Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…

My Rules…

June 1, 2012

I have a different way of looking at life. It works for us. It may work for you, or you may already be doing things this way… But it is not the norm.

1. I believe the ‘best’ I should look is in the bedroom for my husband. I have heard too many guys in the dojang complain that their wife dresses up for everyone but them, and by the time they get to bed she has no make-up on and stuff on her face they are afraid to kiss. I vowed never to be like this. Want to see me at my best, well that would be awkward!
2. I believe that my husband should have just as much of a say in how the house is set up and how the children are raised as I do. It is his house and they are his children too. I vowed never to act like I was the only one who knew anything about how a house is to be run and how children are to be raised. I married a good, intelligent man and vowed to treat him as he deserves by not disrespecting his wishes in these areas. I have seen too many men want to be a part of the household but give up because their wife corrects everything they do. Ironically, these men consider themselves to be the ‘head of the house!’ My husband can do laundry, load a dishwasher and feed a baby any way he wants. He can also do projects in the house, rather than the garage, put his feet on his furniture and stack things he is currently using where they are convenient for him. He lives here too.
3. I believe my children should do as much as they are capable of doing for themselves. Eventually my children will leave my house to establish their own homes. By the time they go they should be able to do their own laundry, cook, clean, handle money and take care of their car. By doing these things for them I am hindering their ability to handle the adult world. If these things are second nature then they will be able to get them done quickly in a way that won’t interfere with the other things they need to do in life.
4. We do not make young children tithe. Their money is family money and has already been tithed on, but more importantly they do not understand and are tempted to cheat, steal or become upset over their perception that their money was taken from them. Money that comes from outside the household is tithed on. When they are old enough to work for others (baby sitting, yard work etc), they are old enough to understand the concept of tithing and it is now that they can choose to do so. We teach about tithing and set a good example for them by giving our own tithes and offerings so my children have not had trouble with this. Arguments with a five year old over ‘their’ money are just not worth it. Tithing requires more maturity than a little one has. Heck, it is a tough concept for many adults!
5. We don’t do Santa Claus, the tooth fairy etc. When we first adopted our older children it was obvious they already knew and were testing us. We told the truth, and decided to give it up since we knew they would not respect our wishes and would tell our younger children anyways. This was the best decision we ever made concerning these holidays. Instead of the children thinking that some all-knowing being was going to bring them everything they ever wanted, our children knew that their fallible parents were buying the gifts. They did not get upset when everything they wanted was not under the tree and they were very appreciative since they knew we had done all of this for them. My older son recently came to me and said that, if his future wife agreed, he really did not want to do Santa Claus. Why? Because he wanted his children to know that he did this for them so they know how much he loves them. Yep. That’s what he got out of our doing it this way. Pretty cool, huh? (When the tooth fairy needs to come I actually ask my children if they want me to hand them the dollar, or try to sneak in and hide it for them. They almost always choose ‘hide it’ and even though they know, they have not caught me yet! By the way- if you do the tooth fairy thing and ‘forget,’ go into the room with a dollar hidden in your hand and ‘help’ them search. Chances are it just fell out from under the pillow onto the floor or something…)
6. Boys should learn about housework and cooking and girls should learn about cars and mowing grass etc. Why? Because even if they do end up in a more traditional marriage there will likely be a time when they are single, or a time when their spouse is not there to handle these things for them. It is also a blessing for a spouse to be able to ‘help’ when life gets busy, or they just want to bless the other person. It’s hard to have a ‘servant’s heart’ when you are incompetent when it comes to the type of ‘service’ that would help most.
7. I do not do anything I am paying someone else to do. If I am paying for chores to be done, the person getting paid should do them. Holding your children accountable teaches them to budget their time and get the things they need to do done. Too many parents have mercy in this area and their children are poor employees later. When they are older they will be responsible for all of the chores. Having them do one or two now is not unreasonable. (I consider the fact that a local pizza place calls our house when they need an employee to see if we have any more kids available to work a huge compliment.)
8. If you live in the house, you contribute to the house. No one who is able lives in the house without pitching in and helping with the work of the house. What you do is negotiable, but you will do something. Too many ‘adult’ kids sit on their parents’ couches, eat their parents’ food and use their parents’ hot water without working on getting any farther in life. This may be because it is too comfortable at home. If you are in an adult body, you can do adult work. I will not be working harder than you. (School and employment count in the total overall work the child is doing.) If the child has no job and is not going to any type of school then bonus, I have a live-in housekeeper! The Bible tells us that children are a blessing. I fail to see how someone whose only contribution is to sit on my couch, eat my food and use up my hot water is ‘blessing’ me!
9. A child is not an adult until they are fully supporting themselves. If we, as parents are paying for any part of your life then we have a say in your life. We want to know what we are investing in. So, if I am paying for college, I have a right to ask about grades etc. If you are living under my roof, I have a right to know where you are and what you are doing. This is not unreasonable. If I am paying, or in any way supporting something, there should be some accountability. I don’t care how ‘old’ you are, if you don’t like it, start supporting yourself- please!
10. I have boundaries, and if you cannot behave you can leave. I do not hang out with people who yell at me, start fights etc. I also will not make it easy on you to do the wrong thing. I do not help deadbeat dads be deadbeats, nor do I support abuse. If we need to move the girl and the children into our home to keep her safe we will (and have done so, more than once). And typically the girl is good company and helps with the housework, bonus for me!
11. We try to worry about what is right, and not what other people will think. Some days are better than others when raising children. If my child stole, we deal with it. We do not hide it so that we do not look bad.
12. Some battles are not worth fighting. When we first adopted children there were so many issues that we picked the top ones and worked on them, and only them (unless something became urgent and needed to be handled). This kept life manageable. There are ‘big’ issues that need to be dealt with now, and little things that should be dealt with, but can wait. Often, if you try to do it all, you end up focusing on the little things (they tend to be the annoying things) and you lose the big battles. For example: The child now knows not to sing at the top of their lungs in the house, but still steals everything that is not bolted down when you are out. Big things need to be dealt with first. We actually went on ‘practice’ shopping trips to learn how to behave. Since I had nothing I needed to buy, I could keep more of an eye on the children and focus on their behavior. Eventually we could all go shopping together without major issues arising. Even with children that do not have major issues, is it really so bad that she goes shopping in her princess dress? There will come a day when she does not want to wear it anymore, and at five it’s really cute. Too many little rules that do not make sense make for a very tense household. And heck, if she brings the wand she will be less likely to want to grab something off the shelf that she really, really wants and throw a fit since her hand is already occupied! (Or she may hit her brother with it…)

I hope this helps. Always remember, every family is unique. What works for me may not work for you. Talk to your spouse and modify things as necessary.

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Children

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Church is Like A DoJang

May 31, 2012

Growing up we moved around a lot and I went to a lot of different places to study the martial arts. Some were ‘just fine,’ average. They taught their style and that was it. Once in the dojang you were unaware that any other style of martial arts existed.
A few dojangs were exceptional. They interacted with other martial artists. We went to tournaments, demonstrations and seminars that were given by a wide variety of different martial arts styles. When we returned to our dojang we examined what we had learned. Some techniques were deemed ‘good’ and were added to our list of self-defense teachings. Other techniques were discarded. Some, when more thoroughly examined were found to have flaws in them that showed they only worked when your partner went along with it. Still others were ‘okay’ but did not fit in well with how we did things. We learned much in these schools.
Another group of dojangs not only isolated themselves, but felt the need to put down all of the other martial arts schools in the vicinity. In almost every class we heard why our school was better and why the teaching at the other schools stunk. How our instructor knew this, since we never interacted with the other schools, was beyond me, but most people bought it, felt proud, and repeated it to others.
Churches are like this too. Some churches keep to themselves. They are nice places to go, and everyone behaves pleasantly, but there is little interaction with the greater body of Christ.
Some churches however do more than keep to themselves. They put down the other churches. Sermons frequently mention some other church, or people group, with the intention of putting them down. The church, or people group has done nothing ‘new’ to deserve comment, and typically no one in the congregation was even tempted to join that group in doing whatever they are currently ‘bad’ for doing. For this reason the preacher gets a lot of ‘amens’ because no one is questioning anything he is saying. He is speaking on a topic no one in his congregation is confused about or needs clarification on. They already know how the church feels on this subject and agree. This is not Christ-like. This is puffing yourself up for no other reason than to make yourself feel good that you are not like them, the sinners.
Other churches do not mind interaction. They will encourage their members to go to concerts, seminars or other events in other churches because they are a good opportunity to learn, or worship. But, like the Bereans, they will also be open to honest discussions. Some are theological, but others are more mundane, like ‘Do you think we should have a coffee bar?’ Either way the church grows and functions more like the church that was described in the New Testament, giving hospitality to people who traveled far to share what they have learned and to learn from their church as well. It is this type of church that we should strive to be.

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Church Problems

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Things We Did Wrong, And How We Could Have Done Better

May 30, 2012

Now, before I get started the things we did wrong also made us stronger and brought us closer together. While we could have avoided some of the tough times, it was working through the tough times that brought us close.

1. We did not set good boundaries with our extended family. When family came over our attitude was to live and let live. Everyone got the idea that they had a say in our lives. We became a punching bag (or it at least felt that way due to all of the helpful criticism) and when we tried to put a stop to it people were offended. A new marriage is a new thing. The Bible says that a man is to leave his mother and father and become one with his bride for a reason. Make sure that other people, even parents, aren’t allowed to have authority (or think they have authority) over your house. It is a tough transition to make, but politely telling your parents ‘thanks, but (insert spouse’s name) and I have decided to do it this way’ is a good thing to do.

2. We made a few unilateral decisions that would have been better made together. It is not that we would have necessarily decided to do anything differently in the end, but when the decision affects both people, it is easier to jump on board when you have been a part of the discussion rather than when you are feeling blind-sided by it.

3. We stayed in a church that was unhealthy for us a little too long. When your children are grown you have the energy to help a church through the rough times. When church problems directly affect you, and your children are young, your children need your energy more than the church does. Since church problems have a way of consuming our lives it is best to try, but know that if the problem is more than a bump in the road, it is not the right time of life for you to be tackling the issue. Because you have little extra time in your life, you will get cranky and blow things out of proportion and just make everything worse. There are times to step back and let others take the lead.

4. We got goats. Goats seemed like a good thing, but were actually a handful. Be wary when people are giving you things for free. Pets can be great, but make sure you know exactly what you are getting into. This goes for buying big toys like boats, RVs, pools, hot tubs and starting other hobbies. Some things require more work than you wanted to do for the amount of enjoyment you will get from them. Ask people who have been there, done that for advice.

5. We spent a lot of money on music lessons for children with no musical talents or interest. I love playing my saxophone, but my children don’t. It does not take long to see whether, or not, your child has a gift in this area. Don’t waste their time pursuing something they will never use as an adult. This goes for sports as well. It is okay to be fit and have fun, but competitive leagues are for those who enjoy it. Get to know your child and give them training in the areas God actually made them for.

6. Tim did all of the computer stuff for me. After we were at seven children (which happened quickly since we adopted a family group of older children when ours were pre-kindergarten) Tim took over the electronics. This left me frustrated, and feeling stupid when he was not home. This did not make for the best homecoming for the man who needed to fix this now. The electronic age is here and moms need to deal with it too. Everything that comes into the home must be learned by all adults present, especially if children will become upset when they have been promised something and the thing does not work…

I’m sure there is much, much more… but you get the idea.

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Marriage

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So, How Did We Get to 40 Happily

May 27, 2012


  1. We worked hard. We worked in our jobs so that the pay became more than enough to live on. We worked on our marriage so that we understood each other well and we worked with our children so they behaved, because poorly behaved people are not enjoyable.
  2. We lived through things together. We did not split up the tasks into his and hers. Almost every decision was made after talking, and talking and talking. We are now a team, and can step into each other’s shoes when needed. If one of us goes somewhere, the other is not lost.
  3. We trained the kids to be adults. Adults need to know how to clean, cook and take care of their every need, so as soon as the children could, they were learning to do. The boy’s roof collapsed a few weeks ago thanks to high winds and heavy rain. I did nothing. Tim was at work, but my teen-aged boys took care of everything, and their sisters helped. Why? Because they saw a need and took care of it instinctively.
  4. We helped others in front of our children, and with our children whenever possible. They now help us, and others, because that is what they saw growing up. This isn’t volunteering at the food pantry. (Though there is nothing wrong with that, it’s not personal.) This is seeing a neighbor with a need and taking care of it. It’s not hard. Last week our neighbor was hit by a drunk driver so we lent her our car. Simple.
  5. We did what was right, even when people did not like it. We did not appease people and act like doormats. When we did give in to pressure, we explained why this was not a battle that needed to be fought at the moment. The children learned that love was not getting your own way, and that sometimes ‘no’ was reasonable. They also learned that people that cannot be told ‘no’ without getting upset are immature. This was easy to teach because they saw the fits people threw when they did not get their way. The people made themselves look bad, and my children learned that they did not want to be that way. If you never say ‘no’ you never have this experience and your children will not see what unreasonable people look like when they throw an adult-sized tantrum.This behavior also kept us from being constantly under the unreasonable expectations of the ‘adult-children’ in this world who like having everything their way.
  6. We had long night-time devotions. Our family talked, and talked. While the devotions began with scripture, they often veered off course, onto real life. This is okay. Since we home schooled, family talks that lasted past midnight were not a problem. We did not merely lecture, we all talked.
  7. I allowed my husband to be a part of the household. The house is messy and comfortable because that is the way he likes it. He may also do projects in the living room (even ones where saw dust abounds) because it is his home too. Of course he cleans up his own messes. If I were left in charge, the house would be spotless. Not because I like it that way, but because it would have gotten the cattier women off my back! He has kept me from the insanity of pleasing that group of people.
  8. My husband is an adult. He does not come home and do things that I would yell at the children for, like leave his socks on the floor, or ignore the messes he made. He respects me and my time by not contributing to the messes and then leaving the home.
  9. Both my husband and I speak highly of each other. Spouse bashing, especially husband bashing is a social norm. I am not sure people even notice they do it anymore. I did not realize how little we participate in this until my teen aged son experience his first ‘let’s put the men down’ session. He started defending himself and became a bit upset. Most guys are used to it, but should they be?
  10. We are not passive-aggressive. We confront things and talk boldly when needed. This takes a lot of trust. That is the beauty of being married for more than a year or two. But it comes from years of fighting well. If you fight well (fairly, not trying to ‘win,’ but actually trying to explain and understand) then you will grow. Unfair techniques like changing the past, making lists of every sin the person has ever committed, name calling and saying things you don’t mean only get you off topic and prolong the fight. Further they keep you from trusting each other. No one wants to feel like anything they do can be twisted and used against them whenever the other person gets a little cranky. Fight fair. You can show that you are upset, if you are, but talk only about the things that actually upset you, and be honest about it. No lying to make the other one feel better, or worse, and absolutely no silent treatment. That solves nothing. And listen. Actually try to understand what your spouse is saying. Even though you are the one upset, it is not all about you. The two of you are in this together. Listen to his side. It may help you realize that it was not what you thought it was, and now that he knows it upsets you he will never do it again. Many arguments last past the point of the guy saying this because guys don’t tend to elaborate under stress and the girl is not listening.
  11. We lived within our means (mostly). Many relationships are stressed because there are always financial pressures. Even with the best planning financial pressures come, but there are things you can do to make sure they do not come frequently. (Check out Dave Ramsey for excellent advice on this subject.) For us it once meant living in a mobile home park while Tim was a young doctor until we could afford the house we wanted. (Our neighbors loved talking about the ‘doctor’ who lived next door and watching people look totally confused.)

Now remember, this is a list of what we did right. Maybe next week I will compose a list of what we did wrong, and would have done better if we had realized this sooner… ‘Hope this helps!

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Marriage

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Why I Like Being Over 40

May 26, 2012

I came into our small group and sighed, ‘I am so glad I am over 40 right now.’ A male friend smiled and said, ‘You know I was just thinking the same thing today.’

So what makes ‘over 40’ so good? No toddlers, no relationship dramas, great sex and you’ve already seen so much bull that you can spot most of it a mile away. Your children are old enough to help, and hold an intelligent conversation. Your home routine (or lack thereof) is fairly well established, and no one expects you to be super-mom anymore. In fact, if you do sit on the ground with the kids people are asking if you need any help getting up! (Not that I do need the help, but its nice to know that if I don’t feel like getting back to my feet there’s assistance without judgment.)

And that’s the best part. I don’t know if it’s because most of us grew up, or because I just no longer bother wasting my time on these things, but there are a lot less people judging me. The women who are good at hair, make-up, decorating a home etc now offer to help rather than criticize. (And one day I may take them up on their offer… It’s not that I don’t decorate, but hippy/ dorm room is as far as I got in life.) Believe it or not one of my new best friends sells Mary Kay! (Now I know my twitter pic is of the one day I actually did dress up with my daughters, but if you knew me you would know this friend is my antithesis based on this fact alone.) And she doesn’t care that my idea of getting ready in the morning is hopping out of the shower and throwing some hopefully appropriate clothes on.

Now back to the sex. (You thought I just threw that in there and forgot?) Being married for years upon years means you know each other well, that you are comfortable with each other and now that the children are no longer waking you up every night you actually have energy. In fact some nights bedtime comes and you’re not all that tired yet! (Imagine that young moms…) It’s not just the sex though. It’s the absence of fights that are really all about each person not understanding what the other is saying. It’s about being able to say anything you want without the other person taking it the wrong way because they know you and trust that you love them, and always will. It’s comfortable, and comfortable is good. Really good.

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Life

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Why Do Good Workers Leave?

May 25, 2012

I was recently talking with a few friends and the topic of volunteering came up. Now these friends are great people, successful in their jobs, and all of them would drop anything in a minute to help anyone if needed. But there are people and places they will not help anymore. Here were some of the reasons given.

1. The place was disorganized. They did not mind helping, but many times they showed up and had to stand around waiting for someone to make a decision. The people in charge did not respect their volunteer’s time. They would have stayed and helped for hours, if needed, but they did not like having their time wasted when they have other important things they could be doing.

2. They felt like there was a bait-and-switch. They volunteered for one thing and then were roped into doing something totally different. Again, they may have volunteered to do whatever they were roped into, but they did not like being ‘tricked’ and were left feeling that the organization was not ‘upright.’

3. Once you volunteered you were ‘on the list,’ which meant you were going to be called for everything. They felt taken advantage of because they had helped before. The frequent comment was, ‘I am not the only person who attends this church, whose kids go to this school etc., so why am I the only one who seems to get called?’ Many organizations burn out their best volunteers because they ask too much of them. Whenever there is a need, they know who to call, and then they can’t figure out why that person either won’t help anymore, or the family leaves.

4. They did not feel appreciated. When they volunteered they were treated poorly. There was a list of rules that seemed to assume they were either mean, lazy or immature. Or the leaders yelled at their volunteers frequently. Even if they were not the ones being reprimanded, the environment was oppressive.

5. The things the organization did to appreciate their volunteers were weird and not enjoyable. Know your audience. There are people who never want to be up on stage, so don’t make them. Others do not see being invited to watch an hour-long teaching tape you thought was ‘edifiying’ as fun. Still others do not want to be involved in ‘group participation’ games. If you are going to thank people, try to make sure it is in a way that they will appreciate. If not they may be thinking, ‘I would love to help but if I do I am going to have to live through that again.’

6. They were made to feel bad when they said ‘no.’ They did not feel that they had the freedom to say ‘no’ without people becoming upset. They did not want to break a relationship over this, but they also had very real reasons for not being able to do things at the moment.

7. They were pressured to do things that were unreasonable, even after they explained why. Many people have professional skills, and do not mind sharing, but at times what is being asked cannot be done for a variety of reasons. It could be that their insurance only covers them on the job, and you are asking them to put themselves at a steep financial risk. It could also be that they need equipment that it not available to them at home, or that what you are asking is not in their area of expertise. (ex. My husband is an ER doctor, most dermatology concerns require a dermatologist. I have heard lawyers, accountants, electricians, plumbers etc have the same problems.)

8. They have to put up with jerks. While this does not sound charitable, it is Biblical to deal with problem people. Unfortunately many organizations do not and people get tired of being mistreated, even if it is by other volunteers. Since they are not getting paid, the volunteers eventually stop putting themselves through the misery. (When they are getting paid, this is a reason they look for another job…)

9. It looked like there was enough help already. Busy people don’t mind volunteering- if they are actually needed. Having a bunch of people standing around doing nothing makes it look like there are already more workers than you need. If the reality is that there are a bunch of people who show up and then do nothing, you may need to motivate the people who are standing around before others get the wrong impression. One place we do not volunteer at for this reason had us stop working after 2 hours even though the job was not done so that they could get the next group started. We assumed that they had more volunteers than they knew what to do with, so we did not feel the need to volunteer there again. This may not have been the case, and may have just been poor planning on their part…

Remember, professional people who have skills you might want to use are used to being treated well and not having their time wasted. They do not have all day to stand around waiting for you, they do have other things they could be doing and they are used to being paid well for their time (and usually thanked as well) so they will expect a thank-you when they are done. (Not that this is why they do things, but it is proper behavior to thank someone who has helped you and they know it.) If you want to keep these people involved, you need to keep these things in mind.

If you think of anything else, please feel free to share.

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Church Problems

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Lines Guys Use to Get A Girl to Sleep With Them

May 24, 2012

My friends and I were talking and decided someone needed to do a public service announcement to let naïve girls know he is lying to you to get you into bed! So here it goes.

1. You know I’m going to marry you. Yeah, well where’s the ring? When there is a ring on my finger then I’ll believe you. The gold one, not the diamond. Engagements fall through, so I am waiting to be certain I can count on you.

2. I love you. Really girls? I know sometimes this is all that it takes, but you must admit you are going to sound pretty silly as an unwed pregnant mother when you say, ‘But he said he loved me…’

3. You are so hot I just couldn’t help myself. Really? So this means that when your older and they hire a really hot secretary to work with you I can expect you to sleep with her too?

4. I thought you wanted it too. This is emotional blackmail and a bit of date rape rolled into one. The guy is blaming you for ‘tricking’ him into sex by sending the wrong signals. He knew what ‘no’ meant, trust me. He also knows that you will let him if he pushes because you love him. (And in your mind love means never saying ‘no’ or anything else that might upset a person. Don’t be this girl. She is easily taken advantage of and suffers because of it. And bad boys can spot you a mile away.)

The list is short and I am sure there are many, many more lines out there. Feel free to help me out by sharing any you can think of!

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Male/ Female

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Things Marriage Books Don’t Tell You About Real Marriages…

It is early morning. Your husband has left for work and the children are miraculously sleeping in. You roll over, lifting the covers to snuggle more deeply into the comfy goodness and… What is that smell! It seems that your wonderful husband has left you an early morning surprise. A smell, previously trapped by the covers, that wakes you with a jolt and ruins whatever thoughts of getting back to sleep you would have…

Or, you wake up. You are all cuddled up with the one you love when he says, ‘Oh, by the way, I drooled all over the back of your head last night.’ So romantic.

This is marriage. Oh there are good parts too, but there are the raw, real realities of two people, who are not perfect in every way sharing a life together. (I would add the female counterpart to these stories but they are really gross, much worse than this- trust me. And all the married guys said, ‘Yep.’)

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Marriage

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The Problem With ‘Raca’ (Mt. 5:22)

May 23, 2012

“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. (NIV)”

The problem with ‘raca,’ or at least our debate about it is that people are not reading enough good Jewish literature. The Bible is a Jewish text, and must be read as such. Jewish literature does two things. First, it uses the word ‘raca’ in many of its stories so that you get a sense of what this word means outside of scripture to an average Jewish person. Second, Jewish literature gives you a sense of how Jews say things. Today, when we make two points consecutively we are often telling you what something is not. For example, I may tell you that my car is grey, and then say ‘a dark grey-almost black.’ This is not how Jewish people talked. Jewish people often said the positive, then said exactly the same thing in a negative way. So what we will see are statements that say if you are good you do this, if you are bad you do that. These statements mean exactly the same thing, they are just said differently so that all may understand. (Read through Proverbs for the best examples of this.)

When we look at the verse on ‘raca’ though, we are trying to figure out what the difference is between calling someone ‘raca’ and calling someone a fool. The point is, there is not one. Fool is a more general term, and can be used Biblically, but here it is calling someone ‘worthless,’ unable to learn and not worthy of our time or attention. Scripture is telling us that we are not to do this. Everyone has worth. This is supported in the teachings that tell us that every person has been made in the image of God and should be treated accordingly. What is being pointed out here is that even the Pharisees (who Jesus frequently disagrees with) realize that it is wrong to treat a person this way, when we know from scripture that they do treat people this way, so how much worse is it when you, who call yourself a follower of Jesus, treat people this way (even a little bit)?

This is an important point. We are not to consider anyone to be ‘worthless.’ So what does this mean? This means that we are not to look down on people or exclude them because we think they are somehow ‘less’ than us. This is hard to do. In many churches people are afraid that the problems children of new believers come in with will affect their children. Worse, some of our more immature members point to the fact that the new people’s behavior (ie. mere presence) interferes with their worship. Because of their fears they tend to subtly shun anyone who is not already ‘up to speed’ on how to behave. This is wrong. While we do need to protect our children, we also need to disciple new people. (People who have been in the church all of their lives should not need discipling; they should be teachers by now!)

Many churches today have overcome these issues and are growing. Unfortunately, instead of figuring out how they are doing this and joining them many smaller churches are condemning the larger ones for ‘watering down the gospel’ as evidence by all of the people who know very little about God in their church (ie new believers) and their need to preach simply (since there are many new believers). But isn’t a whole bunch of new believers exactly what we are told a good church should have? And if you are mature, shouldn’t you be looking for a whole bunch of people to share your wisdom with, rather than keeping it to yourself, and your group who has already read through their Bible a bazillion times? Just saying…

Category:

Theology

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Don’t Be Naive When Raising Children

In raising children who were adopted when they were older I learned a few things that you may find helpful, so I figured I’d pass them on…

1. If your child’s grades improve dramatically, without a known reason (no incentive, or tutoring) praise, but keep your eyes open for cheating.
Real life story: In third grade our son had a parent/ teacher conference. His grades were amazing. We talked to the teacher, and told her that he rarely brought work home. She moved his seat and his grades plummeted…

2. If your child begins to ‘help’ around the house in ways they have never done before, they are probably hiding something they hope you will never find out they are doing.

3. When confronting your child do not begin with a lecture. Ask them a question then listen. When there is silence, don’t be tempted to fill in it yourself. People hate silence. Your waiting tempts them to say more and you will get more of the information you need, such as why they did it, and how much they have done. Then you can talk all you want.

4. If you think they are doing something set them up and watch. If they are not tempted, nothing else will happen.
Real life: We had our pastor over and went to show him our computer monitoring system. Our son, knowing what the pastor might see, suddenly needed to talk with us. (But not before the pastor saw that the system actually works… We did warn him.)

5. Check to see that your children are where they say they are. Many, many kids say they are sleeping over a friend’s house and go elsewhere, usually with the friend they say they are spending the night with. Always check with the other child’s parents.

6. Explain to your child that the punishment is always worse if they lie. There should be some benefit to telling the truth and coming clean.

7. If your child is suddenly rebellious, blows up easily or won’t talk to you when they normally would there is something wrong. Take them someplace for a long period of time, a shopping trip, fishing, hiking etc. anywhere with no distractions where you can talk. Eventually they will. You may need a weekend for some problems… One of my children talked best at the pet store.

8. Talk to your child when there is nothing wrong on a regular basis (a lot). They need to have practice talking to you. This will make difficult conversations easier. The regular conversations will also make it harder for them not to tell you things since they know they are expected to talk, and whatever is bothering them is probably on their mind. If they normally talk, and are suddenly silent, there is probably something wrong. Don’t stop the talk until you find out what it is.

9. Even ‘good’ kids mess up. The difference between raising a child well, and doing it poorly is what you do when they do mess up. Do not think that your child would never do something wrong. If you do nothing, your child will learn that they can get away with things if they keep up appearances. Adults may make mistakes, but they rarely lie about a child. No one likes calling the parent. Take bad reports from other adults seriously. Thinking that your child can do no wrong reinforces phony and sneaky behavior.

10. Watch TV shows or movies that deal appropriately with the issues your child might be facing. It teaches in a way you may not be able to and opens the door for discussions. You can discuss the issue using the characters as examples so that it does not feel so personal or confrontational.

11. Touch is important. If you have gotten to a place where hugs and other forms of parental affection are not welcomed try a physical sport as a family such as the martial arts. Headlocks are ‘touching’ without the ‘ew Mom’ factor. (One of my boys was 10 when we adopted him. Not a ‘hug your new mother’ age.)

12. If your child begins to get the mail for you for no known reason. (My children reminded me of this one, so I had to add it!) Chance are your child is trying to intercept something they know is coming in the mail that they do not want you to see. Speeding tickets, warnings about grades etc fall into this category. Real life: I once heard a story about a mom, who in the middle of a special ‘day date’ with her daughter at home was surprised by the police at her door. Since whatever her daughter did with the car, then intercepted the mailed warnings and ignored was in the mother’s name, they were coming to take the mom to jail. Wonderful.

I hope this helps. It may not; every family is different. Remember that whenever you read advice and use common sense. There is no-one-size-fits-all solution for any ‘human’ problem. God created us all unique, which complicates things… have fun.

Category:

Children

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