Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

On Opera, Shakespeare and Classical Music

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

Perhaps it’s because I was a Navy brat and a geek, but somehow I missed the memo that there were things I was not to enjoy. So I went, and, like many people from centuries long ago, I laughed and loved the entertainment. Then I grew up, and listened to the excuses people gave not to go, not to try styles of music and fun that have stood the test of time, and in some cases the test of money. Then I met a man. Little did I know that he was not the enthusiast I was when he bought me season tickets to the symphony… but he married me and now he is stuck!

And he has realized something many people do not. Shakespeare and opera are low-brow entertainment. That’s right, low-brow. Much of what is done on stage is like Family Guy set to music or jazzed up in Old English (which was a lot more understandable back then). And the bigger irony, much of our popular entertainment consists of remakes of these classics! Pretty Woman is a modern remake of La Traviata (the opera he takes her to in the movie). The Lion King is Shakespeare’s Hamlet and She’s the Man is The Twelfth Night. There are many, many more, but you get the point. The stories are still entertaining, and the problems they deal with are still problems we can understand today.

So why don’t more people go? Besides the bad press there is a bit of a language barrier, true, but a good production solves that (and there are always subtitles at the opera). And if anything, the added level of difficulty serves to improve your reading comprehension. And the topics addressed make us talk- about how women are treated, even today (yes, men still classify some women as ‘hoes’ and treat them with disdain), about how dysfunctional family dynamics lead to tragedies, including death (typically through suicide and/or drug overdose), about how people have not changed much over the years, and about how we have. And many opera companies and theaters have family or student discounts, as they want to encourage a new generation to love, and support, what they do. So check one out. It may be more fun than you thought it would be, but just remember, like the movies of today, some are PG and some are well…. if your children understand you will be having a discussion on other life events as well today.

And as for classical music, there is so much of it, and in so much variety, that to say you don’t like any of it is to say you have never tried it. And since it has been hiding in the background of your favorite cartoons, TV shows and movies for years, (George Lucas hired the London Symphony to play the music to Star Wars…), you probably do enjoy many classical, and neo-classical (my term) pieces, you were just not aware of it. So enjoy, and broaden your horizons. Why? If for no other reason than to start a conversation- a conversation that is still necessary about how people are to be treated and about how stupid some of the things that we as a society still do. So while Family Guy does much to satirize and bring these topics to light, you look foolish trying to base an intellectual conversation off of something you saw on TV last night, while discussing the plight of the female, through the lens of Taming of the Shrew, or the injustices in politics through Julius Caesar, just sounds so much more credible. (And I am fairly sure Seth MacFarlane has studied both. Don’t be less educated than Seth…)

(Some important points: All the characters in Shakespeare’s plays were played by men, so a few, rare companies use male actors for any given part. (Imagining Juliet being played by a man does increase the hilarity!) And, in opera, eunuchs were called castrati and parts were written for them in a higher range. Women are often used for these parts since we no longer castrate young men to preserve their youthful voices, making it impossible for today’s males to hit the higher notes. And, by the way, a big pet peeve of mine, Romeo and Juliet is not a love story! Romeo is in love with Rosalind at the beginning of the play, and then sees Juliet and his affections quickly shift. Shakespeare is making fun of teen love, not telling us to emulate it…)

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Life

Dealing With Dysfunction

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Everyone has one in their lives- someone who just will not behave, but life circumstances force you to be together. Here are some ideas for dealing with dysfunction, that will help you maintain your own sanity.

First let’s define dysfunction: The dysfunction we are referring to here is limited to a person who repeatedly belittles you, provokes you and/or flies off the handle without provocation. They misinterpret what was said and done, sometimes on purpose, for reasons yet to be discovered. Ideally, they would do well with counseling, but they are not at a point where they will receive it. Interactions with the person are affecting your behavior and your mental health.

1. Be honest with yourself.
Too often we tell ourselves to just forget it, that we don’t know why we let them get to us, that we really should be able to handle things better etc. The fact is that words do hurt. If David, the mighty warrior, and Job, the mature, successful businessman (before the catastrophe) had cause to complain about the words of others, so will you. Words hurt, and some people use words in ways that wound. It is healthier in the long run to deal with reality rather than to deny it. The person you are having trouble with says things that are abusive and like any other form of abuse it really does affect you. So how will this help? By admitting you do hurt, (or become upset, angered etc in response to them) you can now take steps to prevent or lessen their effect on your life.

2. Set boundaries.
Since words do hurt you are going to require strategies for minimizing the damage. Some suggestions are: When dealing with a potentially explosive person, schedule positive things before and after the time you must meet with them. Set time limits on your meetings by arranging other appointments you need to go to, and do not allow yourself to become trapped or under the dysfunctional person’s authority. If you need to arrange for a hotel room instead of staying in their home do so. Will they like the boundaries? No, that is the problem with people who are dysfunctional, they do not respect the rights of others, but they are going to be upset with something sometime anyways, so it might as well be something they can vent about while you are away. Being a trapped audience to their insanity is not helping either one of you.

3. Be clear.
Do not allow yourself to be dragged into their neurosis. Dysfunctional people love to go off topic, and typically stretch the truth while doing so. The topic will typically include why you are such a bad person, and involve many accusations that have only a limited amount of truth (enough so the people around them can ‘see their point’ and be sucked in as well). Do not engage in this. When it become obvious that the person is not looking for a solution, but instead has some other hurtful agenda, steer the conversation back to whatever originally needed to be discussed, make a clear decision and then end the encounter. Likely you were trying to be nice and tried to allow them to have a say in something, but they have proven incapable of having that discussion. Since they have proven themselves to be incapable the ball is now in your court, and the decision is yours to make. Make it and be done.

4. Realize that anger begets anger.
When a person has become irrational and is now spurting accusations that have nothing to do with the topic at hand there is a very good chance you will begin to do the same. Nothing will be accomplished if you too sink to this level. There are a few ways of dealing with this. Since the person has clearly lost it, you must now consider what your relationship to the person is to determine how you wish to proceed. If it is a close relationship, you may want to get close. Though the person is obviously not handling life well, and is intent on hurting you at this moment, what they may really be saying is, ‘I don’t believe you love me.’ If this is the case, shut up and hug them. If this is not the case, and the person is behaves like this at random with everyone, disengage and leave as soon as possible. You, like everyone else, have limits. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in the drama and do, or say, something you will later regret. Disengage before this happens. (This does not mean you get to walk out on every argument you aren’t enjoying. This advice is only for dealing with people who routinely lose control and who cannot be reasoned with. For all other situations, toughing it out and actually solving the problem yields the best results.)

5. Do not allow the angry person to control your life.
Too often we become obsessed with the fact that someone is upset with us. We allow the argument to consume our thoughts, and ruminate on the many ways we are going to solve it. When it becomes obvious that this is a pattern, and not a solvable situation, stop. There are other people in your life who are not unreasonable, and who need and deserve your attention. Stop fixating on the person who is being unreasonable (You have tried and they have proven that they need more help than you can give.) and start intentionally putting your efforts into people who will receive what you have to offer. Too often families suffer because mom or dad is caught up in a drama with an adult relative who simply will not behave. Your spouse and children deserve more than this. Try to settle the dispute, and when it becomes obvious it will not be settled in the near future, disengage. You will need to deal with the problem at times, but it should not be the focus of your life.

So here it is in review:

When dealing with an unreasonable person:

1. Admit that it is tough, and plan for it by surrounding yourself with uplifting people or activities before and after you encounter the person known for tearing you down. Tough emotional situations are times you want to look and feel your best, and then allow yourself time to de-stress before you take your angst and transfer it inappropriately to someone you who does not deserve it.

2. Set time limits on every meeting with the dysfunctional person.

3. Do not get caught up in senseless arguments, but return to the topic at hand. It will be tempting to defend yourself; don’t. Name-calling behavior is never based on reality and you will only reinforce their feeling of being right to abuse you when you stoop to acting as they do.

4. End the argument by loving or leaving. Sometimes the argument is a cry for affirmation, other times it is a hostile life pattern. Decide which it is, then act. If the hug doesn’t work, or is inappropriate, exit and if necessary, try again when they have calmed down.

5. Stop thinking about it. (Easier said than done.) This one takes practice. You must remind yourself that there are more important things in life and focus on what is currently in front of you. People who know how to behave should not lose out because of those who don’t.

I hope this helps. The most freeing thing in my life has been the realization that some people are not going to be nice and there is nothing I can do about it. I try to help, but when the abuse continues, there is not much left for me to do. It is not my fault they misbehave (I did not raise them.) and there is not much I can do about it. But I can limit my exposure so that I too do not become an emotional train wreck as a result of the interaction. Words do hurt, and I am as vulnerable as the next person to emotional abuse. The difference between someone who handles these situations well and those who don’t is often the boundaries they allow themselves to set. Spending 24/7 ruminating on an abusive situation will not allow you to look at the situation with clarity and function as a sane, rational human being. Some things are not for you to solve, and some solutions come when the person realizes people will no longer stand for their behavior.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Life

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Reviewing the Declaration of Independence in Light of Today’s Government

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

I have really tried not to be political on this blog. Why? Because debating current events tends to lead to time wasting controversies I do not wish to engage in. But, in going through the Declaration in order to write my piece on tyranny in relationships I noticed something- in many ways our government is doing exactly the same types of things that King George was called out for. Am I blaming any one politician? No. These things have been going on for some time now, and the only fault the person currently in office has is that they too did not recognize this and make it go away. (We can debate how much they have made it better or worse on another day.) So let’s look at what our government is currently up to that made our forefathers mad.

1. He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good… He has endevoured to prevent the population of these United States; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners…

Our federal government can’t seem to make up its mind regarding immigration, so it does nothing. And when the states attempt to do something, it stops their actions. Immigration has been an issue since the founding of our country. Our forefathers wanted to increase the population. Today we wish to regulate it and ensure those coming in are ‘safe.’ The problem with King George was that he would not make a reasonable law that would enable proper immigration. We have the same problem today.

2. He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

Have you noticed how many departments and agencies now exist? All of them are funded through taxpayers’ dollars, and all of them are in charge of regulating our lives. Some of them are good and necessary. Others are redundant and would be better if done on the state level, where local concerns may be taken into consideration. It may be time to say ‘too much’ and work to simplify government, in much the same way we do when our lives become busy and over-extended.

3. He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

The Department of Homeland Security, the NSA and the TSA are examples of agencies whose purpose seems to be policing the citizenry. This is not how our founders expected free men to live. Further, some of our police departments, and social service agencies seem to have overstepped their bounds and gone from ‘serve and protect’ to harass and assume. As frustrating as it may be, all citizens are to be treated with respect and are assumed to be innocent until proven innocent in a court of law.

4. He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to the civil power.

Our military is now under the jurisdiction of the federal government (no more is it a coordination of state militias), and when it is sent to an area, it does not seem to answer to the local officials in charge. Our founders wanted protection from an over-reaching government. Any policy that places the federal government in supreme control over everything does not comply with what our founders intended.

5. He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution…

Have you noticed how many treaties and executive agreements have been made? And many of them were made without the consent of congress. (Reminder, according to our constitution a treaty trumps any state law. (Article VI) And an executive agreement between our president and another country is being treated as if it carries the same weight as a treaty that actually made it through congress.) This is not the method our founders envisioned, and these short-cuts bring us closer to a dictatorship. It is time to back away from that edge and re-instate a little more restraint when it comes to the power of one man, our president (any president).

6. For quartering large bodies of troops among us.

What the heck is the DHS doing with all that ammo and riot control machinery? Why is the IRS training with rifles? Is this really the job of the federal government, to police our local streets? We have a military and we have police, what exactly are these other agencies doing? These tactics are not what one would expect if their only purpose was to weed out terrorists. Let’s put the responsibility of keeping order in America back in the hands of local people who know their community and can make judgments based on that knowledge.

7. For protecting them, by a mock trial…

When was the last time a congressional review resulted in anyone losing their job, no matter how grievous the error? Today the name of the game seems to be protect those who are appointed, not ensure the safety and rights of those they supposedly serve (the taxpayer).

8. For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world.

Some trade agreements are good, but today we seem to be using trade as a means of obtaining what we want politically from other countries. This was not what our founders wanted. They wanted the freedom to trade with whomever they wished, free from government interference whenever possible.

9. For imposing taxes on us without our consent.

Pork and other deals that sneak into bills meant for other purposes reek of this. We may have wanted whatever the bill was for, but we did not want all of the ‘extras’ it came with.

10. And waging war against us…

Cutting funding to things that will ‘hurt’ in order to manipulate the people into supporting funding for the things you favor is not the way government is to work. Like King George it seems that many of our elected officials wage a passive-aggressive war on the American people in order to find support for the ideology they believe in. This is not the way the system was designed to work.

11. He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny… totally unworthy of a civilized nation.

When was the last time the American people fully understood why we were involved in a military action? Tyranny is when the government decides for itself, without the consent of the people, to do what it wants. Shouldn’t something as large as sending our troops, our sons and daughters (my son), oversees into combat require a bit more of an explanation than what we are receiving? And it seems some of our methods are suspect. On one hand we hamper our troops effectiveness with PC rules that have no place in actual combat, and on the other hand we use drones that seemingly do more harm than we should have intended. It’s time to revamp and rethink how we do war.

12. He has excited domestic insurrections among us…

You cannot mention the president’s name today without stirring emotions and potentially starting an argument. This was true for G.W. as well. Our government, it’s policies and the statements of our elected officials do more to enrage and encourage emotion than they do to encourage serious debate. We really need to get back to the issues and stop acting like we are on a reality talk show when dealing with the problems we face as a nation. And we need to hold those accountable who seek to stir up emotions rather than engage in honest debate.

This problem is ours. We the people need to take responsibility for what we have created. We need to encourage cuts and accountability. We need to take back responsibility for our local affairs. We need to encourage responsible dialogue and not jump emotionally into the fray without realizing that we have no idea what we are actually supporting. And we need to hold the media accountable. They are to report in an unbiased manner (i.e. They may give their opinion, but they may not leave out the facts that may lead us to disagree.), and they are not to seek to merely stir emotions and get people upset over things they know nothing about. It’s time to take back our country and run it in a way that makes sense, before we, as a nation, become a reality show that is too sad and dysfunctional to watch.

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Life

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Be Unique, Be Very Unique!

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God created us as unique individuals, everyone different from the other. Yet we live in a world that pressures us to be the same. How freeing would it be to actually be true to who you are? To admit that you are great at some things, and allow yourself the freedom to shine? To also admit that you are not good at other things, and allow yourself to shore up those areas by delegating those tasks to others who do shine? How great would it be to be you?

So here’s the challenge:
For one week do nothing different, just record every little thing you do. Include everything, from shaving, to putting on make-up, to doing the dishes and walking the dog. Everything.
During this week also be formulating a list of things you believe to be important. They may include one-on-one time with your children, romance with your spouse, working on your manuscript etc. At the end of the week rank these things in their order of importance.

And buy some multi-colored highlighters. (Or crayons, your kids probably have some.)

When the week is done create categories. They may be ‘work,’ ‘exercise,’ ‘eating,’ ‘chores,’ ‘sleep,’ whatever you want to call them. Highlight each category in a different color. Notice what takes up most of your time.

Next, go through the list and mark the activities you enjoy with one symbol, and the activities you do not enjoy with another. If your days are full of activities you do not enjoy spend some time figuring out how to decrease the time you spend on them. (This may involve you doing something you enjoy that makes the money you use to hire someone else to do the thing you do not enjoy. One writer I know became a writer merely to continue to afford her cleaning lady.) So you may hire someone to do things, cut them out completely or find other ways to minimize the time you spend on them. If you must do them, find ways to make them fun. Combine them with your favorite music, a TV show you like in the background, do them with friends, whatever works. Or find a fun alternative. You may find exercise boring, but necessary, so put on your thinking cap, something like going dancing may burn just as many calories and score you a date night with your spouse. A family sports activity may also be just the thing.

Now look at the list of things that are important to you. Notice how much time you actually spend on them. If it is not as much time as you would like, re-arrange your life to make sure the things you value actually get done.

Then re-look at your record. Next to every single activity note the reason you do what you do. Also note whether, or not the amount of time you spend doing it seems reasonable. For instance, next to ‘brush teeth’ you may write, ‘So my teeth don’t fall out and my breath does not offend.’ Since the two minutes you spend on this seems reasonable, move on. What you may find is that some activities take up way too much of your time, time that could be spent doing other things. Streamline these activities. Other activities make no sense. You do them because you are in the habit of doing them, and their return on investment is minimal. Cut these things out of your life. Just remember, ‘Because I enjoy it’ is a valid reason. These activities, when they do not affect your productivity, contribute to your mental health. Don’t cut too many of these out, and make sure some occur every day.

Now look at your appearance. What does it say about you? Does it fit your lifestyle? Does it incorporate things you like? Is it functional? Some of us like to dress up. If you do then spending hours on your appearance is part of you feeling good about yourself. Others of us value our sleep. Easy to manage haircuts and morning routines make more sense. Make a list of little things that make you smile. It may be Star Trek memorabilia or a certain style of jewelry. Begin to incorporate the things you like into your life. It doesn’t have to be tacky. A nice pair of Star Trek cufflinks, a geode as a necklace, these are little things that make you smile yet don’t distract others who may not have the same tastes.

Finally, take a look at how you communicate. Many of us are so afraid of offending others we rarely express our opinions, or ask for our needs to be met. This is caustic to your mental health. While you always want to be tactful, and aware of other’s feelings, no one can adequately know you or meet your needs unless you express them. Keeping everything bottled up inside and hoping someone will notice you need help only leads to explosive situations and poor self esteem. Will everyone like what you have to say? No, that’s not the way the world works. But those who are mature will understand and respect your opinion if you express it with the love and respect you would expect in return.

It is also okay to set boundaries. There are those who, in inappropriate ways, take too much of your time and emotional energy. Feel free to set boundaries; it is a healthy things to do. Will they like it? Probably not, and you may have to have a very frank conversation with them, but if they are truly inappropriate, this may help them to deal more positively with others in the future and benefit them as well. (They probably have more important things they should be doing too.)

With your new ‘free-time’ (This exercise should free up some time.) allow yourself some time to explore new things. Many of us have not tried anything outside our cultural norm. Stop in a store you would not normally shop in but were always curious about. Check out entertainment, like the opera, country line dancing, martial arts lessons, pottery classes etc you have never tried before and discover for yourself whether, or not, it is for you. Start to fill your day with the things that are important and incorporate the things you truly enjoy into your schedule.

Being yourself saves you time and emotional energy. It allows you to prioritize the things that are important, and delegate the things that are not. No human being will be good at everything. Unless it is something you alone must do, stop trying to master the things you hate, and are not good at, and begin to invest in and excel at the things you love.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Life

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Our Need to Be Affirmed

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So many people have warned me that I needed to have ‘thick skin’ to do so many things in life, and it’s true, I did need to let many things just roll off my back and realize that the issues the irate person was addressing had more to do with what they were dealing with in life than they did with me. But I also got to the point where I realized that needing to be affirmed was not a bad thing. It is a normal human emotional need, and it is entirely Biblical.

So, while it is not good to be too caught up in seeking the approval of others, we do need to remember:
1. Respect is something that righteous people have earned, so it can be expected when you do well. (Rom. 13:7, 1 Thess. 4:12)
2. Praise is Biblical, and it is acceptable to feel good about it. (Prov. 27:2, 31:31)
3. Affirmation is given to the godly, and even to Jesus (whom God loved and was well pleased with) on more than one occasion. (Mk. 1:11, Lk. 19:17)

So the next time you are beating yourself up for being ‘thinned skin’ or needing the approval of others, take time to do a reality check. Are you really being overly sensitive? Or just reacting to a typical human need?
Photo by Matija Barrett

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Poverty Mentality

Photo by Matija Barrett

 

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I have lived amongst the rich, and among the poor, and among those who are in between. Here are some of the fallacies that keep the middle class from succeeding.

1. My teen needs a job so he learns the value of hard work.
Unless you are very selective, or lucky, what your teen will learn from most minimum wage jobs is how to submit to poor authority, and, unless he is shown examples of good authority in the future, he will learn by example to be poor authority as well (which will limit his opportunities for advancement).
What you teen needs are skills that he can build on and use as an adult. Many of these skills will result in income, some will not. A job should not be the ultimate goal, but instead every opportunity should be judged by what your child will learn from it. Having a job merely to have a job can be counter-productive and rob your child of time he needs to learn other things. Some jobs are valuable, others are not.

2. No matter how wealthy I am I will never hire I housekeeper and will do my own yard work.
Poor people believe that having others do jobs around your house is a sign of laziness. Wealthy people understand that time is money/productivity. If someone else can do it, then they have time to use their skills elsewhere. And this is not selfish. The person being employed is grateful for the work, and the time the wealthier person spends on the job leads to more of whatever is making him wealthy to be available to the public. For a doctor, this means more hours of healthcare available to the community. For a businessman, this means the company is more productive, which leads to higher salaries and more people employed.

3. My son needs to go to college so he can get a job.
It is nice to be employed, but it is better to be your own boss. Employees only make so much money. Owning your own business means the sky is the limit. There is nothing wrong with employment, but if you truly want to succeed, creating something new that you retain the rights to is the real goal. College is great for acquiring skills, but it is not the only path to success, and is sometimes not the most efficient one.

4. It shouldn’t matter how I look. People should judge me for who I am.
In an ideal world, this would be true, but the fact is that most people will size you up in the first few seconds and if you do not make a good impression, that is all the time you will ever spend with them. Life is busy. You need to use everything at your disposal, including your appearance, to help you succeed. So speak clearly, shake hands firmly, look people in the eye and dress for the position you wish to have. (Looking at my appearance right now, I obviously want to be home with the kids!)

True story: My son wants to run his own business one day, so he was looking for management level jobs at a young age. He was hired as a ‘house boy’ at a hotel. He dressed like he was hired for management. One of the other houseboys told him that he did not have to dress like that for work. My son (19) is now a supervisor, being groomed for management and the adult who gave him this advice is still a houseboy. Did I mention my son was labeled as special-needs in school? How you look, and act matters.

5. It’s not my job.
Some people are always on the defensive. They are worried about their ‘rights.’ They complain that people are asking too much of them, or taking advantage of them. People who advance in life are looking for learning opportunities. They know these exist at the top levels of the company and will do anything to get there. They stay late, arrive early and bring work home. They do not worry about whether, or not it is in their job description, or when their break is. They also realize that the reason someone may be giving them more responsibilities is to see how they handle things before promoting them.

True story: When my cousin graduated high school he worked in the real estate field in NYC. He worked crappy hours and was generally taken advantage of in order to learn the business. He now owns multiple companies, and gives lectures to others who want to know how to get ahead, and because of his success, he now has plenty of time to play (and is contemplating buying an airplane).

6. It takes time to find yourself and figure out what you want to do.
While your child is sitting on your couch finding himself and figuring out what he wants to do in life, other people’s children are gaining skills they will need for the future. Once you have a family, it is hard to catch up. The years between high school and marriage are the years to put the pedal to the metal and learn everything you can, before diaper changes and late night feedings take up much of your life.

7. Why am I learning this? I’m never going to use it.
Knowledge is never wasted. At the very least, everything you learn exercises your brain so you are able to learn more easily. (This is why the elderly are advised to do crossword puzzles etc.) Algebra skills may not be used in ‘real life’ but they are a part of most placement tests, including the ASVAB to get into the military. There is no such things as useless knowledge. You never know what life will bring, and every piece of information you gain is a piece of something that may come in handy later in life.

8. I don’t need school; I want to be a stay-at-home mom.
Even if life works out perfectly, stay-at-home moms still need to help out with the homework, occasionally do the bills, stay within a budget and other things that require an education. Further, more and more stay-at-home moms are home schooling (which is easier if you actually did well in science and took calculus in high school). In the worst-case scenario, where the husband is injured or dies, a stay-at-home mom must now support her family. It is easier and less stressful for a mom to enter the workforce with a degree and/or a solid educational background then to try to support her family on minimum wage.

9. Grades are everything.
If your goal is to own your own business, chances are no one is going to look at your GPA. Networking is as important as grades. This is why wealthy people send their children to schools that children of other wealthy people attend. While you may not be able to send your child to an Ivy League school, you should know that who you know matters. Making connections is as important as learning a skill. Mentors are invaluable; especially if your child wishes to do something you and your spouse have never done before. Good business partners, investors, customers and even future employees often are the people you meet as you travel through life. It is hard to meet them if you never exit your dorm room. Have you ever noticed that most heads of major companies, and even our presidents were rarely the straight A students, and more often are the smart, but charismatic ones?

10. Grades do not matter.
Grades are an indication of how much you have learned. While it may not be imperative to your career to have a 4.0 (though it may, if the skill-set you are pursuing requires an advanced degree), it is important that you learn the material.

11. Opera, golf and country clubs are stupid.
A person should be willing to try anything with a gracious attitude. No one likes the things they find enjoyable put down. If you cannot enjoy it, at least be nice about it. Further, many of these activities are designed for socializing, so that people can get to know you. Listening to your complaints about how stupid and useless something is does not make a good impression.

12. I am fine the way I am.
In every area of life there are expectations as to how someone is to behave. There are rules for a bowling alley and there are rules for a dinner party. Learn the rules for the situation you are in. Insisting on doing things your way will only make you unpleasant to be around.

True story: When the children were old enough to behave, but young enough to still be at home we attended lunches at the local museum where meals were served with multiple forks etc. I did not make a big deal out of it, and the children picked it up quickly. If you approach life as an opportunity, understanding that nothing is too difficult, you will learn to be at ease in many different settings. By the way: On one particular occasion the older crowd was having an unusual amount of trouble with the cheesecake that was served for desert. Numerous pieces hit the floor. As soon as an ‘accident’ occurred, the wait staff immediately replaced the desert, and then, to my children’s amusement, discretely kicked the offending piece under the long table cloth!

13. Eight years is too long to go to school after high school.
Many children decide not to go for advanced degrees merely because four more years seems like a lifetime to them. Here’s a little knowledge: Four years is nothing compared to the rest of your life, and if the difference in salary and job-satisfaction is significant, then four more years is worth it! What most people do not realize is that most advanced degrees are not four years of intense classroom time. Medical school typically contains a year and a half of rotations, which involve working at the hospital for no pay. Dental school has labs, and patient care, which increases as the years go by, and master’s and doctoral degrees involve research into subjects of your own choosing, and sometimes involve using cool things like wind tunnels, 3-D printers and explosives depending on your major. Going to school for advanced degrees is not the same as sitting in high school. Sure, there are some tough years, but it is not as bad as it seems, especially if it is a field you enjoy.

True story: I was once asked to accompany a PhD student to South America to ride mopeds through the jungle to collect monkey poop. I also worked as a teaching assistant in a gross anatomy lab dissecting human cadavers, and as a physical therapy student had a lab devoted entirely to giving and receiving massages. Some of my friends participated in earthquake research and built model buildings in order to shake them to see how long it took them to fall apart. They also built a cement canoe. (Not sure why, but they had fun.) Advanced education is not entirely books and papers…

14. Work sucks.
Work should not ‘suck.’ If work sucks you are in the wrong field; do something to change it. (If everything in life ‘sucks,’ then you probably need to change your attitude towards life, but that is a different lecture.) Find something you enjoy. This is what you are going to do well, and not mind spending lots of time and energy doing. It is also likely something you are skilled at and find easy, so there is more of an opportunity for success. Work should be something you have a hard time tearing yourself away from, not something you can’t wait to quit. Have you ever noticed that rich people tend not to retire?

15. I’m smart, so I should go into something to do with math or science.
If you enjoy math and science, then go for it, but there are many, many fields to choose from, and smart people do well in them too. Top chefs, interior decorators, event planners, etc are all smart people who have a passion for something society typically does not view as a career choice for those who do well in school. But if it is your passion, your braininess will only enhance your career.

True story: My daughter came home and stated that she should probably think about a career in science because she was ‘smart.’ She has always wanted to be an event planner (wedding planner/ party planner). She is smart, and a total geek who is currently watching her way through the entire Dr. Who series. But she is also a very social child, who once took out the sewing machine in the RV to sew herself a new pair of pajama pants before bed because she did not like the way the ones she had on fit. (Yes, I had a sewing machine and fabric in the RV. These are necessities if you are raising a child like this!) She also made a rice-filled back pillow for a man we met whose back was hurting… She can be a scientist if she wants, but the way she cares about people combined with her creative streak will likely make her a very successful event planner as well, and smoothly run scientific conferences and international events also contribute to the good of society.

16. If I make a lot of money I’m going to give it all away.
You can, but chances are you won’t. Why? Because by the time you have made a lot of money you will realize what money can do. Money, when properly invested, makes more money. This does not mean that you will not be charitable, but it does mean that you will not be giving money away haphazardly. You will take care of your family in such a way that your children will have the best chances to succeed, then you will likely invest in whatever it is that you did well in the first place, knowing that this creates jobs and resources other people find valuable (or they would not have invested in it in the first place and you would not be rich). You also realize that helping people achieve is more of a solution to poverty than any other form of charity we have, so most of your efforts will be to find people who want to work and then investing time and money into making their efforts worthwhile. This will not look like charity since you will gain a useful employee in the process. If the new employee is successful however, you may have also trained your next competitor as well! You will also realize that you having authority over your money means that you control how it is used, and you can make sure it is not wasted. Giving money to ‘good causes’ often means that money goes to line the heads of these organization’s pockets, or goes to efforts that sound good, but do not work. People who have worked hard and succeeded rarely like to see the fruits of their labor wasted. Further people who are wealthy do not enjoy hearing how generous you would be if you were in their place. Their thoughts: You won’t use your time to make money, so why would I believe you would use your money, if you had any, any differently? (Ouch!) They are also likely giving more to charities they believe in than you know.

17. Being ‘rich’ involves having lots of money.
While the focus here has been on making money, money is not the key to having a ‘rich’ life. Many poor people have more disposable income than people making much more than them, and they are living much happier lives. Why? Because they live below their means. Their house, car and other payments do not leave them broke at the end of the day. The extra money means they can afford to go on vacations, have a few extras and spend time with the people they love. Many upper middle class people have nice houses, nice cars and no money to do the things they want. This is no way to live, and it makes life stressful. Whenever you can, budget in such a way that all your expenses are met with a decent amount left over to invest, be generous with and enjoy.

True story: When my husband was an intern we lived in a trailer park. (Our neighbors loved telling people about the doctor who lived next door to them!) Many of our neighbors had enough money to buy a house, but chose not to. Why? Because the trailer park was a nice place to live, and the money they saved enabled them to have big screen TVs, RVs, four-wheelers and other toys. Quality of life was more important to them than the quality of their house. We had a lot of fun there.
Another man we knew lived in a small, one room apartment he built off his shop. He could afford more, but would rather spend his money traveling the world.

Life is an adventure, but it is helpful to do it in ways that do not limit your success. Examine everything you do and ask yourself why you are doing it. Every choice comes with baggage. Make the choices that will best enhance your (or your child’s) life.

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Life

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The Declaration of Independence on Relationships

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The Declaration of Independence describes to all nations, not just England, what tyranny looks like, and when it is right and proper to end a relationship. While this is a relationship between Mother England and her colony, it reasonably follows that tyranny is tyranny no matter what the relationship and that the same principles that defined a tyrannical leader in the 1700s should be applicable today.

So what principles can we apply to church, home, employment etc to ensure that we, whenever we have authority, are exercising it properly, and so that we, whenever we are under authority, know when it is proper to say enough is enough?

1. Everyone has a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Any behaviors that physically affect a person, keeps them from being free to leave the situation or keeps them from pursuing their dreams is an oppressive relationship. Sure, there are always choices that must be made, and one choice often precludes another choice, but the person whose life is affected by the choice should be either part of the choice, and/or be allowed to leave and choose to pursue happiness elsewhere. (The exception to this is incarceration, where your behavior required you to be separated from others for the good of society.)

2. People should try to restore the relationship, and should not break relationships for ‘transient’ causes (things that are short-lived), but when there is a ‘long train of abuses and usurpations’ then it is a person’s right and duty to throw off this form of government.

There are two important points here:

-The colony (the person under authority) has rights that can be usurped. Being in a position of authority therefore does not give one unlimited power.

-The person who is oppressive is the one who forced the other to break the relationship. It is therefore the oppressive persons fault the relationship failed. The oppressed was correct to leave.

So let us look at the specific things that England did, and examine how an individual may oppress another individual in a similar way.

1. The King, a tyrant, refused to consent to laws for the public good.

Many leaders have this problem. They either do not like to make decisions, or do not like to take advice, so there is little guidance and direction given to the people who are under their authority. Or, if there are rules in place, the leadership undermines these rules by refusing to back up the person charged with enforcing them, by somehow negating the rule or by telling the person in violation ‘not to worry about it.’ Rules provide protection from oppression, as well as a framework that defines how the work is to be done. Too few rules, or no back up leads to the chaos of anarchy, where everyone does whatever they feel to be ‘right.’

(Today, this would be the federal government not enforcing immigration laws, and denying the states the right to handle the problems this lack of enforcement creates themselves.)

2. No one can make necessary rules without the king’s consent.

The people under the king, but over others are not able to make decisions on their own. Everything must pass through the leader (king), except that the king is not available, so when a problem occurs no one feels like they have the right to handle the situation.

3. The person in charge creates situations that make discussions, or meetings so difficult that they are not worth having.

In a marriage, or an employee/employer relationship this may be a person that refuses to listen, yells and goes on the defensive whenever they fear someone may say anything they do not wish to hear. Or they may walk away. There is no way to solve problems since there is no easy method for communication.

4. When someone does stand up for what is right, the leader removes the person, or committee, or shuts down the methods of communication.

This may be shutting down the committee that brought the problem to their attention, removing the suggestion box, refusing to go to counseling/mediation or just being generally unavailable so that no conversations may occur. The person does not like the methods used by the person bringing the matter to their attention and makes no effort to offer another solution to facilitate conversation in a timely manner.

5. The leader makes the people under them aware that life will not go well for them if they do not cater to his whims.

The people under him are scared to disagree. They know that there will be things withheld or they may even lose their position if they do not keep the leader happy.

6. A tyrant also harasses people.

Why? To let them know that, if they think life is bad now, he has the power to make it worse. This keeps people fearful. They know the situation is bad, but they also know it will get worse if they make the leader unhappy by trying to change it.

7. The leader also uses an unreasonable amount of resources.

The person in charge feels that, because they are in charge, they are entitled to use the resources freely, without thought about the people under them and what they might need. In a home, this may be watching what you want on T.V. without thought to what others may wish to see, or what might be appropriate for young children. It may also be spending recklessly, even if it is within the ‘rules,’ even money is tight. In the home this attitude would be, ‘I make the money, so I am entitled to enjoy it.’
A leader in the workplace, or in government is responsible for making right and proper decisions, not skirting the rules so that things work to their, or the people they prefer’s, advantage.
This is not the attitude of someone with a servant’s heart who wants to see their family, business or country prosper.

8. A tyrant also maintains methods of keeping people in line when there is no reason to do so.

The people under this leader have given no indication that they may behave badly, yet the tyrant sets up rules and processes by which to catch people in the act of committing crimes there is no reason to assume they will commit. This creates an atmosphere of fear and perfectionism, where everyone under this authority is afraid of being caught making a mistake. Leaders who do this, like the King of England, often have a group of informants whose word trumps even the most respected people outside their circle. Signs of this type of leadership include excessive security cameras trained on the staff and people who fear meetings since they assume they may be called on the carpet for something at any minute, even though they cannot think of anything they could have done to deserve such treatment.

9. A leader does not respect the rights of the people under them.

For the King of England, this meant that he could quarter troops in private citizens’ homes. In a church, this style of leadership causes members of the congregation to feel that they cannot say no to requests on their time, hospitality or donation of money. In a family, this means you really should talk with your spouse before inviting people over, especially if it is for an extended stay. In the extreme this means, do not tell your mother she can move in with you without speaking to your spouse first!

10. Mock trials: A leader pretends to listen and play fair, but everyone knows the situation has already been decided and the process is a sham.

I attended a meeting once about a Bible study curriculum I did not feel was accurate. When I arrived the DVD series was not available to reference, and it was clear the decision was already made, regardless of what I may have to say, since the ‘decision maker’ was absent and someone was sent with typed notes in their place. Any time you decide to ‘humor’ a person, rather than getting to the root of the problem (which may be the person’s behavior, stubbornness or lack of knowledge) you have circumvented the process of true justice which, if done correctly, should lead to increased knowledge and maturity.

11. Cutting off trade and imposing unreasonable taxes.

A leader who limits what people can do outside of their authority, or makes a person jump through unnecessary hoops to serve is in spirit doing the same thing. They are restricting the opportunities a person has to use their skills in a productive way. This may occur in a marriage when one spouse places unreasonable demands on another that thwarts their ability to get a job or an education, instead of coming up along side of them to help them succeed. In a church, this may be excessive requirements for even the most qualified to go through before they may serve. Often these are tests of ‘loyalty’ designed to produce ‘yes-men’ who will give the leader little trouble even when what he wants to do is complete folly.

12. Creating pretend offenses that people under them must answer for.

A despot of a leader often has thin skin and believes that many completely innocent actions are really secret passive-aggressive moves aimed against them. Typically this is because the leader engages in passive-aggressive behavior and so believes that everyone around them is as guilty as they are. Sometimes is it the result of past bullies, who, because the leader was not sure of himself, were allowed to attack him and those he loves for far too long. Many discussions about supposed backstabbing are a sign that this may be the issue.

13. Arbitrary and constantly changing rules that the leader does not apply to everyone.

A tyrant by definition wants things his or her way. They are controlling and a symptom of this is that the rules do not apply to them, or the people they currently favor. Why? Because the rules are not about right or wrong, they are about controlling the people they do not see as worthy. The rules change frequently because they are based on the leader creating the environment they desire and not about what is truly right in each situation.

14. A tyrant feels free to change agreements whenever they wish, even agreements that were put into writing.

This type of leader believes that leadership means they can do whatever they want. Meeting times and other plans will often change at the last minute to fit their needs, because their schedule and what they do in life is very important. They do not see that this has any negative affect on those around them, since they view others as having less important things to do.

15. Declaring people ‘out of his protection’ and waging war against them is his way of maintaining control.

If you do not please this leader he will deny you the things that are under his control that are necessary for you to do your part in the relationship. He will go further and punish you for not doing what he has denied you the ability to do by withholding the resources (which may be information), or creating a time crunch so you will have to rush to get what he wants done, even though others have known about it for weeks.

16. He will enlist others to ‘punish’ you as well.

There are many types of mercenaries, and many reasons why people will be a mercenary even today. Sometimes it is just lack of information. The leader, who is trusted because of his position, has twisted the facts and painted such a bad picture of the person they are thwarting that other people react badly to the person as well. At other times, blind loyalty, or not wanting to be on the leader’s bad side themselves motivates others to avoid and alienate the person the leader is currently displeased with. The addition of these ‘mercenaries’ typically makes the person under such authority leave the situation. While this happens in a church or work environment, this can also happen in a family. Be cautious of the person who is always on the phone telling you how awful so-and-so is.

17. A tyrant incites trouble within the organization or group they are in charge of.

These are people who stir up strife. They are typically experts at making it look like they are not involved and are the only sane person in the situation. But, when there is a pattern of upset people around the person in charge, look closely. There are people who know exactly what to say to create contention. Why? So they can be the heroes; the only person everyone likes, and the person people go to with their problems. It is a way to gain power and control, although it may just be a sign of ineptitude. (i.e. I do not know how to lead, so I play the devil’s advocate to avoid a decision, and then blame the people I riled up for the delay in progress.)

Also contained in the Declaration are the things good people do to rectify these situations. They:

1. They address their problems to the appropriate people humbly.

2. They warn others of the leader’s behavior because they do not want to see them hurt. (This is not malicious gossip, since its intent is to help and the information is pertinent to the situation.)

3. They remind people of the agreements that were made, and show how the leader violated these agreements. (These are not charges with no basis, but things that can be proven and reviewed by others. Good people want the matter out in the open, where people can decide for themselves what is right or wrong. Tyrants want everything hushed up and kept secret. They believe that no one, even people who are appropriate to help in these situations, needs to know their business.)

4. Good people understand that oppression is intolerable and that there is a time when separation is necessary, although that time is only after many, many attempts to reconcile have been tried.

In short, a tyrant’s goal is not justice, but control. Their wish is for everything that is not to their liking to just go away. They punish anyone who doubts their way of doing things, they do not like constructive criticism and tend to see others who do not share their views as being out to get them. Tyrants create fictions about why people should blindly obey or follow them. Even when their motivations are good, they do not feel the need to explain themselves, which makes it difficult for people to follow them, since they do not understand why they are doing the things they were instructed to do. Tyrants may appear anywhere, and are not always the people who have actual positional authority. (For example, many three-year-olds are effective tyrants in homes where parental authority is lacking.) The root of tyranny is selfishness, and a belief that my way is the best way. A tyrant may do many good things, but it is because it serves their own interests (which may be being perceived as good) and not because it is the right and proper thing to do. Life with a tyrant has many ups and downs because it is the rules of whims and not the rule of righteousness that takes precedence (though a tyrant may cite the law, and what is right, when it suits his purpose, but abandons it, or sites a contradictory rule, when it does not).

I hope this helps you sort out the situations you are facing. Many people feel guilty leaving oppressive situations, or standing up and doing anything about them, when the fault and reason something must be done has nothing to do with their behavior, and everything to do with the person over them behaving as if they were the only one whose wants and opinions truly matter. (And yes, we can apply this to the situations in our government as well…)

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Church Problems, Life, Marriage

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A Physical Therapist on Nutrition

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

When I was in college I took every nutrition class they had, was a teaching assistant for Nutrition and Behavior and even cooked for two Nutrition PhDs making perfect ‘ten’ meals. After college my continuing education courses also included sports nutrition whenever one was available. Here’s what I learned:

1. An active lifestyle is the most important factor in maintaining good health.
This does not mean you have to run a marathon. Too much exercise, or too intense an exercise program wears down parts of the body and makes old age uncomfortable. And, the common saying, ‘No pain, no gain,’ is a misconception (unless you are a complete wimp with absolutely no tolerance for the minimal pain that comes with exertion…). So keep it safe, and fun, resting when you are injured, and try to choose an activity you can do throughout your lifetime.

2. A balanced diet is the best diet.
Most of the vitamins you need are water-soluble meaning you pee them out easily. This means you need to replenish them often. Further, when your cholesterol is high you are told to increase your intake of fish oils. Why? So your HDLs (good cholesterol) is in sync with your LDLs (bad cholesterol). Your omega threes (fish oils) also need to balance your omega sixes (corn oils). If your diet is high in omega six, like most people in America, you are at risk for increased swelling, and diseases associated with swelling such as arthritis. Diets consisting solely of one type of food, whether it is hot dogs or mushrooms, increase your likelihood of cancer. Also fad diets often have good short-term results, with bad long-term effects. So… a variety of foods at each meal is best.

3. Whole foods are better than processed foods.
This should not surprise anyone, so whenever you can eat food in its rawest form. (But wash it first. E-coli and hepatitis are not fun.) This means whole grain breads, pastas and rice and fresh fruits and vegetables. Sugar is also a refined food, so limit its consumption. Sugar, as it is sold in most supermarkets, is stripped of its nutrients and therefore contains ’empty’ (non-nutritious) calories. Typically one should eat with the goal of maximizing the amount of vitamins and nutrients per calorie if possible. This means high fructose corn syrup, refined sugar, and white flour are not your best options.

4. Many health foods are not health foods.
Check the label. Just because it looks like a granola bar does not mean that it is not full of sugar. The ingredients in a product are always listed from largest quantity to smallest on the label. Also remember that all food contains calories, so that nutritious smoothie you just consumed will help you put on weight just as easily as a cheeseburger. It just contains more vitamins and nutrients to keep you healthy.

5. Emotions matter.
If you are stressed, depressed or overly tired you are not as likely to move as much, and more likely to crave food. Take care of your emotional well-being and find ways to simplify your life in order to stay healthy. Having adopted three older children I understand that this is not always possible. Do your best, but know that sometimes sacrifices must be made for a greater good and that is okay. When life gets easier, ease yourself back into healthier living. After thirty trying to jump back into vigorous exercise typically results in needing a physical therapist. Trust me, slowly ramping up into a fun, safe exercise program is the best way to achieve long term results. (Though most physical therapists are fun people. Just make sure you have good insurance, we’re not cheap!)

By the way- this is a lecture I am giving to myself!

My favorite diet:
I believe a macro-biotic diet is best. This means no refined sugar or processed foods such as white flour, white rice or white pastas. Only whole grains, vegetables, fruits and low fat milk and meats (unless you are pregnant or still growing, or exercising like a Navy Seal then the fat is fine). Eating 5-8 small meals a day (every two-three hours) instead of three meals a day is also best, just make sure they are small. Regular exercise is also a must. If you are gaining weight, increase your exercise and decrease your food intake. If you feel sluggish increase your food intake and increase your sleep and exercise. Don’t use caffeine to stay alert, get more sleep.

Now the down-side of this diet is that it interferes with social eating. While restaurants are doing better at providing healthy choices, most friendly parties and church pot-lucks are not. Since hospitality is an important part of Christian living, keep any diet in its proper prospective unless it is necessitated by a health concern.

How to make recipes ‘healthier:’

1. Use whole-grain flours instead of white. There are a few varieties typically available in most areas. You can mix them up or alternate them as you like. You may also add wheat germ as part of the amount of flour called for. Cookies and cakes may be made this way. Check the Internet for some whole grain recipes as well. Others have perfected their recipes and were nice enough to share. You may also use whole grain pastas and hearty rices as well.

2. Substitute no-sugar applesauce for oil in muffins or any other recipe that might taste good with apples. You can also use baby food, such as pureed prunes or peaches for variety.

3. Add dried berries and/or nuts to salads and recipes that would taste good with them for increased variety.

4. Check out vegetarian options to lower calories and fat and increase food variety. Some of the fake meat products are quite tasty- just don’t tell your spouse it’s meat and think they’ll be fooled. Meat in small quantities is good, since it contains fat-soluble vitamins. The amount of meat most Americans consume trends towards breaking the ‘do not eat only one thing’ rule. There are also mayonnaise, salad dressing and ketchup substitutes that are pricier, but lower in sugars and fat.

5. Try adding fish to your diet. Crab salad (imitation crab is usually halibut), salmon patties and tilapia are quite good. Tuna can also be added to some casseroles or served on its own. Vary your fishes as well.

6. When making crumb toppings for cakes and pies use 100% fruit juice concentrate (usually apple- do not dilute, it is so sweet you should use less) instead of sugar and butter. You can also mix it into the pie filling with a little whole-wheat flour instead of sugar and cornstarch. Oats also make a nice addition to crumb toppings. My topping is usually a handful of flour, a handful of oats, cinnamon, a little nutmeg and just enough apple juice concentrate to make everything clump together. (As you can see, I am a very precise baker!)

7. Substitute cottage cheese for ricotta. Some ricotta may be needed for taste in some recipes, but half cottage cheese and half ricotta may be nice.

8. Use soymilk in recipes. This not only decreases the amount of fat, but increases your variety of foods.

9. Learn to use spices to flavor meals instead of high sugar glazes and/or ketchup. Spices also contain anti-oxidants (things that help trap bad stuff like free radicals and get them out of your body) that are good for you. Use spices liberally.

10. Avoid fried foods. There is only so much oil a person needs in a day, and most fried foods have soaked up more than we need. French fries are the worst since potatoes make excellent oil traps. They also taste really good so you are unlikely to eat just a few.

11. Add vegetables to everything. You can even puree, or finely chop them to sneak them into sloppy joes, meatloaf, hamburgers, soups, and casseroles.

12. Use cast iron pans to increase your iron intake. Low iron (anemia) is a common cause of fatigue. Adding spinach or other dark greens also helps. Adding chlorophyll to your water helps too, but get the mint flavored kind. Pure chlorophyll is not all that tasty.

13. Drink unsweetened teas or water. Raspberry tea is my favorite. Teas often have vitamins and tannins that are good for you without the calories. Find a brand you like. You can even put it over ice. I like peppermint tea this way.

14. Oats can be added to ground beef. It increases the amount of fiber in the food and decreases the amount of fat by decreasing the amount of meat needed. Just add the oats after the fat is drained. Oats are fine in meat while baking, like in a hamburger or meatloaf, but are not good browned with your meat. Add them after browning for sloppy joes etc. Oats also make hamburgers fall apart more easily, so unless you put foil down, or really want to frustrate someone, don’t use much for grilling.

15. Try salsas instead of dip and chutneys low in sugar instead of glazes. Opt for baked chips instead of fried and whole grain chips instead of potato and corn for variety.

16. Watch your corn consumption. Most Americans eat too much corn. We use corn oil for cooking, eat corn as a side dish, have corn chips as snacks and there is high fructose corn syrup in everything. Corn is not a bad thing, but overconsumption puts your omega sixes out of balance with your omega threes, so unless you are going to eat a whole lot of fish as well, try another vegetable every now and then.

17. Decrease the meat. Baked potatoes with toppings make a good meal. Portabella mushrooms are great and there are a lot of recipes for them. There are also pasta dishes and rice casseroles that are very tasty. (Just use whole grain pastas and avoid white rice.) I will fry mushrooms in a little BBQ sauce and make sandwiches with them like they are pulled pork. My kids loved them until they tasted real pulled pork…

18. Vary your meats. American diets are typically high in beef. Try other lower fat meats as well. Most of them come ground for recipes, and you can mix them together for different flavors and textures. Add spices if you find them bland.

19. Remember that cut up fruit, or chilled canned fruit in light or no sugar, or even olives can function as a side dish as well. The more sides you serve, the more variety you have and the less of any one thing you eat.

20. Frozen grapes, pomegranate seeds and other fruits make good summer snacks. Fruit in a cup with a little whipped cream makes a desert than is better than most cookies and cakes.

Since vegetables do not keep as long as one may like I have a few interesting ways to get rid of limp veggies and any leftovers. Remember, the healthier you have eaten during the week, the healthier these meals will be.

Garbage Loaf: (You can call it whatever you want. I have boys and tomboys, so garbage loaf works for us.) Take all the leftovers and vegetables you think would taste good with ground meat (which is almost everything). Crumble them up and mix them in with your meat. Add Italian spices, onions, garlic, ketchup and/or BBQ sauce, and any extra healthy chips that are in the bottom of the bags that are too small for anyone to want to dip, but too many to throw out. Add an egg; separate it and add only the white if you want to decrease the cholesterol. Spinach and other dark greens also hide well in this recipe. You can top it with leftover spaghetti sauce too, but you don’t need to. Bake at 350 until cooked through. It’s not the healthiest meal, but it’s better than most meat loafs. Add fruit, bread and salad sides to this meal for balance.

Leftover Soup: Again, take all the leftovers and limp veggies that would work well together in a soup. (Really this only typically excludes breads and cake. It can include your leftover garbage loaf.) Crumble them up. Add V8 juice and Italian spices and pepper to taste. Onions and garlic are also a good addition if you like the flavor. Again, you can hide dark greens well in this recipe. Simmer until everything is as soft as you would like things in soup to be.

Anything Casserole: Take everything you have leftover that will go well together and crumble it together. Add a whole grain pasta or rice. (You can hide dark greens like spinach in this too.) Add a cream of something soup (not low cal/fat but tasty). Add enough water for the pasta or rice to cook (slightly watery, not soupy). Take the ends of the whole grain bread no one will eat and turn them into breadcrumbs. Add Italian spices, then sprinkle them on top. Bake at 350 until rice or pasta is done. If you use leftover rice or pasta (already cooked) then just heat it through.

My son wrote home from the Marines stating that the thing he missed most while on tour was the ‘meals with no name,’ so while these recipes may seem a bit iffy, they do turn out quite good. The only problem is that when your child, or spouse asks if you can make that again, the answer is ‘Only if we have exactly the same meals we had this week again and don’t eat the same amounts…’ A few times the meal was so good we attempted to create a recipe based on the main ingredients present. It worked, and we have a few unique meals we now make.

Disclaimer: This is, of course, not meant to be official health advice. If you do have health issues please see a physician who may recommend a nutritionist to help with your specific problem.
Remember, this is my pep-talk to myself.

Advice to young moms: Don’t stop exercising! It is much harder to get back in shape than to stay in shape, so unless your family really needs you 24/7 (as mine did, and many people with children with disabilities etc do), find time to take care of yourself.

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Life

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When Did Bragging About Your Kid Become So Wrong?

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

When I was a child, long before every house had A/C, adults sat on their porches and visited with neighbors. If a neighborhood child did something good, everyone heard about it and congratulated them. I don’t remember ever feeling ‘less than’ because we lived across the street from the high school quarterback who actually had one date with Brook Shields. (In our small town USA these things were big deals.) Instead I remember feeling proud to be somehow associated with people who did such things.

Fast forward to the world of home schooling. When my children were young, home schooling was still somewhat new. Every home school accomplishment was one more victory for our team. Life wasn’t a competition, but a group effort to ensure every child was supported and educated. In our case this occurred by supporting the parents, sharing ideas, new curriculum finds and field trip opportunities.

Today, while my younger children are finishing school life seems different. My announcements that my child received a scholarship are met with looks that say, ‘Well aren’t you so great,’ rather than ‘How’d you do that?’ And these looks are from the younger generation, who do not yet have a child to compete with mine- and who knows what theirs will do? (Though, from the responses I get, Mom is not too confident…) And maybe that’s the problem, our young moms are not so confident. Somehow we seem to have created a culture where everyone sucks is the motto, and striving to be exceptional, or even the best you can be, is discouraged. How did this happen? I don’t know, but we better work to get over it. Shared failure does not seem to be such a fun place to be. Let’s take back our ability to be happy for those who achieve. Let’s look to those who have done well before us, not as people who have attained the unattainable, but as those who can tell us how. Let’s rejoice in our uniqueness and add to the talent pool where we may, not caring what others will think when we do things just a little different than they did, because that is how you add value. Let’s not cringe when we do well, hoping no one will notice, but glory in the fact that we can make a difference, and we can be someone special to somebody.

My father talks of the high school janitors he used to have. Even when I was young, they were respected. The children loved them, and they looked out for us. When my father brought lobster home from a trip, one had to go to the man in the overalls, because for some reason, he was the one we most wanted to bless. Why was he ‘someone.’ Someone so important we’d put lobster on ice and save it for him? Because he cared. Because he was someone who came to work happy to be there, doing the extras to make our school special. Because we knew he loved us. How did we know he loved us? From his interest in our lives, his pleasure in our accomplishments and his disappointment when we did not behave. (Who do you think was in the hallway when you were sent out of class?) And we came home and bragged about him. I do not remember what we said, but it was enough that my parents would sacrifice part of our precious feast to give him something he had told one of their children he had never had before.

So instead of cowards, irritated that someone is doing something we are not, let us be the type of people whom others can brag on. The person who is so kind that everyone knows who they are and loves them. The one who, when others achieve, is in their corner cheering them on. This is the attitude that encourages greatness, and produces people of ability. This is the attitude that makes a community. This is the attitude that makes a janitor the greatest person in the building. And it produces a generation that learns.

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Children, Life

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Benghazi- Using Everything to Teach Your Children

Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

We home school, so when the news on Benghazi broke it became part of our lesson plan. In our home, everything is an object lesson. It is not just about the facts, but what we can learn from them. Here’s how it played out in our home…

1. You never, ever tell a lie especially when you know it will have a negative effect on someone else’s life.
People seem to forget the lie about the video landed a man in jail, with his reputation besmirched, as he became the person who caused the death of four men through his negligence. It doesn’t matter what his reputation was beforehand. He did not deserve this. Words have consequences, and for this man, a You Tube video that garnered little attention and likely would not have amounted to much now put him into the public spotlight and a jail cell. Why? Because someone lied.

2. When you realize you are wrong, you correct yourself and apologize.
Even if someone thought this really was about the video, when it became clear it was not about the video you come forward and fix your mistake. It is obvious now that it was never about the video, and, as far as I know, no one has done anything to rectify this lie. Instead, the game plan seems to be to pretend this never happened. Pretending a mistake did not happen is not how an upright person goes through life.

3. You do not leave people under your authority in harm’s way.
If Chris Stevens was a child, this would be abuse. He was placed in a dangerous situation, with inadequate protection, and his reasonable requests to the people in charge were denied. If this had been a business, it would be shut down. My daughter hit the nail on the head when she likened the situation to David sending Uriah to the wall then pulling back his reinforcements.

4. If you cannot provide what a person under your authority needs, you do not put them into the situation.
Chris Stevens was an American, and a homosexual. He was sent to an area where there are people who wish to kill both. Calling the residence something other than an embassy because it is not up to regulations is not going to protect this man. CYA is not ‘right,’ and in this case it got people killed. An upright person, one who is worthy of being in charge, worries more about their people than about getting ahead. It should never be about whether or not you can technically get away with it, it is about whether or not it is right to do.

5. When there is a problem, you send help, all the help you can.
No one knows when a situation will end, or what will turn then tide. Everything available should have been co-coordinated and sent. Two ex-Navy seals did a miraculous job holding people off, until they were overcome. What could a few more do? We will never know.

6. You plan for the future- all possible futures.
While there are situations that one cannot foresee, an attack on an embassy in a Muslim country on 9/11 was entirely foreseeable. (O.K. Technically it was not an embassy, just a house with an American in it who officially represented the U.S. -C.Y.A. always looks stupid in hindsight, remember that.) By saying the closest help was 20-24 hours away what you are saying is that you had no viable plan for saving these people who you knew were in harm’s way. This is disgraceful and unacceptable. What was so important in Benghazi that it was worth the lives of four Americans?

7. “What does it matter?”
When people are dead it always matters. It matters to loved ones, and to the people who are under you who want to be assured, as they continue their employment, that they do not become one of the dead. When dealing with death it always matters. This is why we do autopsies. This is why we have hospital ethics committees. This is why we investigate when a body is found. We want to make sure that whatever happened will never happen to another person again. And if your job is to protect these people, and the system you set up failed, you need to know why, and you need to fix it. It should be your top priority, so it never, ever happens again.

8. A leader needs to communicate.
Even if you believe everything that can be done has been done, you need to communicate that to the people you are accountable to. They need to know the situation has been resolved, and that someone cares. Caring may seem like a little thing, but it shows the people who place their lives, and their loved ones’ lives, in your care that they can trust you. People who care understand a families’ need for closure, and to know that their loved one did not die in vain. The people who continue under you need to know that everything will be done so that this never happens again.

So how can we apply this to our own lives?

1. We watch our words. While we try to avoid all lies, we realize that lies that shift the blame to others are especially heinous.

2. We take responsibility for our actions. When we realize a mistake has been made, we fix it. This is especially important in jobs where people’s lives depend on you. In healthcare, if a mistake is left uncorrected a person may die. As an electrician, a house may catch fire etc, etc. You never, ever ignore problems like this and hope no one notices.

3. You do everything you can to ensure the safety of those who depend on you. If your child claims they are being mistreated, you investigate. You do not leave them at the mercy of a bully, or a pedophile etc because it is an inconvenience. And you trust the child to know when he does not feel safe.

4. If you know the situation is not safe, you do not leave someone there. You do not leave a child in a daycare you do not trust. You do not leave your dog outside without water in 100 degree weather. You do not leave a baby unattended by the stairs and hope nothing will happen. You do everything in your power to ensure the safety of those who rely on you.

5. When there is a problem, you get help. You do not refrain from calling 9-1-1 because you might be embarrassed. You do not refrain from seeking medical help because you are afraid of the outcome, or that the doctor might think you are a bad parent. You get help because help is needed and you care more about the lives of the people who rely on you than you do about your feelings and reputation.

6. You plan for the future, even the ones you do not want to face. You buy smoke detectors and practice safety drills. You have flashlights, batteries and back-up power for when the electricity goes out. You purchase jumper cables and have insurance. Why? Because even though all of these things are a waste of money if nothing ever happens, they will be invaluable if something does, and as responsible people, we plan for these events.

7. You examine the things that go wrong in life, and try to keep them from happening again. If you lose a job, you try to ensure your next job will be more secure, either with a better company, or by obtaining more skills (or by not doing the foolish thing that caused you to be fired…). If someone gets hurt, you fix the step, melt the ice, etc. You do not allow others to suffer the same injury if possible.

8. You let people know you care. You show them the fix, comfort them during their time of loss or convalescence etc. Doctors are told that most lawsuits do not begin when a person is hurt, but when a hurt person perceives that no one cares. This applies to teachers, mechanics, waiters etc. Mistakes will be made, but if the person knows you care they can trust that you will do your best to make things right and that is all most people are asking for.

These are just rules of basic living. I think that’s why this scandal, more than any of the others I have lived through, bothers me so much. The other scandals were mainly stupid and involved being incredibly short-sighted (too short-sighted to be in the positions they were in), but this one, this one violates so many principles a decent person should have internalized by just being alive, by just being a parent, by just living in this world, that it causes me to question deeply just how morally bereft our society is, especially when many people have a hard time seeing why this was so wrong…

Let me summarize, in case you missed it:
Our government put our representatives into a situation where we knew there would be people who would want to kill them. They did not provide them with even the minimal security an embassy should have, but instead called it by a different name so they would be exempt from the need to protect them. They then had no plan to help should trouble come. (Or, would not allow that plan to be implemented.) They then stopped the people who were willing to go to help from doing so. Then they lied and told us about a ‘spontaneous protest’ and a video. If we find out this was all to ensure someone got re-elected, it just gets so much worse… How do you not see something wrong?

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Life

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