Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…



Jewish tradition teaches that we must attempt to reconcile with a person 3 times. And, the person who is being asked to forgive must struggle within themselves to forgive us. If, after 3 times that person cannot forgive then the process is over and the person seeking reconciliation may stop trying. The person who cannot forgive is written off as a ‘cruel person’ and life goes on.

This is not what Jesus says.

Jesus says we must forgive 7 time 70 times.

If the person is truly seeking forgiveness (not mere lip service while doing whatever they want on the side- Proverbs tells us to avoid them while they are still like that), then we must continue to try to work on the relationship.

It will be hard- hence the need to keep forgiving. The past will come back to mind- and we must forgive again. There will be stumbles, and we must forgive. BUT, if the person is trying to reconcile and is truly repentant, the process is to go on, and on, and on….

Relationships are important in God’s world.

BUT, they need to be good ones.

The unrepentant who are angry, the purposely foolish, the selfish, the lazy are still to face consequences and be avoided. You are not a doormat needing to be unnecessarily hurt.

But these consequences are not meant to be cruel, but to cause a life change so that repentance is possible.

Everything is about restoring relationships to a healthy status.

Examine your broken relationships and ask:

Is the person repentant?

Are they trying to change?

If they are- help them!

If they are not, look to scripture. Find the problem in Proverbs and avoid the person if necessary. Sometimes we enable people to stay as they are because they are getting what they want from us, which is sometimes a free, no consequence, punching bag to let out their frustrations on.

Don’t be the punching bag, but don’t be the cruel person who will not reconcile with a person trying to do better either.

When confused, ask a wise- been there, done that, type person who has no emotional involvement in the situation for help.

Who not to ask for help?

People who are emotionally involved in the situation (or a similar situation).

Why: They have their own baggage, which will cloud their judgment. It is difficult to help someone forgive, when you are struggling to forgive. It is also difficult to tell someone to stay strong and avoid a cruel person, when you, yourself are enabling them. So, if you are contemplating divorce, find people who have struggled and overcome, not those who are in the same boat. Misery loves company, but it is a placebo and it does not do us any good in the end.

People who have never faced a similar situation.

Sometimes we encounter people who have families so perfect it makes you want to barf. These people have likely never encountered the type of people you are dealing with. Though sometimes they have dealt with these problems and have overcome your situation so it is good to do some research because this is exactly who you need to ask!

So who do you ask?

Someone who can be objective who knows something about what you are going through. Fortunately (unfortunately?) our world is so messed us these people are not hard to find…

Seven Types of Pharisees

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The Talmud defines seven types of Pharisees. *

  1. The ‘Shoulder’ Pharisee

This type of Pharisee carries all of his ‘good’ deeds on his shoulder so all can see (and it is assumed praise) him.

Make sure when you do good it is not for the praise, but because it is the right thing to do.

  1. The ‘Wait a Moment’ Pharisee

This type of Pharisee does not attend to the needs of the people who are right in front of him because he needs to go off and do good deeds for others.

This would be the pastor who cares for his flock, but ignores his family. Or the parent who always has to do something for work, the church or friends while their children are begging for attention.

  1. The ‘Bruised’ Pharisee

This Pharisee runs into a wall while trying not to look at a woman.

This is a person who takes the commands in the Bible too far and does stupid things in order to overly obey God’s laws. We see this person when they refuse to meet with a woman in a normal work situation when she has done nothing inappropriate to warrant this behavior towards her.

  1. The ‘Reckoning’ Pharisee

This type of Pharisee commits a sin, then performs a good deed to make up for it. He believes he can sin as long as he does something good to balance the scales.

This is the husband who is mean to his wife and then thinks that buying her something makes it all better. This is the wife who is mean to her husband and then thinks that letting him sleep with her makes it all right.

  1. The ‘Pestle’ Pharisee

This type of Pharisee’s head is bowed in false humility. He is always asking what his duty is, so that he may do it as if he has already done everything else.

This is the person who believes they do nothing wrong. They will say things like, ‘If you tell me what you want, I will do it’ as if it is your fault they are not living up to your expectations. The unreasonableness of your expectations is implied. They are not trying to change because all the fault in the relationship is the other person’s.

  1. The Pharisee of the ‘Fear of Consequences’

This Pharisee does good because he is afraid of what would happen if he does not do it. There is no love in his actions.

This person does all of the ‘right’ things, but it is empty because he is acting out of fear. It is difficult to explain to the person what they are doing wrong, because while their actions are ‘right,’ they clearly are not enjoying any of it. The fact that they do not want to do what they do is evident.

  1. The Pharisee of Love

This is the ‘right’ kind of Pharisee to be. Their motivation is love. There are two things they love- people and God in general, and the rewards from doing what is right.

In Jewish culture loving the rewards that are inherent in doing what is right is not wrong. This Pharisee’s goal is not selfish- they are not doing things just for gain, but they do love the things God blesses them with. This is a healthy relationship with God. The prime motivation is love, and there is thanks, praise and enjoyment when God blesses them.

*adapted from Jewish New Testament Commentary by David H. Stern 1992 p. 69-70

(please pray for Dr Stern, last report was that he was in very poor health)

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God is a God of redemption- a God who erases your past and doesn’t care what you have done. He is willing to forgive and use you mightily, so stop beating yourself up, stop repeating the past in your mind, and remember….

Rahab was a prostitute. (Just let that sink in.) She was not a virgin when she got married to Salmon, and her ‘number’ was probably over 1,000 (365 days in a year x a few years is quite a few men… Yet God used her to save the Israelite spies, allowed her to marry a very godly man, and she became an ancestor of Christ. If God can use her and give her a blessed life with a good man, then He can do the same for you! Stop feeling bad about your past and accept, and enjoy, the blessings God is trying to put in your life.

Bathsheba was an adulteress. Whether she enticed David, or simply felt like she had no choice we do not know, but we do know that she, and David, were unfaithful, yet she too was chosen as an ancestor of Christ, and David (who had her husband killed) was known as a man after God’s own heart and wrote many of the psalms. If God can forgive, and use them after what they did, then do not doubt that He can forgive and bless you!

Tamar was a woman in a bad situation. Her first husband dies, then her second husband dies. She is childless and sent back to her family in shame, even though none of it was her fault. God redeems her, and she too is one of the ancestors of Christ. The woman in Song of Songs is also a victim of circumstances. She believes herself to be ugly and her family does not take care of her. Still a king finds her, believes she is beautiful and thinks she is the most wonderful woman he has ever met. Life circumstances are not the end of the story. Life can change. Be ready to embrace the change and accept what God has for you. Too many stories end because the person believes the lie that they are not worthy and refuses to accept the blessings God tries to bestow.

Ruth is an outsider who is taking care of a widowed mother-in-law who has fallen on hard times. She lives in a cave for years after her husband dies, but her hard work and goodness is noticed and a godly rich man (who does not believe he deserves such a beautiful woman) falls in love with her and makes her his wife. She too becomes an ancestor of Christ. Persevere and your hard work and goodness will eventually pay off in ways you cannot imagine.

No story is ever so bad that it cannot be changed. Stay the course and be ready to accept the blessings God bestows. Too often we beat ourselves up and miss the blessings in our life because we think they are too good to be true, too good for someone like us. Stop thinking you do not deserve to be blessed. Step into the opportunities that present themselves as if you are truly forgiven and your past no longer matters- because it doesn’t.

How to Pray

IMG_2581Many Christians struggle with prayer- though no one likes to admit it. What most Christians fail to understand is that there are many ways to pray…

The most common prayer is petition. Asking God for what you need. And this is fine, but often it seems repetitious and in many lives (thankfully) our list of needs runs out fairly quickly…

We should also remember to thank God for what He has done for us. But this too is often over in a brief period of time.

The most forgotten aspect of prayer is meditative. The one that instructs us to ‘be still and know that I am God.’ Sitting in God’s presence. Being at peace with the One who created us. This state of prayer is where we truly commune with God. In this state our petitions and thanksgiving come more easily to mind and don’t seem like such a short list. In this state we may think of nothing, or wait until the Holy Spirit brings something to mind. In this state it is easy to wish that prayer time would never end. We don’t need words, or lists or anything else, just the quietness of mind to experience God’s presence. I have often wondered what Joshua did, praying in the Tent of Meeting. I am convinced much of his time was spent just sitting in God’s presence. Because, while Israel had many, many issues that required prayer, it is difficult to believe he could spend all day, every day, listing their needs. Sitting in God’s presence and waiting on the Holy Spirit seems to make more sense. Try sitting in the presence of God today.


There is an example of every behavioral issue in the Bible- we just have to look.

Samson is an example of a boy, now a grown man, whose parents had difficulties saying ‘no.’

The first clue we have is that Samson asks for a wife a man in his position- Jewish (which is enough), a judge, and a Nazarite- should never be asking to marry. His parents vaguely try to dissuade him by asking if there is not another, perhaps Jewish, woman he might want, and when he demands to have his way, they give in and proceed to give him what he wants, even though they know it is not good for him. (Judges 14-16)

So here are the traits that result from never hearing ‘no’ in any meaningful way…

  1. He does not think the rules apply to him.

Samson eats unclean food out of a dead lion’s carcass, he sleeps with prostitutes etc.

Samson, to his eventual detriment, disregards the rules when they do not suit him. This does not mean that he is always bad, but when the rules interfere with what he wants to do, he does what he wants.

  1. He does not fulfill his responsibilities when it is inconvenient to him.

The groom is expect to provide wedding clothes for the groomsmen. Samson finds ways to get out of his responsibility and stick his new friends with the bill.

  1. He throws tantrums when he is thwarted.

When the groomsmen answer his riddle, Samson does not handle it good-naturedly. Instead he goes out and brings them back the clothes of dead men, who were brutally killed in the outfits he presents.

  1. He does not consider the feelings of others.

Samson embarrasses his bride by not providing clothing for the groomsmen she provided him with and then with the horrid way he finally provides the clothing. (Samson may have no friends.)

  1. He storms off.

Upset about not getting his way and having to provide clothing, (even though he knows this is a societal norm), Samson storms off and goes home, leaving his bride devestated.

  1. He does not understand that his behavior will have consequences.

Later, Samson returns and believes his wife will be waiting for him, happy to see him, even after his horrid behavior.

  1. He does not accept that he caused the problem. It is not his fault.

When confronted by his father-in-law, and told that his wife has been married to another (because his behavior at their wedding seemed to indicate to everyone but Samson that he did not love her) Samson kills his ‘bride’ and her father and sets the neighborhood fields on fire, condemning the citizens of that area to starvation.

  1. He over-reacts.

When he finds his ‘bride to be’ married to another he kills her and her father and burns the fields, condemning others to starvation, or at least a very difficult year.

  1. He does not understand love and trust.

Samson is easily deceived by Delilah. This is likely due to the fact that Samson has never had a decent relationship, nor has he ever paid enough attention to another to be able to determine whether, or not, they are trustworthy. Being self-centered leaves you a target for others who are self-centered. No one with an once of self-respect wants to be close to a spoiled brat, so Samson has no wise counsel, or experience with ‘good’ people; so when someone comes along who is worse than he is, he is an easy target.

Still, God is with Samson.


There are two reasons found in scripture:

  1. God keeps His promises.

God made a promise to Samson’s mother before he was born- that he would deliver Israel. This may not have been the method God would have preferred to deliver Israel, but God can use anyone, even a spoiled brat. (Not that this is what we should aim to be… but our faults, no matter how large, do not mean that God is done with us.)

  1. God knows the beginning and the end.

Samson repents. Granted it is at the end of a very troubled life, but he does repent. God wants us close to Him- and He wants all of us close to Him. The relationship is the end-game, and in this instance, Samson eventually gets it, and that is exactly what God wants, for us to eventually get it and want a relationship with Him. Samson’s spoiled nature leads to a hard life, for him and those around him, but it does not disqualify him from having a relationship with God. And if Samson is not disqualified, neither are you!


While the Bible is clear that God hates sin, God is not the hard-nosed disciplinarian many make Him out to be.

Let’s take, for example, Esther.

Esther is a good girl, who is picked, without her consent to be part of the king’s harem. She does not fight, or protest or try to escape. Instead she goes along with a system where she is to be one of many women whose sole purpose is to pleasure the king. (Many women in abusive relationships are told that they should have… (fill in the blank).) Esther is in a ungodly situation and yet she does nothing to effect a change. In fact she complies with her captures so well she is chosen to be queen. (God redeems her role in a way- though she will see her husband rarely and it is not exactly a love match.) And even though she is in an ungodly situation, she is still to be used mightily by God.

Rahab is a prostitute. When she performs her heroism and saves the Hebrew spies she is still a prostitute. The red sheet she hangs from the window is not the bed covering of a virtuous woman, nor has it seen only virtue in use. Yet god uses her, a sinner, and a sheet, a sign of her sin, as a sign and method of salvation. She, as a former prostitute, becomes the bride of a virtuous man (Salmon, one of the spies she saved) and is a mother in the line of Christ. How often do we shame women who were not pure in their youth as if it is a lifelong condition they can never overcome? This is not how God deals with a woman who has likely lost count of the number of men she has had…

David is a man after God’s own heart… Yet his list of sins is so long it bears numbering…

  1. He is an adulterer.
  2. He is a murderer.
  3. He ignored the fact that his daughter was raped and did nothing about it.
  4. He did not forgive his son who was obviously repentant and grieving for his father’s love. (Absalom)
  5. He did not come back for, or send for, his first wife, who risked her life to save his while he was on the run, even though he had acquired other wives whom he felt able to protect.
  6. He did not do justice in the case of Joab, Shimi and others, but left them for Solomon to deal with.
  7. He called for a census against God’s will, which resulted in a plague.
  8. He did not follow God’s instructions (or even know what they were) in carrying the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem the first time.

And I am sure there are more if we start to really pick through all that is written about him…

The point is that God still used David, and loved him, despite his mistakes. His mistakes in life did not disqualify him from God’s love, and did not take him out of the plans God had for him. Sure, he was punished, and if there was anything David did well, it was repenting (practice makes perfect?). But the point is that our past, even our recent past, does not change God’s love for us. It does not distance us from Him in a manner that is irrecoverable. God looks at our heart, not the tally sheet of nasty things we have done. It is our sorrow over our situation, not the situation itself, that is judged. It is what we are going to do next that is important, not what we have done. God wants us to love Him and to love others- not that we will be perfect, but that we will try to do better.

So we are to forget the past, in that it is not there to hinder us in doing what is right, and great in the future. And draw closer to God, realizing that He is there for us regardless of the condition we come to Him.

Love Thyself

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

To acquire good sense is to love oneself… (Prov 19:8)

… a good person gets satisfaction from himself. (Prov 14:14)

To act without knowing how you function is not good… (Prov 19:2)

Just a few things I picked up in Proverbs today.

  1. Know Thyself

How many of us try to please others and try to be someone we are not- working more on our weaknesses- trying hard to be perfect? Is it not better (happier, more fulfilling) to spend more time working in your strengths and using the gifts God did give you? This does not mean we neglect those things that must be done, but where is much of our time spent. Remember, a person who loves what he does never works a day in his life*. Be that person!

  1. Be Satisfied With Yourself

Do not seek happiness from others. Imperfect people cannot impart perfect peace. It won’t happen. Instead be content with who you are and what you do. Only then will you bring peace into your relationships. Focus on what you can do to make things in your life better (something you can control) and not on how others should treat you (something you will become frustrated trying to control).

  1. Love Yourself

God made you. He does not make mistakes. You are unique, wonderfully made. Find what you are good at; the gifts God created you to use. (It is typically what you enjoy.) And use your gifts! Stop seeing your uniqueness- your not being like others- as something bad. You are you for a purpose- embrace that purpose and love being you!

Some practical ideas to begin being you:

  1. Make a list of what you are good at and what you enjoy doing. (They are often the same thing.) Make these things a priority in your life.
  2. Make a list of what you hate doing, or feel you are bad at. Find a way to eliminate (delegate them to others- usually for the money you will make doing what you love- remember the Proverbs 31 woman had servants- you can too) or find ways to do them quickly so they do not take up much time in your life.
  3. Go to a thrift shop, a big one. Be honest about what you like and what looks good on you. (Do not take a friend unless you know you can both be dead honest with each other- you may come home with more of what she likes than what you enjoy…) Wear what suits your personality and makes you feel good. You should enjoy (or at least not hate- some of us are more utilitarian) getting dressed in the morning.
  1. Quit trying to make your husband/ friends like you or do what would make you feel special. Make a list of what you like to do, and if time and finances allow, do these things. You will find that people respond more positively to people who are happy/ content, and, when they see what makes you happy, and that there is a possibility of successfully making you happy, they are more likely to bless you in these areas. People like to know their efforts will result in success. Trying to make unhappy people happy is a daunting task that people instinctively avoid. If you can’t please yourself, how do you expect others to figure it out?

*Confucius- paraphrased

All verses from The Complete Jewish Bible- a translation by David H Stern

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