Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

The Dead Beat Dad Plan

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First, we know that every baby has a daddy. This is how they are made. So why are some daddy’s supporting their children, while others are not? And, since tax dollars now pay to support a percentage of these fatherless babies, that means good, hard-working men (and women) are paying to support other men’s kids.

So what can we do about this?

Here are some ideas:

First, the father’s name on the birth certificate is not optional. We know one exists. If the mother does not put one down, then an investigation is opened. Every child needs a daddy, just in case something happens down the road.
-An investigation would cost less than supporting the child on tax dollars, and, with Face Book, Twitter, Instagram etc and so many people willing to rat dead beat dads out, it should not be too difficult. A DNA test will confirm. It is not unreasonable search and seizure if there is reason to presume you are responsible.
-If the father does not sign the birth certificate, but instead the mother puts his name in the blank a notice is sent to him and he has 90 many days to disprove paternity, or the child is his.
-If the mother wants absolutely nothing to do with the father she can either prove that she is self-sufficient and list who the baby will go to in case of her death, or put the name of a person who will take financial responsibility for her, and her child should they fall on hard times. (This could be one, or both of her parents or siblings.) This person would have to sign that they are willing to be that person.

Next, since many times the mother is worried about upsetting the father, a PFA is automatically issued if the father does not voluntarily claim the child and forces an investigation. The mother, and a witness (unrelated to the father) may then attest that the father is not a danger and the PFA is removed. The father can get the PFA removed if he can prove that he did not know about the child prior to the investigation, and cooperated when informed.

Dads who will not work will not be tolerated. If you have a child, then you work. If you do not find a job, the government can assign you one until you do. (Our parks and roadsides will look especially nice until you get your life sorted out.) The exception would be the permanently disabled, but this will be rare since the boy was obviously ‘able’ enough to father a child and should therefore be able to do other things as well. My thoughts: If the nice boy with Down’s Syndrome at the grocery store can work, and tell jokes that make me laugh while doing so, so can many other adults. I know of too many men that refuse to get off their mother’s couch because they are not working to support that &!%@#. This is wrong, and should not be condoned.
-Can you imagine this? You get a notice in the mail that there will be a dead beat dad at work in your neighborhood and until he finds a job your driveways will be shoveled, lawns mowed, leaves raked etc, with the elderly having theirs done first, since, after all, it is your money supporting his child until he finds other employment. He can flex time around job interviews, but since many people purposely bomb interviews 40 hours will still be required until a job is found.

This plan should decrease the amount of tax money going to support single mothers overall, while making sure they are protected and provided for. True there is a cost for investigating these claims and supervising the dead-beat dad work squad, but the decrease in people needed to process child support should offset these numbers.

What do you think?

Oh, and if he does violate the PFA and beat up, or threaten, the mother of his child the penalties will be stiff. I don’t mind paying to support her to see that his butt is in jail. It belongs there.

photo by Matija Barrett 

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Psalm 20: An Awesome Blessing to Pray for Someone You Love

Psalm 20 
An Awesome Blessing
(A psalm by David)
By the way: I love this psalm. It is an awesome blessing to pray for someone. I am surprised that it does not get more attention…
Here are the blessings:
1. May God answer you in times of trouble.
2. May God protect you.
3. May God help you and support you.
4. May God remember all of your sacrifices and offerings.
5. May God give you your heart’s desires.
6. May God make all of your plans succeed.
7. May God grant everything you request.
We will celebrate with you when you are victorious and praise God! We know that the Lord saves those who are His. Some trust in chariots and horses (military strength) but we trust in God. Others (those not with God) will fall, but we rise up and stand firm.
The psalm ends with a request for God to save (protect) the king and to answer us when we call.
(While this is intended as a blessing for the king, it is a wonderful prayer to pray for anyone you love!)

from A New Believer’s Bible Commentary: Psalms – Song of Songs

photography by Matija Barrett

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Life

Things You Learn in Professional Jobs That Mature You.


I was talking with a friend and we noticed that there was a great divide in our community. There were discussions we could have with some people, that, when we tried to have the same discussion with others, resulted in our being accused of speaking meanly about the person. Since we knew this was not so, and since we both had conversation about people in our respective jobs and knew that this type of talking about people was necessary, I wondered why some people look at life differently. The common thread seemed to be whether, or not the person had a professional job that required them to supervise other people in some capacity.
Professional people realize quickly that everyone has weaknesses. This is a fact. Once a weakness is identified one must then decide if the person can learn and improve, or if this is an area that they are just not suited for. This is not mean. This is life. And you can apply it on a personal level. I am a great public speaker, but do not ask me to act. Pretending is not part of my nature. Sometimes points can better be made through drama. I would not be the one to ask this of. Similarly, if you wanted a flash-mob for advertising or to boost moral, I would not fit in. Identifying someone’s strengths and weaknesses and then deciding how to proceed is often necessary and not cruel. Even on a personal level one must assess what a friend can and cannot handle. It’s okay. Some people like random visitors. Others prefer a phone call on a not so regular basis. It’s not personal. It’s just the way they are.
People in professional jobs also learn not to equate criticism with hate. Criticism, when done well, is a loving act designed to help the other person improve. Occasionally I look over other people’s projects. They love that I am willing to do this for them, because they do not want to make unnecessary mistakes. If I were afraid to criticize them this would not work.
They also realize that they do not need everyone to be just like them. Eventually, when working in groups you realize that it is good that the people around you have different skills, and begin to see people who are talented in areas you are not as assets you want to have around. They are not competition that makes you look bad, but people on the same team that are going to help you succeed.
These jobs also teach you that people can have different points of views and still get along. Disagreeing with someone, especially about something that has no relevance to what you are working on, like politics, is okay, and even healthy. All of your friends do not have to think the same as you. You will learn much from their perspectives, and they from you. If you go home upset because you cannot believe your friend thinks that way and do not want to speak to them because of it then you have some maturing to do. Professional situations help people learn to do this, because the environment forces people to be polite, and you must see each other, and be cordial, again. Strong negative emotions just because you don’t like something they said must therefore be dealt with, or you will be the one without a job.
You also realize that people change, but you must deal with who they are now. There are too many times you must deal with people repeatedly, like it or not. Some are just having a bad day, but you must still get them to accomplish what you need them for. You must therefore change your tactics to achieve your goal. You can make nice tomorrow, but today this has to be done. Others improve over time. They will now be very useful where they were not before. If you write them off completely you may lose out on an excellent opportunity to use them where they now shine. Re-evaluation of people is not a bad thing. This is how we give people a second chance. Honest evaluation however is a necessary thing, and it is okay to admit the person is not in a position to be useful at the moment. (I once had a position left open for me because they wanted me, and could wait, but they did not want me with all of the responsibilities I currently had because they knew I would be unable to perform the job to their satisfaction while juggling everything else so they were waiting to make an official offer. This is wise.)
Recently, speaking to a friend I said that a certain preacher had a great ministry and was very effective, but he was just not my ‘flavor.’ It surprised her. But we don’t have to like everything. We can admit that some things have both good and bad points (advantages and disadvantages) and that everyone is not going to be all things to all people (that’s Christ’s job, not ours). And it’s okay. There are plenty of niches for all of us. The beauty of it is, is that when you find your niche, you shine and are very, very happy there. Just remember that it takes longer to find your niche if everyone around you flatters you and tells you how wonderful you are and there is no one who is willing to tell you uncomfortable stuff and lead you to where you could actually do well.

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Life

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Men and the Laundry Hamper


Ever noticed that, when you get a group of wives together there is a topic that repeatedly comes up? It can be any group of wives. Rich, poor, working, stay-at-home, you name it, there seems to be a single theme: Men, on average, cannot get their clothing into the appropriate hampers at night.

Why is this? All of the men I know are wonderful husbands who would lay down their lives for their wife and kids. Work a second job? No problem. Take the child to a doctor’s appointment; sit in Chuck-E-Cheese for three hours? No complaints. But when it comes to putting socks into a hamper no amount of nagging seems to work!

Now, just as a disclaimer, my husband actually puts his stuff into the hamper. It involved adopting 3 older children when I had four children, newborn to 4 1/2 years old in the home, but it did happen. I would not recommend going to this extreme just to get his socks off the floor though.

What does interest me is why men seem to buck doing this simple task for the woman they obviously love. They will take out the garbage, put gas in the car, but not pick up the socks. Hmmm.

The problem is, for women this is a big problem. It frustrates them. They cannot figure it out. One woman I know went on strike. Her washing machine was in an alcove across from their bedroom. Every night her husband aimed his clothing towards the alcove so his clothes ended up on the floor of the hallway outside their room. No amount of talking helped, so she stopped picking them up. If the clothes weren’t in the hamper, they were not getting washed. Eventually he ran out of clean clothes. After stepping over his growing mound of unwashed boxers he asked his wife, ‘Honey, do you know where my clean clothes are?’ Yeah, no clue.

As I said, these men are not dumb, nor are they lazy. There is just something in our society that causes grown men to view the laundry hamper as public enemy number one, to be avoided at all costs. Maybe we women make it too hard on them. After all, the majority of us do tend towards buying the nicer hampers with the lids. Maybe if we bought a cheap plastic one and left the top completely open we’d have more luck. Who knows?

What I do know however is a wife, who gave up her career, (and the chance for any mature conversation that doesn’t involve talking about the kids), who is currently at home eating mac and cheese, watching reruns of the latest mind-numbing show kids like, and picking up the same toys she picked up, and stepped on, an hour ago, who knows her husband is having a fancy lunch meeting today is not going to be pleased to have to pick up her husband’s socks too.

The best way I have to explain it is: If you want your wife’s respect, and, more importantly, if you want your wife to see you as a sexual being and not another two-year-old she has to pick up after, get the stuff in the hamper!

I think I’ve made myself clear. Now go have a nice day.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Life

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An Election Year Parable (Judges 9)

Abimelech (Gideon’s son) then goes to his brothers and tells them to ask the people of Shechem whether it would be better for 70 brothers to rule over them, or just one. He reminds them that he is their flesh and blood. The brothers agree, and the people are ‘inclined to follow’ him, so they give Abimelech 70 shekels of silver from the temple of Baal-Berith, which Abilmelech uses to hire ‘reckless adventurers.’ He then murders all of his brothers except Jotham, Gideon’s youngest son, who hides. The people then gather and crown Abimelech king.

FYI: Killing your brothers when you become king is a common practice during this time. When Abimelch went to his brothers for support and reminded them that they were his brothers, he was likely implying that he was going to become king, and was reminding them what would happen if they did not support him. He killed them anyways to ‘secure’ his throne. Many of his brothers likely have more of a claim to a throne, since Abimelech is the son of a concubine, and not a wife, if you believe royalty should pass from father to son. (Though the name ‘Abimelech’ implies that his father meant for him to succeed him. Not that Gideon was ‘king’… but Abimelech has delusions of grandeur.) In this time uprisings against a king often involved the people getting behind a relative of the king and claiming that this relative had more of a claim to the throne than the current ruler. Abimelech was trying to guarantee that this would not happen.

Jotham (Gideon’s youngest son who escaped) then climbs to the top of Mount Gerizim and tells the people a parable. He says that the trees wanted to anoint a king for themselves so they asked the olive tree to be king, but the olive tree produced oil that was needed. The olive tree decided that it would be wrong to give up doing something so necessary just to ‘hold sway’ over the other trees. The fig and the vine are asked to be king as well, but they too do not feel it is right to give up producing important fruit in order to be in charge. Finally the thorn bush is asked. The thorn bush is not a good king however. He tells the other trees to take refuge in his shade. (This is how a thorn bush kills other trees. By outgrowing them when they are young and weak, the bush deprives them of sunlight, and ‘chokes’ them out by using up all their resources. The trees then whither and die.) When the trees will not ‘take refuge’ in the thorn bush’s shade, the thorn bush catches fire (another thing thorn bushes are known to do, especially in the desert where they dry out easily) and the fire consumes even the sturdiest trees (the cedars of Lebanon).

Point to Ponder: This parable applies today. Too often the people best suited to run the country are too busy producing and running their own businesses. Instead we are left to choose from a group of people who can easily leave whatever they are doing, and want the job. This is not ‘the best’ group of people to be choosing from. A good ruler (or in our case ‘representative’) of the people is one who has succeeded in other aspects of life. Unfortunately, these people are difficult to get as they are often busy with productive work that is important too. If we want our country to run well, we need to pry more of them away from their jobs and convince them to serve us for a time!

An excerpt from: A New Believer’s Bible Commentary: Joshua-Job (Click on Books By Me in the sidebar for more details)

Photo by Matija Barrett


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How To Help The Poor

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It’s an election year and everyone has strong opinions. The problem with most opinions today is that they define the problem using one very limited example. Recently I responded to a tweet that attacked people by stating that if you think the problem with the poor is laziness then you have not met anyone who is poor. This is simply false since there are people whose problem is that they do not wish to work. Some of my favorite ‘lazy’ people include the person my sons worked with who thought the boss would not notice that he was not washing dishes when the boss was not looking. That the ever-growing pile of dishes might give him away never occurred to him. Another woman cleaned hotel rooms. She assumed she just needed to fold the toilet paper into a triangle and no one would know the difference. The management tried and tried to help her be successful. When people were watching she did a wonderful job, but when their backs were turned she folded the toilet tissue and left.

The Old Testament actually describes more than one type of poor person and gives us different instructions regarding how to deal with them.

First there is the ‘roosh.’ This person is poor because they make poor decisions. They will not listen when corrected, are lazy and make other poor people’s lives miserable. We are to feed these people, but because they ruin other people’s lives with their decisions they are also generally avoided.

The next type of poor person is the ‘dal.’ They are weak and cannot help themselves for some reason. Typically, this person’s situation is temporary and if given proper help they will do well. These are the people we are rewarded by God for helping. We are also cursed if we take advantage of them.

Another group of poor are the anav and aniy. They are the poor and needy. In the New Testament these are the people Jesus refers to when he gives instructions on how to treat the poor. These are the people who are poor because of a more permanent condition such as low IQ or severe disability. It can also be because of a more permanent situation like being an elderly widow with no family. They too are to be helped, and we are to be generous to them. They are the ones that the laws regarding gleaning were made for.

There are also a few other types of poor, which occur more briefly in scripture. They are the machcowr, a person who becomes poor because they spend recklessly on their own pleasure. He is best exemplified by the prodigal son. Remember, the son’s father did not send care packages, but did accept his son back fully when he returned in a repentant state.

Then there is the muwk. These are people who have made vows carelessly, or become in debt to the point of not being able to repay what they owe. They do have to work off the debt as a servant, but we are not to take advantage of them.

The ‘ebywon is a beggar. We are to treat him fairly. If we are doing things right there should be no beggars in our land.

The michen is poor through his own foolishness. All we are told about this man is that we are not to listen to his advice.

If we are ever going to truly help the poor we need to realize that there are many different reasons for being poor. Deciding that all of the poor are hard working people who just need a little help is just as destructive as deciding that all of the poor are lazy. It is just not true. Some people just need a little help and they will be fine. Others need education and wisdom. Still others have problems that may never be solved. And of course some are just unwilling to work. All of these situations require different solutions. Until we actually get to know the people we are helping we will not be very effective. The hard working poor will have a difficult time accepting help. The lazy poor will do all they can to gobble up the free stuff. And the people with lower IQs and other disabilities will fall through the cracks unless someone advocates for them. Just throwing money at the problem, or refusing to give any money is not the answer.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Life

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Two Stories That Help To Remind Me How I Want to Live

My friend, Chris, once told me that you can do a lot without being ‘busy.’ How? By focusing on each task as you did it as if it were the only one you were doing that day.

This African parable reminds me of his theory: that one’s perspective determines how one perceives their life.

A man came to the tent of a tribal elder asking for a divorce. The man complained that he could not take it anymore. His hut was loud and chaotic with all of the children and he needed out. The elder said he would grant the man a divorce if he would try a few things before going through with it. The man was desperate and would try anything if it would get him the divorce and the peace he sought.
The first thing the elder wanted the man to do was to bring a goat into the hut to live among them. The man acquiesced, though he did not see how this would help, and agreed to try it for a week.
At the end of the week the man returned claiming that the goat had only made things more chaotic than before. ‘Hmmm,’ said the elder, ‘Why don’t we try some chickens this week.’ The man was desperate for the divorce, so he went home and shooed the chickens into his home where the goat and the rest of his family were living. At the end of this week the man returned to the elder stating that this was even worse!
The elder than told the man to try one more thing. A donkey in the home might just do the trick. So the man went home and the donkey moved in. Again he returned, and again the man stated that the additional animal had only made things worse.
This went on for quite some time, until finally the elder sighed and said, ‘I am out of ideas, and you are out of animals. Let them all out and then return to me next week for your divorce.’
Weeks past, and the man did not return. After much time had gone by the elder came to check up on the man. He asked if he still wanted the divorce. The man said ‘no.’ Apparently after all of the animals were returned to their proper places the house became quite and peaceful, and the man quite liked it there!

The other story is one I remind myself of when I am tempted to judge someone without knowing much about them. It reminds me to have grace.

A man was on an airplane with his four children. During the flight the children were obnoxious. They refused to sit still, went to the restroom multiple times and were generally loud and disruptive, yelling back and forth to each other and passing things over the other passengers. Their father just sat there, unmoving, seeming not to notice the chaos around him. Finally one of the passengers gained his attention and demanded that he get his children to behave. His response, “I’m sorry, you see their mother just died and we are on our way to meet her body and take her home. They usually don’t behave this way, but I guess I have been so out of sorts that I have not been paying them the attention I should…”

(This one always makes me cry!)

The truth is we don’t know where people have come from and what has happened in their lives. Today I explained to my girls why taking young ladies into our home who have just been saved from sex trafficking would not be the ‘best’ plan, and that this is why the shelters are important. Many are not ready for the love of a ‘normal’ home (if there is such a thing) and might be overwhelmed and bolt, heading back to the life they once knew. This is why there are people who specialize in helping these girls. Not that I did not want to take these girls and give them a home as well. But I have learned that there is a better way, and that some times good things are scary when someone has learned not to trust. You have to understand their situation if you truly want to help.

This story also touches my own life. We adopted children when they were older and then moved to a new church. Because we seemed like a family they did not want, some people attempted to pray us out of the church. (Why they would tell me this later is beyond me. I know they thought it would somehow make me feel good that we had ‘improved’ so much, but really?) The people who did this did not know our story, and assumed what they saw today would be the reality of tomorrow. There was no room for grace, and no thought of helping us ‘improve.’

The truth is we don’t know what someone has walked through, or what it would take to get them to a better place in life unless we ask. There is no need to condone sin, we just need to get the facts and be educated enough in their issues to know how to help appropriately. Yes it is hard, and it does take time. But isn’t coming along beside someone what we are called to do? You can’t do that by making quick assumptions and trying to run people you consider ‘unfit’ for your company off. Will everyone accept your help? No. My adopted children have pulled away at times, and decided to do things I did not find acceptable. But you can try. Even if you only help a little, it is better than not at all. Help given inappropriately, with judgment or thoughts that we are the ‘better’ people trying to help the unworthy- that is what wounds and makes things worse.

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Life

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Poop In the Bible

There are a few instances where ‘poop’ is mentioned in scripture, and a few things we can learn from them.
The first instance of ‘pooping’ in the Bible is when Saul goes into a cave to poop. He is alone, and David is in the cave. While he is pooping, David sneaks up behind him and cuts away part of his cloak. David immediately regrets what he has done. He realizes that he has no authority to remove Saul as king and has no business passive-aggressively making a fool out of a man whom God has placed in authority over him, no matter how awful that man may be.

Saul is awful, and in the cave he is at David’s mercy. He is alone, vulnerable, and in an embarrassing position. Still, this does not give David the right to take advantage of it. Ham was punished for much the same thing when he found his father passed out naked from drinking in his tent and then decided to call his brothers over to laugh at their father’s lowly state. Noah is a good man who has made a mistake. Saul is an ungodly man who, because nature called, is in a compromised position.

What this tells us is that God does not want us to do things lightly. We do not take matters into our own hands when we have no authority to do so, nor do we make fun of the person we dislike when he is in charge. We also do not allow the mistakes good men make to become defining moments that are used to make fun of them. This advice comes into play during the election season. While issues of policy are fair game, good or bad we do not seek to belittle and put down the men who are in charge by repeating their mistakes or taking advantage of them when they are vulnerable. So, picking on verbal mistakes, replaying the time they tripped on the steps or taking pleasure in their stomach upset is not a godly thing to do.

The Bible also tells us (twice) to take a something to dig with as part of our hiking equipment to bury our poop. (Dt. 23:13) God cares about the environment. Keeping it clean and preventing disease are important to him. Notice that Jesus’ disciples clean up the people’s scraps after He feeds the thousands.

We also see poop in the book of Ezekiel. The prophet is told to cook his food over human excrement (his own poop) when he is laying on his side to show the people how disgusting God finds their behavior. Ezekiel protests and God allows the prophet to use animal poop instead. (Ez. 4:12-15) Poop is used here as a metaphor for something God does not want close to Him. Used menstrual rags are used in much the same way elsewhere in scripture. (Is. 64:6)

Poop shows up again in the New Testament. This time Paul tells us that everything is ‘poop’ compared to knowing Christ. (Phil. 3:8) While most translations use the word ‘rubbish’ instead of poop, the point is clear. The substitution of a less offensive word for poop also begs the question: ‘Are we trying to be better than God by using less offensive words than He did?’ Times change, and so does how people see certain words so I will let you ponder this for yourselves.

Underwear is also found in scripture. Jeremiah is to take his loincloth and do things that will ruin it. God then tells him that wicked people will face ruin in much the same way the loincloth was ruined. He tells Jeremiah that the relationship He wished to have with the people was to be as close (intimate?) as a loincloth, but the people rebelled. So God wants to be very close to us, and is not afraid to use underwear as a metaphor to describe this relationship! (Jer. 13)

So what can we learn from this:

First, metaphors are just that, metaphors. We may therefore use whatever people will understand to get our message across without worrying about other implication that people may make. A metaphor only goes so far. To point out the ‘good’ aspects of poop would be to misunderstand what Paul is saying, and to point out that underwear are not the most respected piece of clothing would be to miss the fact that God wants us to be in a very secure relationship with Him.

The other thing we need to examine is our choice of wording and translating. By cleaning up the language in scripture we muddy the point. Poop and used menstrual rags are disgusting, and underwear is a lot closer to us than a waistband or a belt. We also need to consider the words that we refuse to use that are common in society. Paul used the word ‘poop’ or some version thereof while talking to the Philippians. Are we being too uptight by refusing to use some of the common words that non-Christians frequently use in our society? Yes, there are words that everyone agrees are offensive. But then there are the others. When appropriate should we pussy-foot around them, refusing to say them because we are Christian? When we do this, is it because we truly do not want to offend, or because we are trying to be better than others? If it makes us look pretentious and uptight then we need to knock it off. If we find ourselves talking about others who say questionable words as if we are better than them, then maybe it’s time to get over ourselves and expand our vocabulary, lest we become self-righteous and hateful? Just a thought.

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Fight Fair

Let’s not be naive, when any two people are in any type of relationship, especially marriage there are going to be rough spots. The key to getting through these rough spots is to do things as right as we possibly can, even when there are strong emotions involved. This is why Joshua 22 is one of my favorite passages in scripture. It is one of the few times Israel does anything right.

So what happens in Joshua 22?

First the people who live on the other side of the Jordan River (outside of the main part of Israel) build an altar. They got scared and worried that, because they were across the Jordan, future generations would not remember that their children were a part of Israel. So they built an altar. It was a Jewish altar, one any Jew would recognize. They meant for it to just be a memorial, a reminder that they were Jewish too. They never intended to sacrifice on it, but it did look like an altar that people would sacrifice things on…

Now the problem is God just told them not to make sacrifices at any altar other than the altar at the Temple. To the Jews on the opposite side of the Jordan River it looked like their relatives were trying to do something seriously wrong that would cause Israel as a whole to be punished by God. They were mad, but they checked their anger and appointed men to go over and ASK what the people involved what was going on, and OFFER to help them. Their offer was to allow them to live on the other side of the Jordan River with them if being across the river was going to lead them to sin.

So, we have an extremely mad group of people, ready to kill their relatives going over and ASKING why they were doing something that looked so bad, and OFFERING to help them if they needed help avoiding sin.
So what would this look like in real life? It would mean that when you discover something that looks incredibly bad you calm down, talk and actually listen to what the other person says. You also realize that sometimes sin comes as a result of unmet needs. This does not excuse the sin, it merely means that there are ways that you can help fill the voids that often tempt people to sin. Each person is different, so you must listen if you are going to help someone. Some people need accountability. Others need support and reassurance that they are loved. I’d love to give you the recipe for helping everyone with every type of sin, but there is none. Listen, and see if you can help. Some people are determined to sin, and that is different. But for many, the temptation comes along with a lot of other baggage. See if you can help ‘unpack’ some of those bags and make life easier on them.

Now remember in Joshua 22 the people had done nothing wrong. It only looked that way. They are being accused of something they had no intention of doing. Often when people are falsely accused they become upset. These men did not. They became humble. They EXPLAINED what they were doing and why. This is important. When you are accused of having motives that you did not have for doing something, do not fly off the handle and let your pride get in the way. EXPLAIN what you were thinking and why you were doing whatever you did. There is no guarantee the other person will listen, but it is the best thing to do.

Now remarkably the other people did LISTEN. (This is often not the case, and is why counseling is so important since counselors, for the most part, make you listen.) They understood what the people were doing and decided it was okay. Now this is also remarkable. Usually when we have decided that someone is wrong we do not want to change our opinion so we ‘nitpick’ and find reasons why it really was wrong even though it was not what we thought it was. Don’t do this. Be prepared to re-evaluate the situation and change your mind. Do not let your pride force you into being so stubborn that you cannot admit you might have made a false assumption. This is stupid and does not help the relationship. Now the Israelites on the opposite side of the river did have things they could nitpick. They could have said that the altar, being an altar, would be a temptation to them or to later generations since it obviously looked like something one should sacrifice on. But they didn’t. They accepted the explanation and went home. They did NOT NITPICK and neither should you. If small changes need to be made give the person some time. They have likely just realized that what they are doing could give someone a false impression and they are hurt that you would think they would be capable of doing wrong. Don’t make it worse by shoving minutia (stupid little things) down their throats.
The people who made the altar also did something right. They did NOT GET OFFENDED that they were falsely accused. This is tough. We want everyone to think well of us and it hurts when we realize that someone, especially someone close to us who is supposed to know us, could believe that we would do such a thing. But they didn’t get offended, and this is good.

The people who accused them then went back to their side of the river and told the other people who knew about the altar what was actually going on. They CLEARED UP ANY MISCONCEPTIONS anyone who knew about the situation might have. This is important. We do not leave people thinking that something bad has been done when it was not, especially if we were the source of the erroneous information. One of my former pastors, when counseling would make the person who had made false accusations make a list of whom they had discussed the matter with and made them promise to clear things up with them as well. This not only kept false information from spreading, but once it was known that he did this, it kept people from ranting to whomever was listening. It is not that you cannot talk to others about your problems, but there is a difference between seeking ‘wise counsel’ and letting everyone know you were wronged. A person seeking wise counsel will have a short list of people to inform when they realize they were wrong. A person who ranted immaturely to everyone they knew will have a lot of explaining to do…

So this is how a ‘good fight’ goes:

1. ASK CALMLY. No matter what it looks like, there may be a better explanation than the one you are thinking of. (Or maybe not, but at least you will know.)

2. BE WILLING TO HELP. Often sin does not occur just because the person is evil. (Occasionally it does.) Sin is sometimes a cry for help. Be open to the possibility that the person may need help refraining from sin, and that there are issues that you may be able to help solve.

3. EXPLAIN. When you are accused, or even when you are accusing, make sure you explain why you did or said whatever it was. Explain calmly and well. You may even have to explain more than once because people who are upset do not tend to listen as well. Be mature and try to master your emotions so that the conversation may be fruitful.

4. LISTEN. You cannot resolve anything if you are the only one doing the talking. Too often in an argument people think about what they are going to say next while the other person is talking rather than actually listening. Listen! If you want to save this relationship (and relationships are so important to God that you should) then you need to listen and hear what they other person is trying to say.

5. DO NOT NITPICK. Nitpicking usually occurs when we do not want to admit we were wrong to get mad. The problem is really that in our minds we tried and convicted the person before we even listened to what they had to say and we do not want to admit that we have made a mistake. Keep yourself open to the possibility that you might be wrong, and do not look for little excuses to ‘prove your point.’ It takes maturity to look at the facts and change your opinion. Be mature.

6. DO NOT GET OFFENDED. When someone accuses you it is easy to get offended. Don’t. Everyone makes mistakes, let this be theirs and let it go. Getting offended does not solve anything, and it makes it less likely that other person will talk to you about things in the future since they ‘do not want to offend you.’ Easily offended people rarely have close friends. Relationships involve getting through missteps until we more fully understand one another. You cannot do this without ever going through some misunderstandings. Accept that misunderstandings will happen, explain and move on.

7. CLEAR UP MISCONCEPTIONS. Typically arguments and misconceptions do not happen in isolation. When you realize that you have made something look like something it was not and have told people about it, clear it up. If you do not it will typically come around to bite you someday in the future. Remember, a person who thinks your spouse is awful will likely not vote for you for elder, or sign your adoption reference, or help you obtain a gun permit. Additionally, if they find out the true story on their own and think you have lied about another, they will not think much of you. There is also the other person’s reputation to think about. Clear things up as soon as possible, and when you think you are wounded try not to tell the entire world.

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Life, Marriage

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Hiring a House Keeper

Now I know the Proverbs 31 woman had servants who helped take care of her house, but if you are a woman living in a Christian society today you have probably felt the pressure to do it all yourself too. Somehow we have made cleaning your house into the ultimate womanly virtue, and we use it, meanly, to compare our worth to others. So hiring a house-keeper becomes a huge emotional issue for most Christian women. It’s like admitting you are a failure as a wife and mother. Except it isn’t.

The irony in my life is that I am finally taking this step at a time when I have the least I have ever had to do in life. Maybe I am just burnt out, or maybe I just don’t care anymore. I tried having someone clean my house once when the children were little. There were seven of them and I was over-involved in both the church and home school community and wanted to stay that way. A woman from the church was starting a cleaning business so we signed on as her first client. She was wonderful, but soon began receiving job offers that were nowhere near our house, making ours a difficult location to clean. This was fine with us as I had grown tired of hearing all of the little remarks made by the other Christian women about my choice to have her clean. My favorite was, ‘If you work with her maybe you will learn how to take care of your house yourself.’ Now I ran the church karate club, was in charge of the Sunday School (and wrote the curriculum), taught two classes at the home school co-op and home schooled seven children. Obviously I was not doing enough.

Today I am older. My children are growing and most have moved out of our home. It would seem that this would be the time of life where I needed a housekeeper the least, but not having as many children to help with the chores makes for a much longer day, and having cleaning be the only thing I do makes it oh so tedious. Believe it or not the ‘breaks’ chasing the toddlers provided helped me keep my sanity! (Who knew?) It also gave me an excuse to not have finished everything I wanted to get done. Now all I have is, ‘If I scrubbed another thing I was going to go nuts.’ It’s just not the same. So I hired someone to clean.

Hiring someone has its advantages. I now have time to do more things, things I really want to do, like writing this. It also provides employment for other people. I do not know the women who come to my house well enough to know if they are supporting a family, or if this is money for extras, but does it matter? They want to earn money doing something they are good at. I want to save time eliminating something I detest, so it is a win-win.
Are there some downsides to this? Yes. I am a bit territorial and like my home the way I like it, even if it is a mess. I need to get over this. There is also the feeling like I am surrendering something I should be doing to someone else.This is a false teaching I have unfortunately internalized, but before I consider myself a failure I ask myself what has eternal value. Raising godly children and writing books that will hopefully lead people to live in a more Christ-like manner is ultimately more important than my feminine pride. And I like it. I like coming home to a clean toilet and a shower stall where I can actually see through the glass surround. It’s a little thing, but it does make me happy.

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Life, Women

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