Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…

Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

O.K. Men- It’s Time To ‘Man Up!’

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I just read an article that has me fuming. Why? Because it is all too common. So common in fact that the writer of the article, a woman, did not see a problem with it. (And this was a secular, typically feminist, magazine!) Here’s the quote: “Given the surprise nature of the date, she didn’t know to arrange a babysitter and, besides, they had Mass and Mother’s Day brunch the next morning.”

What?!?!?! Did this guy not know he had children? Did he miss the fact they were too young to stay home alone? So he arranges a nice date in a fancy hotel and they have to leave without spending the night. Classy. But the article paints him as the king of romance. I think not!

Unfortunately this is not an isolated incident. Too often I hear young mothers complain that they can’t go out because their husband cannot handle the responsibility of taking care of their own children. Or there is just too much mess to clean up when she comes home. Or there is too much prep to do before she leaves because her husband does not cook, or microwave, or even know how to order a pizza. Men, this is ridiculous. If you want to bless your wife, or even keep her sane, she needs to be able to take some time to relax and recharge without feeling like she is being punished for it.

Here are some thoughts for when the wife is away:

Take the children somewhere, anywhere. This keeps the mess in the house to a minimum and makes you look like a hero. Some suggestions are movies, museums, duck ponds and anything that has the word ‘play land’ in it.

Plan to go out to eat. This too cuts down on the mess. If you must eat at home frozen pizza is easy and the instructions are right on the package- just don’t forget to set the timer. Some varieties even have a vegetable or two on them (which your children will probable pick off, but at least you tried).

Remember, you cannot take your eyes off of young children! They seem to have a type of radar that knows when the adult is not looking. This is when the messes are made, and the things that necessitate an ER visit are done. Realize that this will not be a night where you kick back and watch TV or play a video game. Children are hard work that is why your wife is not as spunky as she used to be. But… If you give her enough opportunities to rest and relax she will have some more of that pre-kid spark back!

Practice makes perfect. The more time you spend alone with your children, the better it will be. And the advantage to all of this is that your children will see you as a competent human being, and not the person who cannot even figure out how to boil water for the mac and cheese. Trust me, this helps with your relationship with them. Just remember, the worst thing you can do to your wife is to trash the house while she is gone. Make sure the children are mobilized to clean (which may mean down for a nap, or happy in a swing) at least an hour before she gets home. (Take into consideration the time- too long before she gets home and you’ll just have to re-do it.) If you do fail, apologize and help her when she gets home. Don’t act as if you are now off-duty and any mess that was made is now hers to deal with!

I hope this helps. Motherhood is a tough job. If your wife does not take some down time she will not be as good at it. Make sure it happens in a way she can actually appreciate. Thanks guys, I know you’ll do well. (Subtle positive reinforcement here- not my typical sarcastic style- so enjoy- I really, really wanted to call certain people schmucks, but refrained. See how good I’ve gotten!)

Now if you are already doing this- check with your wife and see if she thinks you are doing this. I once took a karate class with what I thought, from their reports, were some of the best dads around. Then I found out they were the same husbands the wives complained about during the kids’ class at night! The biggest complaint: The husband, trying to be a ‘good guy’ would attempt to tackle a large, usually unnecessary, job, like cleaning the laundry room while the wife was away. He would ignore everything else and the laundry room would be spotless. (Not that anyone checks out how clean someone’s laundry room is when they visit. At least not anyone sane.) The problem: While he was cleaning the laundry room, the kids were destroying the rest of the house, so the wife came home to a very clean laundry room, a husband who expected praise, and more housework than she could ever imagine! Are you seeing the problem?

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Marriage

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Paying For Sex

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I just read a social media post that looked like a list of New Year’s resolutions (It is that time of year after all.) and on it was ‘stop paying for sex.’ Now I do not know this young man well, but from what I do know I have reason to doubt he is speaking about prostitution. (Or maybe I am being naive, I can be you know.) Which led me to think, ‘What would make a married man feel like he must ‘pay’ for sex with his wife?’

And I began to think of all of the passive-aggressive relationships I have witnessed. And thought, ‘This really could happen.’

While it is true that women tend not to be all that receptive when there are unresolved issues in a marriage, and it is equally true that women tend to be more receptive when their husbands do little things, like helping with a chore that is typically done by her, that show that he loves her, there are times when it becomes more than this. When a spouse becomes petulant when they do not get their way, and only does what the other one wants if the other one caters to their every whim and desire. There are times when human beings slip into very controlling behaviors without noticing it.

And this should not be. Marriage should be about agape love. A love that is there whether, or not, things go exactly as we wanted them to. A love that allows the little things to slide.

So how do we know if we have jumped over to the ugly other side?

There’s likely no way to know other than an honest talk with your spouse.

But don’t have that talk unless you are willing to hear some truth and change. Every marriage needs tweaking. It is good to discuss things that are not quite right. But only if the aim is to fix them.

If you are not ready to hear an honest assessment of how your spouse views life, then don’t go there until you have worked on your own issues surrounding why you can’t handle hearing that maybe you need to change too.

Marriages work when two people honestly communicate about everything. They are less fulfilling when one must tip-toe around telling the other something for fear they will blow up and life will become worse.

So have the conversation. Be willing to compromise and make changes, and for heavens sake, protect the marriage bed! No one should be made to feel like he needs to ‘pay’ before going to bed with his own wife.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Marriage

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Keeping Your Marriage Hot!


There have been more than a few people on Twitter asking how to keep marriage ‘hot’ after children, so I figured I’d share a few things we’ve learned along the way. If you don’t like TMI, I’d stop here. Otherwise, I hope you find something here you can enjoy!

1. Date Night.
Romance starts with the relationship. In order to keep the romance alive, you need to take time to be together and talk. Set aside one night a week to go out. Go someplace you can talk. No chores. No movies. Go someplace you can connect and be romantic. Without trust and a feeling of connectedness, sex, at least for most women, is not nearly as good. So men, talk to her, hold her and make her feel loved. And don’t do stupid things that put her on edge and make her feel like she cannot trust you. (Like what she considers reckless driving, reckless spending etc.) She needs to feel she can trust you before she can fully enjoy you!

2. Sexy underwear.
Wives, invest in nice underwear. If you buy things that must be put on before bed you will rarely wear them. Instead pick things you can wear under your clothes comfortably so you are ready for the night. Sexy underwear also keeps your mind on the fact that there is something to look forward to later tonight. You’d be surprised how much you can wear all day- just don’t go to the gym in it…

3. Share your fantasies.
Talk about what you might like to do. While some of them may be out of the question, they can be modified. Make an effort to try new things. Make it part of your ‘to do’ list. Get creative. Nothing kills romance faster than routine. Don’t get stuck in a rut.

4. Make sure she has ‘fun’ too.
As a couple we read an article that stated that most sex ends when the husband is done. The woman reaches her end only about half of the time at best. And, it usually takes a woman at least 45 minutes to ‘get there,’ on average. My husband took this to heart, and saw it as unfair, especially since a woman’s body can ‘have fun’ more than once. Making the encounter incredibly ‘fun’ for the woman most of the time increases the woman’s interest in doing it more often.

5. You don’t have to get to the end.
You’re married. Sex does not have to end, you will see this person again, hopefully soon. If you only have a few minutes here and there during the day take advantage of them. It keeps you interested, it is pleasant, and an unexpected side effect is that, if the process is drawn out over, let’s say weeks, the male experience is very much increased. So increased that he may begin to want to wait, and just ‘play.’ This is not withholding sex. This is week-long foreplay. There is a difference. (And when children crawl into your bed, sometimes it’s the best you can do!)

6. Get a hotel room.
Get a babysitter and take time for each other. You don’t have to stay all night.

7. Be honest with each other.
Tell each other what you like and what doesn’t quite do it for you. You don’t have enough time to waste on things that aren’t ‘effective.’ Be honest, and don’t be offended. Your goal is to please the other. Talk honestly and get good at it! And whatever you do, do not play games! Say what you mean, all the time in everything. And don’t expect your spouse to take a hint. If you are in the mood, be direct. It’s okay if they say ‘not now please,’ but sometimes you miss your chance because both of you thought the other person wasn’t ready. It’s actually very freeing once you get used to it. Be honest about everything else as well. Emotional guessing games where someone ‘should have known’ damage a relationship, and make you less eager to be with one another.

8. Take turns.
Occasionally it’s nice to have a time when the focus is entirely on one person. Just make sure it’s done fairly.

9. Use everyday necessities to excite each other.
Shower together occasionally. Let him watch you change, especially if you are putting on the ‘nice’ underwear. Touch each other. Hold hands. Rub shoulders. Do chores together and play. And, if possible, take advantage of ‘nap time’ to take a ‘nap’ yourselves. (Yes, that is a euphemism!)

10. Have fun.
Make sure you are having fun. Play with the children together. Joke, laugh, watch movies. Give up your solo time and learn to enjoy life together.

11. Don’t forget to do the little things.
Buy her flowers. Make his favorite meal. Do what you did while you were dating that told the other person they are ‘special.’ Don’t get so caught up in the children that what they want trumps everything else, so you are no longer doing things for your spouse. The children learn to honor their parents by how you treat each other, so set the example well. (My 16 year old son just took out the glass wear and dishes we almost never use and washed them thoroughly for me, just to bless me. He saw a need, and acted on it. Guess where he learned to do things like that from… Who doesn’t want a guy like him as their daughter’s husband?!)

12. Keep life simple.
Don’t let ‘busyness’ take away your fun. And, don’t let emotional people (typically extended family members) hijack your emotional wellbeing. Set boundaries and make sure you are fully there for each other. Life is too short to be wrapped up in drama, and one missed sport season is not going to destroy your child’s life. Plus more time with the family may help ensure your children actually have a relationship with their parents.

13. Make sure the other person is well rested.
Take time to nap, or let your spouse nap. Tired people are rarely romantic.

14. Sneak away.
If there are children in your room, find another ‘appropriate’ place to play. Guest rooms are great, but not everyone has one. Get creative. Just because the child is asleep in your bed does not mean you are trapped there!

15. Remember you are sexy.
Keep your self-esteem up. You are the only person your spouse has. Women, if you have gained weight, enjoy your curves. Men, most women care about how you treat them (i.e. How much you listen to them, and how much you notice things about them.) more than what you look like. So be sexy by paying attention to her! (Have you noticed that a woman’s most common complaint is that you don’t listen?) Learn what she like, dislikes, how she does things etc. One of the most endearing things my husband said to me recently was, ‘I didn’t know you don’t use conditioner every day.’ It means he’s still paying attention, and that is good.

I hope this helps. Just know that at 43 year old, seven kids, and 19 years of marriage, married life can still be very good. Very, very good in fact… So Enjoy!

*Warning: Getting good at these activities can result in very large families.

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Marriage

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Fight Fair

Let’s not be naive, when any two people are in any type of relationship, especially marriage there are going to be rough spots. The key to getting through these rough spots is to do things as right as we possibly can, even when there are strong emotions involved. This is why Joshua 22 is one of my favorite passages in scripture. It is one of the few times Israel does anything right.

So what happens in Joshua 22?

First the people who live on the other side of the Jordan River (outside of the main part of Israel) build an altar. They got scared and worried that, because they were across the Jordan, future generations would not remember that their children were a part of Israel. So they built an altar. It was a Jewish altar, one any Jew would recognize. They meant for it to just be a memorial, a reminder that they were Jewish too. They never intended to sacrifice on it, but it did look like an altar that people would sacrifice things on…

Now the problem is God just told them not to make sacrifices at any altar other than the altar at the Temple. To the Jews on the opposite side of the Jordan River it looked like their relatives were trying to do something seriously wrong that would cause Israel as a whole to be punished by God. They were mad, but they checked their anger and appointed men to go over and ASK what the people involved what was going on, and OFFER to help them. Their offer was to allow them to live on the other side of the Jordan River with them if being across the river was going to lead them to sin.

So, we have an extremely mad group of people, ready to kill their relatives going over and ASKING why they were doing something that looked so bad, and OFFERING to help them if they needed help avoiding sin.
So what would this look like in real life? It would mean that when you discover something that looks incredibly bad you calm down, talk and actually listen to what the other person says. You also realize that sometimes sin comes as a result of unmet needs. This does not excuse the sin, it merely means that there are ways that you can help fill the voids that often tempt people to sin. Each person is different, so you must listen if you are going to help someone. Some people need accountability. Others need support and reassurance that they are loved. I’d love to give you the recipe for helping everyone with every type of sin, but there is none. Listen, and see if you can help. Some people are determined to sin, and that is different. But for many, the temptation comes along with a lot of other baggage. See if you can help ‘unpack’ some of those bags and make life easier on them.

Now remember in Joshua 22 the people had done nothing wrong. It only looked that way. They are being accused of something they had no intention of doing. Often when people are falsely accused they become upset. These men did not. They became humble. They EXPLAINED what they were doing and why. This is important. When you are accused of having motives that you did not have for doing something, do not fly off the handle and let your pride get in the way. EXPLAIN what you were thinking and why you were doing whatever you did. There is no guarantee the other person will listen, but it is the best thing to do.

Now remarkably the other people did LISTEN. (This is often not the case, and is why counseling is so important since counselors, for the most part, make you listen.) They understood what the people were doing and decided it was okay. Now this is also remarkable. Usually when we have decided that someone is wrong we do not want to change our opinion so we ‘nitpick’ and find reasons why it really was wrong even though it was not what we thought it was. Don’t do this. Be prepared to re-evaluate the situation and change your mind. Do not let your pride force you into being so stubborn that you cannot admit you might have made a false assumption. This is stupid and does not help the relationship. Now the Israelites on the opposite side of the river did have things they could nitpick. They could have said that the altar, being an altar, would be a temptation to them or to later generations since it obviously looked like something one should sacrifice on. But they didn’t. They accepted the explanation and went home. They did NOT NITPICK and neither should you. If small changes need to be made give the person some time. They have likely just realized that what they are doing could give someone a false impression and they are hurt that you would think they would be capable of doing wrong. Don’t make it worse by shoving minutia (stupid little things) down their throats.
The people who made the altar also did something right. They did NOT GET OFFENDED that they were falsely accused. This is tough. We want everyone to think well of us and it hurts when we realize that someone, especially someone close to us who is supposed to know us, could believe that we would do such a thing. But they didn’t get offended, and this is good.

The people who accused them then went back to their side of the river and told the other people who knew about the altar what was actually going on. They CLEARED UP ANY MISCONCEPTIONS anyone who knew about the situation might have. This is important. We do not leave people thinking that something bad has been done when it was not, especially if we were the source of the erroneous information. One of my former pastors, when counseling would make the person who had made false accusations make a list of whom they had discussed the matter with and made them promise to clear things up with them as well. This not only kept false information from spreading, but once it was known that he did this, it kept people from ranting to whomever was listening. It is not that you cannot talk to others about your problems, but there is a difference between seeking ‘wise counsel’ and letting everyone know you were wronged. A person seeking wise counsel will have a short list of people to inform when they realize they were wrong. A person who ranted immaturely to everyone they knew will have a lot of explaining to do…

So this is how a ‘good fight’ goes:

1. ASK CALMLY. No matter what it looks like, there may be a better explanation than the one you are thinking of. (Or maybe not, but at least you will know.)

2. BE WILLING TO HELP. Often sin does not occur just because the person is evil. (Occasionally it does.) Sin is sometimes a cry for help. Be open to the possibility that the person may need help refraining from sin, and that there are issues that you may be able to help solve.

3. EXPLAIN. When you are accused, or even when you are accusing, make sure you explain why you did or said whatever it was. Explain calmly and well. You may even have to explain more than once because people who are upset do not tend to listen as well. Be mature and try to master your emotions so that the conversation may be fruitful.

4. LISTEN. You cannot resolve anything if you are the only one doing the talking. Too often in an argument people think about what they are going to say next while the other person is talking rather than actually listening. Listen! If you want to save this relationship (and relationships are so important to God that you should) then you need to listen and hear what they other person is trying to say.

5. DO NOT NITPICK. Nitpicking usually occurs when we do not want to admit we were wrong to get mad. The problem is really that in our minds we tried and convicted the person before we even listened to what they had to say and we do not want to admit that we have made a mistake. Keep yourself open to the possibility that you might be wrong, and do not look for little excuses to ‘prove your point.’ It takes maturity to look at the facts and change your opinion. Be mature.

6. DO NOT GET OFFENDED. When someone accuses you it is easy to get offended. Don’t. Everyone makes mistakes, let this be theirs and let it go. Getting offended does not solve anything, and it makes it less likely that other person will talk to you about things in the future since they ‘do not want to offend you.’ Easily offended people rarely have close friends. Relationships involve getting through missteps until we more fully understand one another. You cannot do this without ever going through some misunderstandings. Accept that misunderstandings will happen, explain and move on.

7. CLEAR UP MISCONCEPTIONS. Typically arguments and misconceptions do not happen in isolation. When you realize that you have made something look like something it was not and have told people about it, clear it up. If you do not it will typically come around to bite you someday in the future. Remember, a person who thinks your spouse is awful will likely not vote for you for elder, or sign your adoption reference, or help you obtain a gun permit. Additionally, if they find out the true story on their own and think you have lied about another, they will not think much of you. There is also the other person’s reputation to think about. Clear things up as soon as possible, and when you think you are wounded try not to tell the entire world.

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Life, Marriage

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How To Find A Godly Wife

What is often missed while discussing Proverbs 31 is that this is not for women! It is actually a list of instructions that a godly mother gave to her son (King Lemuel) on how to find an awesome wife. So while even I go over this list and preach it to women (mainly because it has been stressing them out for years) I will now condense it and share it with you!

Here’s what God’s Word says you should look for in a wife: (after ‘mom’ here reminds you (her son) not to go after loose women, not to be a drunkard, and to stick up for those who are being mistreated… Apparently you do not deserve a ‘good’ woman if you cannot handle this!)

1. First we are reminded that a godly wife (one who has noble character- notice it does not say ‘one who is ‘hot’!) is worth more than riches (rubies).

2. She should be a person who you have full confidence in. This is a woman who can handle things while you are away, with ease.

3. She does not play games. She does you ‘good’ all of the time. Pouty, passive-aggressive, drama queens need not apply.

4. She works hard and is not afraid of manual labor. This wife does not care if she ‘breaks a nail.’ She can go to the store, buy what she needs and get the job done. (Here she is working with wool, presumably to make clothes, and flax, presumably to grind for flour and bake.)

5. She looks for the best deal. Like a merchant she does not waste money. She is not afraid to search out the best in both quality and price.

6. She wakes up early and takes care of those who are under her authority. Here she makes sure her servants and her family are fed. This is a woman who will have the children’s lunches made and everything they need in their backpacks before the bus gets to the door. Notice that she has servants though. This does not mean that she does everything herself, just that she is conscientious enough to make sure everything gets done.

7. She can buy a field with her own money and manage it herself. Now remember, this is a wife fit for a king, who will have lots of money, so she must be capable of handling this lifestyle. Think about the lifestyle your future wife will live and make sure she is capable of doing so. If you plan to be poor, make sure your wife can handle cutting coupons and living without the ‘luxuries’ many enjoy. What this implies though, is that the ‘projects’ she starts, she takes care of, and her husband is not burdened by them. Instead the things she does bless the family.

8. Her ‘arms’ are strong. She is not a wilting flower who needs help with everything. She is used to doing her fair share of the work, and works hard doing so. Remember, most of the wives God picked for men in scripture were hard workers, usually shepherdesses, before they were married. (Rebekah watered a huge amount of camels, and Ruth worked to feed herself and Naomi.) They were not sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to come and take care of them. That was Disney, not the Bible.

9. She makes sure the things she does are profitable. Her hobbies do not drain the bank account, but benefit the home.

10. She does not allow her lamp to go out at night. Today this means that she does not forget to do the things she is responsible for. She remembers to turn the curling iron off, makes sure the garbage is taken out and does not miss appointments. She takes care of the little details.

11. Even though this woman is rich, she knows how to do menial tasks and does not mind doing them. Using a spindle was rough, tedious work, but this woman was capable of doing this if necessary. (Though being wealthy she probably did not do so often. There were servants available. But, if the kingdom toppled, and their fortunes changed, she would not abandon her husband and would be able to do these things for her family.)

12. She is generous to the poor and needy. She does not say ‘Ew’ when walking by the homeless, and does not put less fortunate people down.

13. She is prepared. Here her family is clothed when winter comes. She is not running around trying to buy boots and coats when it snows as if she was ‘surprised’ that the seasons changed.

14. She takes care of her home and decorates it well. Remember, she is going to be a queen. Her home needs to look nice. If you are going to live on a farm, she needs to not be so extravagant that it gets in the way of work, wastes money and/or makes the neighbors feel uncomfortable visiting. Be honest about the type of lifestyle she needs to fit into, and make sure that she can live like this.

15. She is the type of woman who causes others to look at her husband with respect. This means that she is not the type of woman who puts her husband down. Avoid girls who ‘male-bash.’ It also means that she behaves in such a way that she is an ‘asset.’ No one is thinking, ‘Man, I’m glad I’m not the one married to her,’ after they meet her. She behaves in such a way that people think you are lucky to have her and respect you for making such a good choice and being a man she would say ‘yes’ to marrying. She is not an attention seeking flirt.

16. She is self-confident. She has strength and dignity. This is a woman men would be afraid of disrespecting just by the way she holds herself. She knows she does ‘good’ and does not need to worry about the little things in life.

17. She is wise, and instructs others. She does not pretend to be ‘stupid,’ and is has knowledge that she can share appropriately (not looking down on people).

18. Her future children and husband will call her ‘blessed.’ She is not the type of person people look down on, but one to be praised. Because she is godly, she will be a blessing, not a burden, to her family.

19. When you meet this woman, you will believe that she is the most wonderful woman in the world. Why? Because she ‘fits’ you. She has the qualities that will make her the best wife you could ever have. Every man has slightly different needs, so every woman has the potential to be this wife. You cannot see anyone being better for you than the woman you have picked.

20. Do not worry about her looks. Beauty fades. Do not be taken in by complements and flattery; they go away. What you want is a godly woman. This is the type of woman you will be able to praise for the rest of your life!

Proverbs 31 ends with a reminder to the son to give this woman the rewards her hard work has earned her and give her credit for what she has done so that even the respected men (the ones who decide cases in the city gates) will praise her. Wives do not work without reward, and husbands who take all of the credit, when she has done much of the work are despicable. (This is a problem in the church where the pastor’s wife is often considered an ‘accessory’ who comes with the pastor and provides free labor.) If you want a ‘godly’ wife then you must be willing to let her have what she has earned and give her the credit she deserves. If not, there are plenty of ungodly ones out there, who will treat you just as poorly in return….

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Marriage

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What Your Actions Say About How You Truly View Your Wife (A Quiz)

Okay, this is a quiz for the guys. We talk a lot about loving our spouse sexually, from the altar even lately, but how about on a practical level? (Sex is easy; respect is what’s tough!) Here are a few complaints I keep hearing from women no matter which side of the theological fence they say they reside. I devised a quiz based on the most prominent complaints I am privileged to hear to make this easy. Let’s see how you do. And remember, it’s not about a fair and equitable splitting of the household chores; it’s about love. If you respect what she does for you, show it through your actions!

So, 5= 100%, 4= 75%, 3=50%, 2=25% and 1=closer to never (0%) (For questions that do not apply because you, the husband, do the task, not her, give yourself a 5!)

1. How much of your laundry actually makes it into the hamper?

2. How often do you leave cups and/or dishes around the house instead of walking them to the sink, or better, putting them in the dishwasher? (If you have agreed that each person will clean up after themself, grade yourself on how often you clean yours, or leave it for her.)

3. How often are your socks left on the floor?

4. How often do you put your shoes away?

5. How often do you ‘fix’ things, then leave her the dust and other mess for her to clean up?

6. When a package arrives at the house, how often do you throw all of the packing materials away and put the scissors etc back in their proper place? (Their actual proper place, not piled somewhere to take care of later.)

7. When her friends come over, do you offer to clear the table and do the dishes so she can talk and relax?

8. When she is sick, how much of the cooking, cleaning and child-care do you take over doing?

9. Are spaces that are clearly ‘yours’ (a desk, hobby area etc) that are in plain sight, kept as well organized as the rest of the house, or does she occasionally have to ‘tidy’ your stuff too? (The garage or places where the door is usually shut- and you usually shut it- do not count. If you leave the door open, and it is a mess, then score yourself appropriately.)

10. Do you tell her when you finished the last of something so that she can remember to pick it up at the store? (Or do you leave it as a ‘surprise’ for her to discover when she gets back from shopping with your toddlers, and realizes she really doesn’t have everything she needs…)

11. When you take stuff out, do you put it back where it goes?

12. How long do the chores that are ‘yours’ go undone? (Putting out the garbage, mowing, doing dishes, fixing the sink etc. Don’t make her nag, or live ‘making do’ until you get around to it. Chances are, she doesn’t do that to you.)

Grade yourself:
All 5s= Very Good. Now go ask your wife if she agrees. There may be some things that are very important to her that you don’t do, that I left off the list. Allow this to be a ‘safe’ time for her to let you know what you can do to make her life run more smoothly.
Mainly 4= Still okay. No one’s perfect. Talk to your wife about how important the things you do not do are to her, and work to improve the things she cares about first.
Almost all 3s= Well, you’re ‘average.’ Is that really good enough for you? Was your goal to treat your wife ‘so-so’? Really? Go watch the movie Courageous and try to improve.
Mostly 2s= Well at least you have proved you can do some things occasionally. But we both know that’s really not enough. It’s almost better if you let her think you were a total moron who just could not figure any of this out by himself… At 25% you occasionally got her hopes up, and then failed. Ouch!
Almost all 1s= That’s right, you’re a toddler. Mommy still needs to pick up after you and clean up all of your messes. You will make your children clean their rooms and pick up their toys when they are old enough, but never see how these rules apply to you. Just remember, ‘Mommy’s’ don’t have amorous thoughts about the children they take care of. If you want your wife to treat you like a man, act like one and take care of the little things when you can.

Remember, like it or not, many of the women who come over will judge your wife based on how her house looks. Totally unfair, but true. And being a ‘good, Christian woman’ your wife is not allowed to use ‘that kind of language’ to tell these women off, so she is stuck. And few of these women ‘oh-so-nice’ ladies will be discussing your wife’s ‘short-comings’ at church (In short, ‘Christian appropriate’ comments, of course). While the women are mean, and there is no excuse for them, knowing that they are there and that you have left your wife open to their barbs is also cruel. Remember that.

Further, by leaving messes for your wife to clean up you are forcing her to treat you like a toddler. You expect your three-year-old to start to help cleaning up his toys, but not his father!?!?! This makes no sense, and sends and sets an awful example for your children (Why do you think you have a hard time getting them to clean up? They are just trying to be like Dad!). It also does not leave your woman thinking amorous thoughts about you all day. Think about what would be going through your mind if you were the one cleaning yet another unnecessary mess left by her while she was away. Yeah, it’s not the best…

Women, feel free to add a category in the comments if I missed anything. And men- It’s time for us to see your list! Blog it, and feel free to link to it in your comments to me.

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It Is Not Women Who Can’t Have It All, It’s Parents Who Can’t Have It All

In reading some of the latest articles about women in the workplace I realized there is still a double standard that is somewhat being ignored. When the children need something, in many homes, it is the mother who must figure out how to provide. Sure, many fathers do some things- but usually only when they have free time. It is the mothers who are called to sacrifice. (Some Dads are different, and I give them kudos, but they are still not the norm.) For a father, career comes first. If it interferes with his career, then it is not negotiable.

Now someone has to take care of the kids. Scripturally they are to be our first priority, and even if you do not believe in scripture, you probably agree that they need some taking care of. The problem is: Who is going to do the work?
Do both spouses make sacrifices in their careers so that their children succeed, but neither spouse gets as far ahead as they would like? Does a nanny raise them? Does one spouse decide that a high-powered successful career is just not going to be the plan for their life, and stay home? (This is what I did. There are regrets. Don’t believe the moms who say they wouldn’t change it for the world, and you will feel the same if you do. Many are lost when their kids leave, and now need to find where they fit in the world 20 years later, and working under a 20 something manager who has the common sense of a flea is not it.)

So what can we do? Two parents with successful careers often leave little time for anything else. Something must give if the children are to succeed as well.

It probably begins with the first date. If you are a woman, and you want to be more than a ‘mom’ then you need to marry a man who will bend. When his job requires him to be out of town frequently, so there is no one but you home, what will he do? Will he leave you to handle it all without even a discussion, or will there be a serious conversation about how this change affects both of your lives?

Being a stay-at-home mom is a great option for your husband and kids, but can you do it? Some of us need more. If you live in a world with little adult contact and nothing to challenge you (other than how to get the latest object out of the toilet this time), will go you nuts? Add to that mothers’ groups that are organized by the person least fit to be an administrator, when you are equipped to be a CEO, and you have a recipe for disaster. (Killing her is not an option, and if you take over and run the group like a company the other mothers will hate you. This is a place where everyone is ‘nice’ to each other, so there is never any controversy or confrontation and it is wrong of you to think that either one of those things might be ‘healthy.’)

How did I do it? You’re not going to like my answer. It’s not the typical answer, and not for everyone. I adopted three older children with behavioral issues, while my children were 4, 3, 2 and newborn. It kept me busy. I had to keep one from blinding siblings by stabbing them in the eye, or kicking the baby for distance as she crawled. Another was desperately trying to get into the pants of the naïve church girls whose parents kept telling me I was over-reacting and that all of this was ‘innocent’ at his age. (Bull!) And the other was finding ways to steal and cheat in school that landed us a meeting with the principle where they admitted not knowing what to do with him because they have never had a child do these things so young. (I told you this was not the solution for most of you!)

Truth is, I don’t know how to do it. The children I adopted are now doing fairly well in the world, considering and have moved out of the house. (Something many children without their struggles have failed to do at their age… so kudos to them.) My younger children are also doing well. The oldest of them is starting college this fall, and the younger three are easy comparatively, so I am bored. My answer is to blog and write. Not at all what I am most skilled at, but it will do, and hopefully someone will benefit from it.

Your answer? I don’t know. This is something you and your husband will have to have long, serious conversations about. But you must be honest. If you love being at home and never want to ‘work’ a day in your life, kudos to you. But if monotony and housecleaning drive you absolutely out of your mind, then you and your spouse have some things to figure out. Just don’t be naïve. Kids take time, and need you to raise them well. Something has to give. When one spouse dumps it on the other in the final minutes of a catastrophe, that’s when marital strife, resentment and depression begin. You can’t do everything in life. But life is best when the decisions as to what to give up and how to manage things are made early, and together, so that neither person feels like everything is dumped on them.

Remember, ‘No taxation without representation’ was about the frustration of not having a say in your life; not about the money…

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How To Land A Good Christian Husband

Okay, I promised myself I was not going to rant about this, but it doesn’t look like I am going to keep that promise…

I am tired. Tired of hearing that in order to get a ‘good, Christian husband’ a woman needs to ‘take care of herself’ (meaning her appearance). She needs to be thin, wear make-up, do her hair and dress well. This is so not God’s list!

First, let’s look at a few of the ‘good Christian wives.’ (Ok, they were actually Jewish, but you get the point.

Jacob met Rachel by a well. She had been tending sheep all day. She had been tending stinky sheep in a hot desert area. Yeah, I’m sure she looked her best…
and probably smelled great…

Zipporah, Moses’ wife. When they first met she had been tending sheep as well. Stinky, furry sheep.

Rebekah. When Abraham’s servant came to the well, she had been tending … Do I hear a ‘baa?’ That’s right. This girl had been tending sheep! And, what God told the servant to look for was a girl that would water the camels- all of them. God wanted a hard-worker for Isaac. ‘Raving beauty that pampers herself’ was not on the list! (Though it does seem that being a shepherdess may be the best way to get a good man! –You never hear that preached.)

Ruth met Boaz while working in his field. She was living in a cave with her mother-in-law. Likely not the best place to get a mani-pedi. What attracted Boaz was that she took care of her mother-in-law and worked hard. (There’s that stinking good-work-ethic thing again!)

The woman in Song of Solomon apologizes because she has been working in the field and has not been able to tend to her own vineyard (take care of her appearance). Yet she becomes the king’s beloved!

Esther goes through a year’s worth of beauty treatments, true- but this is at the behest of a pagan king who kidnaps beautiful women for his harem. This is not God’s ‘perfect plan.’ This is a horny dude who is making sure his harem is not only beautiful, but also not pregnant with someone else’s kid and is disease-free. STDs will not be taking down this king, nor will someone else’s son be sitting on this king’s throne. So while they wait to be absolutely sure, the girls are made pretty and trained to please the king (sexually). (I have noticed the year of sex training is often left out when people preach that this is the way to do things. Not that it is an overly bad idea, but that is another rant for another time.) The point here is that this is not the godly way to do things- but it is used as an example to tell women to ‘pretty up,’ ‘cause Esther did. Esther was a ‘sex-slave.’ Is this really what we are aspiring to? And, the reason we are given for Esther’s remarkable rise to power is her attitude. She won favor with the king because she was smart enough to listen to the instructions that the harem master gave her. Her wisdom, not her beauty won her the crown.

The point: Even in Proverbs 31 there is more about being hard working, and of godly character than there is about looking good. Is it wrong to look good? No. Many godly women were blessed with beauty, but it is not the primary thing God says to look for in a spouse. Scripture tells us that beauty fades, but a wife of noble character is worth more than rubies (a fortune)!

So why does this upset me so much? Because I see wonderful, Christian girls trying to be ‘perfect’ and ‘beautiful’ in ways that are counter-productive. God’s plan for them did not involve a 25 inch waist and a C-cup. Does this mean they are not lovable? No! There are men who marry them who would die twice for them if possible. Why? Because they possess character traits that are so much more impressive. They know how to love deeply. They are faithful. They have a sense of humor that always lightens his day. Etc. etc.

There are also men who do not want porcelain dolls. They want a woman who will hike, camp and fish with them even when showers are not available. They want to make love in the middle of the day without worrying about messing up her hair and make-up. They want to wake up in the morning and go without waiting for someone to ‘put her face on.’ They want a companion. Not someone to look at, but someone to live life with, a life that does not involve making sure someone’s hair is just so, or no one chips a nail.

I have also seen men of awesome character when their wives are ill, burned hurt or scarred. They do not care if they have to forego sex, or if she will never be beautiful again. They care that she is still alive, and in their life. One of the most touching scenes was after a hideous car accident. The wife was scarred badly- and I mean badly. The husband, a Nascar fan, comes in and she shows him the damage. His response, ‘You know I always wanted a wife with racing stripes.’ Now there’s a man for you! He is not focused on his wife being ‘hot,’ but on her knowing that he will love her no matter what. (It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about them…)

So is it wrong to like to dress up and look good? No, not at all. And some men really want that in a wife. If your husband loves seeing you look your best, by all means dress up. Just don’t try to force the rest of us to do so.

Me. I live in the extreme. My husband is practical to a fault. Proof: the man asked me never to shave again. That’s right. He likes hairy legs! Why? Because stubble hurts and he wants to have pain-free sex whenever we want. (How’s that for TMI?) The irony- the women who preach ‘submission’ and ‘male-headship’ the strongest are the ones who hate this the most! Even though I am ‘obeying’ my husband! Why? Because it is typically not about actually obeying your husband, but about conforming to their rules. Conformity. It makes them comfortable. Truth: God made me so different in the way I process information and look at the world that I could never ‘fit in’ with these ladies anyways. Unfortunately many of us sit outside their tightly drawn lines. Thankfully there are men who are not looking for the ‘norm,’ but for the unique creation that fits them well enough to be called a ‘wife that surpasses them all’ (at least in his mind).

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Needing to be Everything…

I watched a rerun of the TV show Bones the other night. The lead male character was explaining why a teenaged boy who was headed to M.I.T. would all of a sudden drop everything and live homeless as a squatter in an abandoned factory. It was because he was trying to ‘save’ a girl. The female lead asked, ‘How do you know this?’ ‘Because I was a teenaged boy,’ was his reply.

This conversation tells us a lot about human nature. There is something in us that wants to be the savior of the world, but it is an immature something. It is a something that keeps us from getting help, or seeking advice. It is the something that needs to dominate and lord over another person. It is the something that makes us treat the person we are ‘saving’ as if they are nothing, and would have nothing if it were not for us. It is oppressive, not nurturing. It is not trying to help the person do better, confident that they can. It is thinking that they ‘need’ me, and always will. It may be ‘nice’ and involve sacrificing and doing much for another, but it is still looking at the other person as if they are somewhat helpless and cannot possibly survive without you. This may not be exactly what you think, but it is what your actions imply. It is the wrong way to help, or treat another human being.

The conversation also implied that this need to save was ‘immature,’ something boys grew out of as they became men, but how often do we see this attitude preached in the way a man is to be to his wife, forgetting that the Proverbs 31 woman worked and ran a vineyard? She did not need saving. If anything the verses imply that the man needs her. Through her competence she will cause him to be respected and make sure that his household does not suffer. How did this get turned around? She can buy things for herself, and take care of others. What she deserves from him is praise for doing so. She does not need a husband to ‘cover’ her. (He is not her husband yet, remember this is an instruction regarding what to look for in a wife.) Instead she needs a man who will appreciate her and everything she brings into the marriage.

We get into trouble when we try to ‘save’ people. We were not made to navigate this world alone, and we were certainly not made to handle everything for ourselves and another person without help. In Genesis we are told it is not good for man to be alone. Wait, on his own was not good, so what would make us think that him taking full responsibility for two was a good thing? (And I am sure God would have said the same thing about women who try to do it all themselves as well.) The woman is an ‘ezer,’ a help-mate, a strong person that has your back when things get rough. This is not doing it alone, and protecting her from anything that might come her way. This is her helping the man, her husband!

I almost titled this, ‘Needing to be Superman,’ but then I realized that Superman had it right. He did not need to do everything. He saved the person from danger, and then deposited them, and the bad guys in front of law enforcement and left. He knew that his job was to face the extreme and do what he was uniquely suited to do and that was it. Taking care of the person after this was someone else’s task. He was in partnership with the police, doing what they could not, but not doing it all himself. This is more maturity than I thought to find in the ‘Man of Steel.’ Kudos to the comic book artists that understood that even super-heroes did not need to be self-sufficient.

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Things We Did Wrong, And How We Could Have Done Better

Now, before I get started the things we did wrong also made us stronger and brought us closer together. While we could have avoided some of the tough times, it was working through the tough times that brought us close.

1. We did not set good boundaries with our extended family. When family came over our attitude was to live and let live. Everyone got the idea that they had a say in our lives. We became a punching bag (or it at least felt that way due to all of the helpful criticism) and when we tried to put a stop to it people were offended. A new marriage is a new thing. The Bible says that a man is to leave his mother and father and become one with his bride for a reason. Make sure that other people, even parents, aren’t allowed to have authority (or think they have authority) over your house. It is a tough transition to make, but politely telling your parents ‘thanks, but (insert spouse’s name) and I have decided to do it this way’ is a good thing to do.

2. We made a few unilateral decisions that would have been better made together. It is not that we would have necessarily decided to do anything differently in the end, but when the decision affects both people, it is easier to jump on board when you have been a part of the discussion rather than when you are feeling blind-sided by it.

3. We stayed in a church that was unhealthy for us a little too long. When your children are grown you have the energy to help a church through the rough times. When church problems directly affect you, and your children are young, your children need your energy more than the church does. Since church problems have a way of consuming our lives it is best to try, but know that if the problem is more than a bump in the road, it is not the right time of life for you to be tackling the issue. Because you have little extra time in your life, you will get cranky and blow things out of proportion and just make everything worse. There are times to step back and let others take the lead.

4. We got goats. Goats seemed like a good thing, but were actually a handful. Be wary when people are giving you things for free. Pets can be great, but make sure you know exactly what you are getting into. This goes for buying big toys like boats, RVs, pools, hot tubs and starting other hobbies. Some things require more work than you wanted to do for the amount of enjoyment you will get from them. Ask people who have been there, done that for advice.

5. We spent a lot of money on music lessons for children with no musical talents or interest. I love playing my saxophone, but my children don’t. It does not take long to see whether, or not, your child has a gift in this area. Don’t waste their time pursuing something they will never use as an adult. This goes for sports as well. It is okay to be fit and have fun, but competitive leagues are for those who enjoy it. Get to know your child and give them training in the areas God actually made them for.

6. Tim did all of the computer stuff for me. After we were at seven children (which happened quickly since we adopted a family group of older children when ours were pre-kindergarten) Tim took over the electronics. This left me frustrated, and feeling stupid when he was not home. This did not make for the best homecoming for the man who needed to fix this now. The electronic age is here and moms need to deal with it too. Everything that comes into the home must be learned by all adults present, especially if children will become upset when they have been promised something and the thing does not work…

I’m sure there is much, much more… but you get the idea.

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