily appreciate, but they will allow you to properly prioritize when life gets busy and some things need to be ignored or you will never sleep. Children do better when parents sleep, so these are lifesaving techniques.

They also learn to be themselves. They can no longer blame things on their parents, so they must fess up and tell people they really just like going to bed at nine pm. They also cannot hide their little idiosyncrasies. When you are packed in like sardines your suite-mates know everything about you. And surprisingly, unless it is really annoying, they don’t care. You are you, and they are they and it is all okay. This is perhaps the greatest gift dorm life has for a person.

So, packing young adults into living conditions we would consider immoral to house the poor in actually works. It is not always fun, but in the end I think we ended up as better people for it. (And we all have some really funny stories we promise never to share if any of us runs for public office…)

Some things we learned include…

Everyone needs a cooking buddy, everyone.

Some rules need to be written down. These rules involve cooking.

When your friend holds a funeral for a fish, you join in, even if you don’t know the friend and were just walking by. Everyone grieves in different ways; respect it.

The person you woke up at 3 a.m. wakes up at 6 a.m. Expect retribution.

Ferrets do not like being wet.

If you cook fish, not your friend’s fish, you will find there are new cooking rules for the dorm. (Fish cooked in enclosed spaces smells, especially if it is cooked in a microwave…)

Playing hacky sac with Ramon Noodles is not a good idea. But surprisingly it does not require a vacuum to clean up.

Giving everyone a care package at the beginning of the year that includes shaving cream is not a good idea.

Female shaving creams act like carpet freshener- an unexpected side effect after the expected shaving cream war.

Don’t expect to use your shaving cream for shaving. There will be a day you will find yourself in need of arms…

The cleaning lady must love you. There’s no other explanation for why she keeps this job. Treat her well. (We love you Gail!)

Mugs can be used for soup- if you can call Ramon Noodles soup.

Mugs that have been left too long without cleaning should just be thrown out. Some things cannot be cleaned.

There are people, usually male people, who think it is okay to eat the best things off your plate. It is okay to stab said people with your fork.

Male people are good for opening jars. Their masculinity requires they do not give up without succeeding. It is therefore best not to stab them too hard and hinder their abilities.

When bored, one will watch anything on T.V. Case in point: We owned one VHS tape freshman year. We watched it over, and over, and over. I cannot for the life of me remember what movie that was… T.V. is therefore a great way to turn off one’s brain when overworked.

Falling asleep during a lecture by the dorm administrator is not seen as a sign of respect. And your dorm mates will not wake you up and help you out of this one. The longer you sleep the funnier it is, especially if you snore.

Parties in the honors dorm do not resemble parties. This is why the dorm administrator cannot find them. But it really upsets him when he sees the t-shirts for them after the fact.

Garbage cans make good punch bowls. Lampshades do not.

“Sharing your most embarrassing story” does not work as an icebreaker for the beginning of the year RA lecture. Anyone living in the dorms for over a year already knows your most embarrassing story and they are not telling since you know theirs as well. But don’t worry if you are new, you will soon be privy to all the stories. They are too good not to repeat, usually at 3 a.m.

Christmas trees planted by the dorms are sometimes rare, exotic trees that the university is very attached to and should therefore not be used for Christmas trees.

It is always best not to buy a dish brush that in anyway resembles a toilet brush and leave it in the bathroom.
If someone comes to your door selling expensive brownies it is good to be frugal.

Certain foods should be treated with care. These include jello, brownies, and raisin ice cream.

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Life

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Demons in the Media

March 21, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Before you jump on a bandwagon, look at the facts.

Ask yourself, “Who is being demonized?”

Check their history, do they deserve it?

If it is a group, look at the individuals. As individuals, are they a problem?

What you will typically find it that there is a small bit of truth, combined with a lot of exaggeration and lies.

What is the truth? Who is really the problem, and how are we handling them?

Sometimes the real ‘problem’ is the person, or group reaping the rewards, through bailouts, sympathetic press etc.

So do your homework, because our press isn’t, and let’s attack and fix real problems.

Though there’s a part of me that scared to see what all this smoke and mirrors may be hiding…. Hopefully it’s only stupidity.

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Life

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An Apology for Comments Trashed

February 27, 2013

I have been receiving a lot of spam recently. If you have commented and saw your comment disappear, please repost.
Also, make sure your comment lines up with the post you are commenting on. I have deleted a few comments that had nothing to do with the post they were under, but may have been applicable to another post… (Though the one about Coach Joe was probably for someone else… Who’s Coach Joe?!)
Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

I will be working on new posts shortly.
I am intently working on three projects at the moment (writing, editing, gathering info), so intently that every other thought seems to be at bay! So while you do not have many new posts to read, there will be some new books by me out soon!

Thanks for understanding,
Judy Barrett

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Blog Care

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Things Great Home School Co-ops Do

February 7, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Now it is always easier to identify the mistakes (yesterday’s post), and it is good to avoid them, but there are a few things that make a co-op great.

Here are a few that we have observed:

Handle problems early and firmly:
No one likes confrontation, especially a busy home school mom who already has enough to do. But, if you want your co-op to run smoothly and not be a place of drama and chaos there are a few things that need to be nipped in the bud. Tardiness, a habit of no-shows, talking behind people’s backs, not doing your job etc are all things that cannot be tolerated if the co-op is to run smoothly.

Be Up Front About Your Expectations:
One co-op I attended reviewed Matthew 18:15-17 before the beginning of each co-op session. The leaders then explained that, if you had a problem with a person the Christian thing to do was talk to the person, not your friends. If the problem could not be resolved then the board was there to help. Under no circumstances should one parent be complaining to another parent about someone else’s behavior. This was the best co-op environment I have ever experienced, probably because we were continually reminded of this rule!

Be Organized:
If the co-op is not organized the parents do not feel the need to be organized either. The best co-ops are run in a way that impresses people when they arrive. New people then strive to be all that they can be as well.
Reward the People Who Work:
While most co-ops have every parent doing something, not every job is the same. Typically the person teaching and the board members do the bulk of the work. Make sure they are thanked and rewarded. It does not have to be much, just make it special. This is where those moms who make awesome homemade cards, crafts or bake come in handy!

My favorite co-op handled things this way:
If you taught, you did not have to clean up and your children were able to sign up ahead of parent’s children who did not choose to teach.
My least favorite co-op handled things this way:
Every job was the same. Bible study was a job. They had almost every mother trying to sign up for Bible study and had to beg for teachers each session. Since every job was the same there were no thank-you’s etc for teaching, but if a parent in the Bible study complained the board was right on top of it since the women in the Bible study had bonded, while those who taught had been busy taking care of the kids. Do you see the problem?

Have Time for All the Parents to Bond:
Good co-ops have activities that are just social on a regular basis so the families may get to know each other. What you do is not as important as how you do it. Make sure the new families get to know the older families and you will do well. Field trips, park days, and parties fill this gap. Just make sure to remind the older members not to group up and leave the new people feeling left out.

Set Up a Way for New Home School Families to Talk With More Experienced Families:
Some co-ops have meetings designed for new families to ask questions, but in my experience these are poorly attended. The most successful ‘mentoring’ I have seen occurred in a co-op that rotated classes (three classes in three hours with multiple classes to pick from each hour). Every hour there was also a ‘prayer and fellowship’ room. In this room we prayed for the co-op, the families, and any specific needs, but we also talked and shared our lives. Every new person spent one of their hours in this room, which enabled people to get to know them. The older moms could then choose this as one of their hours, or not. Board members too were required to be in the prayer room for one of their hours to answer questions, and to be available should a board member be needed.

Set up a System to Deal With Parental Absences:
Since every parent has a job when a parent is unable to attend something will be left undone. There must therefore be a system in place for people to fill in. There are many ways to do this. Parents in prayer can know that they may be pulled out to help should the need arise. Board members may be ‘unassigned’ so they may fill in as necessary, or there can be a meeting before each co-op where jobs are ‘shuffled’ as needed so everything gets done.

Have a System in Place for Dealing with Misbehavior:
Both parents and children are capable of doing things you wish they had not. Instead of acting like this surprises you and floundering around wondering what to do about it make sure there is a set plan in place that everyone knows about. This will eliminate any confusion as to what will be done if the behavior continues, and will let the other mothers know that you are not being arbitrary or unfair since everyone was aware that this would happen. Also, document what has occurred. One a board member’s job became recording what time a certain mother pulled into the parking lot. She was in charge of the nursery, did not want to move positions and frequently arrived up to an hour late. You cannot leave little children under-supervised that long…

Accountability is needed if a co-op is to run well.

In one co-op one of the positions was ‘clean-up supervisor.’ This woman checked the rooms after they were cleaned to make sure nothing was missed. Nothing was ever missed, likely because people knew the room would be inspected. This was not the case in other co-ops we have visited. If you wish to keep using the space you really need to leave it better than you found it, because any mess remaining after you leave will be blamed on you. Plus it is just good stewardship to help when you can, especially if the space is free.

Even If the Space Is Paid For, Bless those Who Provide It:
A giant thank-you card from the children, homemade snacks, a cash donation, or volunteering as a group to help in some capacity are all ways you can thank the people who allow you to use their facilities. Thank-you’s and good stewardship go a long way in keeping your co-op in the space you have, and cover any ‘mistakes’ or inconveniences caused by your group.

Extend Grace:
You never know what problems you may have inadvertently caused, so extend grace when the Sunday school leaves your space a mess, or uses your supplies by accident as well. As long as these are rare incidents, know that your teachers may have done something at some time as well, and extend grace.
When the problems re-occur speak to the person in charge with the assumption that this was not done on purpose and allow them to take care of it.

Keep the Co-op Social and Fun:
Learning can be fun and interactive, and co-op is the place to make that happen. Choose things that children find interesting and fun and keep the home work to a minimum. These children already do school work at home. Going to co-op should not feel like they are being punished for seeing their friends with more work than they can reasonably do. This is not the time to work on a PhD thesis, but a time to learn to learn in a group setting in ways that encourage team building and creativity.

Home schooled children are great in groups as a rule. They do not have the competitive need to be the best, and often marvel at what another child can do. Let them use the skills they have to create and innovate whenever possible. What you will often hear is, “Johnny’s great at art, let’s get him to do the drawing.” “Sarah knows how to make catapults (a common home school skill), let’s see if she can figure out how to get the levers to work.” This is how people should work together in business, and it’s fun to see the children learn to work in their own strengths, and appreciate the strengths of others.

Co-ops are a great way for home school families to interact and learn in a relaxed environment. The key is to keep them relaxed and fun for the adults as well by running them efficiently.

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Home School

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