Christian living- dealing with one 'oops' at a time…

Hijacking the Bible

July 22, 2013

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Somewhere along the way the church, our church of which we are all part of the body, allowed scripture to be ‘hijacked.’ No longer was it wisdom for a way to live, but instead, in many congregations, it became a set of rules to bash people over the heads with. And many of the rules are so twisted they no longer make scriptural sense. Let me give you a sense of what I am referring to.

The Slippery Slope:
Today many will warn you to stay far away from people committing sinful behavior or you will surely fall. (This argument amuses successful people who have done much better in life than those who are issuing this warning without ever falling into the sins these people say their associations will surely lead to.) This is also not scriptural. Let’s use alcohol as an example. (Though you could also use some of the current arguments about men working too closely with women.) Jesus drank wine, and spoke to and ate with sinners. There are even times the Bible tells us we may drink (which are typically conveniently left out of the slippery slope argument) . There were also drunkards who existed during Biblical times, so their existence is not a call for abstinence. While we are not to tempt those who have issues in this area, nor are we to put others in danger by driving after we have had something to drink, complete prohibition is not Biblical, nor is it a sound argument. What prohibition leads to is a separation of Christian from non-Christian that more resembles the rules of the Pharisees than it does the behavior of our Savior. But people continue to use this argument to keep Christians from witnessing in bars, on the streets and in other places where people are obviously in need and could use a loving Savior, as well as a loving relationship with a caring human being.
What is a sound is that we are to live joyfully, and help those who are falling. Unless we have a weakness in the area they are failing in, we are to get close. We are to help, not avoid the person in trouble. We are to be like a brother and help them out of whatever sin is destroying their lives (which may mean that at times we give up our rights in order to not tempt their weakness, as Paul gave up meat). And we are to continue helping as long as they keep repenting. Sure, there are times the Bible tells you to avoid someone, but these times are when they are rebellious and stubborn in their sin. When they want help, as messy as it may be, we are there for them.
Real life: Our church has a women’s group that goes to the strip clubs. The women bring presents and get to know the employees. At first it was weird, but now the staff loves them as much as the women love the staff and lives are being changed. No good Christian woman has been tempted to get on a pole, and the men of the church have an added reason for not showing up; their wife’s friends might be there!

Avoid the Appearance of Evil:
Surely we are not to pretend we are doing wrong in order to appease the crowd and avoid confrontation, but today this phrase is commonly used to mean a bit more than that. People who commonly use this phrase seemingly forget that Jesus was accused of being a drunkard, because, unlike John the Baptist, He drank alcohol, and He explained to the crowd that there was no pleasing them. If He abstained like John they would accuse Him of having a demon, if He did not abstain, they accuse Him of being a sinner. (Mt. 11:18-19) Most of the time, when people are told to avoid the appearance of evil, this is choice they have: Either they are not to fit in with common culture, and alienate the sinner who is seeking Christ, or they risk being called a sinner by those in the church. Does this mean you must drink or engage in other things that become vices when done in excess? No. John the Baptist was clearly correct in not drinking because that was the life God called him to live, but it is not everyone’s call, and we must be sensitive to that truth.

There are No Grey Areas:
There are many, many grey areas discussed in scripture. There are times when something is right to do, and times when it is clearly wrong. Here are a few examples:
David and his men were given the bread of presence, which is reserved for the priests alone to eat and they did not sin. (Mk. 2:25-26)
Aaron’s sons were smote for not following God’s commands regarding the incense at the Tabernacle, yet Aaron’s other sons were shown mercy when they did not obey the rules regarding the meat. Why? Because one set of brothers was rebellious while the others were trying to be humble. Motives matter. (Lev. 10:1-2, 16-20)
God does not punish the women when they become prostitutes because the culture of the time has pushed them into it. (Hosea 4:14)
Samuel is instructed by God to not tell the whole truth about his trip to Bethlehem. (1 Sam 16:2-3) Rahab and the midwives who save the Hebrew babies are also praised and rewarded for their lies. (It seems the scriptural admonitions about lying are do not do it unless someone is trying to kill someone and then you may mislead them.)

No Foul Language or Name Calling:
The Bible is full of not-so-nice language. Why do we not see it? Because most translations clean it up to conform with today’s Christian Correct standards. Here are a few examples:
In Philippians 3:8 what Paul considers ‘garbage’ or ‘rubbish’ should actually be translated as ‘excrement.’
The ‘filthy rags’ in Isaiah 64:6 are used menstrual rags.
God will smear people’s faces with ‘dung’ in Malachi 2:3 for what they have done.
Jesus and others call the legalists of the time ‘white-washed tombs,’ ‘broods of vipers (demons),’ and told them that their true father was the devil (John 8:44). I’m sure they enjoyed that….
So while we are to avoid being crude for the sake of crudeness or merely to injure another, it does seem that using strong language is appropriate at some times in scripture.

The Rules Are The Rules:
Isaiah 28:9-10 ” “Who is it he is trying to teach? To whom is he explaining his message? To children weaned from their milk, to those just taken from the breast? For it is: Do this, do that, a rule for this, a rule for that [fn]; a little here, a little there.”
Mature Christians are to rely on wisdom and understanding, not strict rules that say do this/ don’t do that. Further, the weak are those who need extra rules and restrictions. So while those who are mature are to avoid doing things that are permissible in order to not cause the weak to stumble, it is the weak who need the rules who are the less mature, indicating they are not to be the ones in charge. (1 Cor. 8)

Men and Women Must Maintain a Proper Distance:
In the New Testament Jesus had female followers who supported His ministry and whom He called disciples. (Mt. 12:49, Acts 9:36) He ate at their houses and allowed a woman to dry His feet with her hair (a very inappropriate thing to do at the time). He also spoke to women in public (also extremely risqué behavior for a man). Paul had many close co-workers who were female, and John wrote a very personal letter to a woman in 2 John. Prophets also stayed in widows (no men in the homes) houses, some of whom were young enough to have dependent children living with them.
The scriptural admonitions are not to sleep with the women, and if you are tempted, to maintain a distance because you are weak. But only the weak need these rules. In society today doctors, police and firemen deal with naked women as part of their job, and we expect them to be appropriate. Men can obviously obtain a level of maturity necessary to do this, and it is sad that many in our churches teach that they can’t.

Women Cannot Lead:
The issues with many churches current views on women are numerous, but let us examine a few of the whopping lies that are out there:
Women cannot be in charge of men, yet Deborah was in charge of Israel, Samson’s mother and Rebekah were given prophecy from God even though their godly husbands were around (and Samson’s father wanted to learn more. Judges 13) Abraham is told to listen to Sarah regarding what to do with Ishmael even though Sarah’s wishes are in conflict with his. (Gen 21:12) Women supported Jesus’ ministry financially (Lk 8:3), and were the first to proclaim that He is risen.
Women are also not perfectly suited to housework according to scripture. The Proverbs 31 woman has servants for that and works outside the home, even to the point of managing a vineyard, which we can assume has males working which she must supervise. She is a wealthy woman in her own right and she is to be praised. Sheerah too is credited with being a working woman, building at least three cities that stood for many, many years. (1 Chron. 7:24) Women helped rebuild the wall during Nehemiah’s time (when the elite men would not)(Neh. 3:12), were assigned jobs at the Tent of Meeting (Ex 38:8, 1 Sam 2:22), and many were shepherdesses (not a safe, or dainty profession).
Men too get the shaft in these teachings when they are told they are not nurturing and are to be less emotional. (Have you seen how many times men cry in scripture! ) Instead what we see in scripture is that men are to be highly involved in the rearing of their children, and that even God chooses female imagery to describe Himself.(Is. 66:13, Mt. 23:37) The line between what is male and what is female is not as finely drawn as we are sometimes led to believe, cheating the man out of activities that build a strong relationship with His children. (Further, the teaching of children is something God will do when the earth is renewed, making it the most important job in the church! Is. 54:13)

We Are the Moral Police of the World:
1 Corinthians 5:9-13 tells us that we are not to judge those outside the church. Why? Because they are not followers of Christ and therefore we should expect them to sin! Instead our focus should be on cleaning up the problems within the church, and probably not the ones you are thinking of. Among those we are not to give the Christian name to are: the sexually immoral- with an emphasis in other places on those who do not care for their families (1 Tim. 5:8), the greedy, the slanderer (so many Christians spend so much time putting down other people for how bad they are this would clean out the church!), the unrepentant alcoholic and the swindler (those who use Christ to gain money? Living off the church in ways that are not quite right…). This is not to say that we do not try to help these people before we stop calling them ‘brother in Christ,’ (Matthew 18: 15-17- the three strike law- is still in effect.) but we do not allow our church to become a cloister for mean people who do not treat others well. The church, like Israel, is to be a beacon to those who are lost showing them that there is a better way to live, and it involves a relationship with a God who loves us. How can we do that if our relationships with others in the church suck?
Instead many churches focus on the sins of the world. Who cares what the world is doing? What matters scripturally is what we are doing. Was there any class of sinner Christ refused to forgive? (No.) Then our mission outside the church is to show people Christ’s love in the same non-judgmental way He did. He ate with sinners, conversed with prostitutes etc. (But today we put down those who try to preach in bars and do not lovingly accept the immodestly dressed woman into our midst when she shows up on Sunday.) What He did not do is call the overly religious, legalistic people of His time His followers. Today too many in the church spend much of their time complaining about how bad the sinners are, and not enough time figuring out how to love them and help them into a relationship where a powerful Holy Spirit can do more for them than rude remark or disdainful look ever will. So WWJD? Judgmental attitudes and nasty labels were for the religious who thought they were better than everyone else; let’s follow His example.

But we keep putting legalists in charge (where they admittedly like to be) even though the Bible tells us not to…
The mature in the church, the ones to be called ‘elders’ and have positions, are to be respected in the community. They are not to be the weak, who need extra rules, but those who have shown wisdom (including mercy) in doing justice. These are not to be new believers, yet many times that is exactly who we put in charge. Like the Jewish people in Jesus’ day, the legalists are the ones we look up to and revere. This is not to be so. Let us do a better job, putting people who have gained wisdom are respect into position, and let us stop beating each other up with what people suppose is the Word, but truly is not.

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Dealing With Dysfunction

July 18, 2013

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Everyone has one in their lives- someone who just will not behave, but life circumstances force you to be together. Here are some ideas for dealing with dysfunction, that will help you maintain your own sanity.

First let’s define dysfunction: The dysfunction we are referring to here is limited to a person who repeatedly belittles you, provokes you and/or flies off the handle without provocation. They misinterpret what was said and done, sometimes on purpose, for reasons yet to be discovered. Ideally, they would do well with counseling, but they are not at a point where they will receive it. Interactions with the person are affecting your behavior and your mental health.

1. Be honest with yourself.
Too often we tell ourselves to just forget it, that we don’t know why we let them get to us, that we really should be able to handle things better etc. The fact is that words do hurt. If David, the mighty warrior, and Job, the mature, successful businessman (before the catastrophe) had cause to complain about the words of others, so will you. Words hurt, and some people use words in ways that wound. It is healthier in the long run to deal with reality rather than to deny it. The person you are having trouble with says things that are abusive and like any other form of abuse it really does affect you. So how will this help? By admitting you do hurt, (or become upset, angered etc in response to them) you can now take steps to prevent or lessen their effect on your life.

2. Set boundaries.
Since words do hurt you are going to require strategies for minimizing the damage. Some suggestions are: When dealing with a potentially explosive person, schedule positive things before and after the time you must meet with them. Set time limits on your meetings by arranging other appointments you need to go to, and do not allow yourself to become trapped or under the dysfunctional person’s authority. If you need to arrange for a hotel room instead of staying in their home do so. Will they like the boundaries? No, that is the problem with people who are dysfunctional, they do not respect the rights of others, but they are going to be upset with something sometime anyways, so it might as well be something they can vent about while you are away. Being a trapped audience to their insanity is not helping either one of you.

3. Be clear.
Do not allow yourself to be dragged into their neurosis. Dysfunctional people love to go off topic, and typically stretch the truth while doing so. The topic will typically include why you are such a bad person, and involve many accusations that have only a limited amount of truth (enough so the people around them can ‘see their point’ and be sucked in as well). Do not engage in this. When it become obvious that the person is not looking for a solution, but instead has some other hurtful agenda, steer the conversation back to whatever originally needed to be discussed, make a clear decision and then end the encounter. Likely you were trying to be nice and tried to allow them to have a say in something, but they have proven incapable of having that discussion. Since they have proven themselves to be incapable the ball is now in your court, and the decision is yours to make. Make it and be done.

4. Realize that anger begets anger.
When a person has become irrational and is now spurting accusations that have nothing to do with the topic at hand there is a very good chance you will begin to do the same. Nothing will be accomplished if you too sink to this level. There are a few ways of dealing with this. Since the person has clearly lost it, you must now consider what your relationship to the person is to determine how you wish to proceed. If it is a close relationship, you may want to get close. Though the person is obviously not handling life well, and is intent on hurting you at this moment, what they may really be saying is, ‘I don’t believe you love me.’ If this is the case, shut up and hug them. If this is not the case, and the person is behaves like this at random with everyone, disengage and leave as soon as possible. You, like everyone else, have limits. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in the drama and do, or say, something you will later regret. Disengage before this happens. (This does not mean you get to walk out on every argument you aren’t enjoying. This advice is only for dealing with people who routinely lose control and who cannot be reasoned with. For all other situations, toughing it out and actually solving the problem yields the best results.)

5. Do not allow the angry person to control your life.
Too often we become obsessed with the fact that someone is upset with us. We allow the argument to consume our thoughts, and ruminate on the many ways we are going to solve it. When it becomes obvious that this is a pattern, and not a solvable situation, stop. There are other people in your life who are not unreasonable, and who need and deserve your attention. Stop fixating on the person who is being unreasonable (You have tried and they have proven that they need more help than you can give.) and start intentionally putting your efforts into people who will receive what you have to offer. Too often families suffer because mom or dad is caught up in a drama with an adult relative who simply will not behave. Your spouse and children deserve more than this. Try to settle the dispute, and when it becomes obvious it will not be settled in the near future, disengage. You will need to deal with the problem at times, but it should not be the focus of your life.

So here it is in review:

When dealing with an unreasonable person:

1. Admit that it is tough, and plan for it by surrounding yourself with uplifting people or activities before and after you encounter the person known for tearing you down. Tough emotional situations are times you want to look and feel your best, and then allow yourself time to de-stress before you take your angst and transfer it inappropriately to someone you who does not deserve it.

2. Set time limits on every meeting with the dysfunctional person.

3. Do not get caught up in senseless arguments, but return to the topic at hand. It will be tempting to defend yourself; don’t. Name-calling behavior is never based on reality and you will only reinforce their feeling of being right to abuse you when you stoop to acting as they do.

4. End the argument by loving or leaving. Sometimes the argument is a cry for affirmation, other times it is a hostile life pattern. Decide which it is, then act. If the hug doesn’t work, or is inappropriate, exit and if necessary, try again when they have calmed down.

5. Stop thinking about it. (Easier said than done.) This one takes practice. You must remind yourself that there are more important things in life and focus on what is currently in front of you. People who know how to behave should not lose out because of those who don’t.

I hope this helps. The most freeing thing in my life has been the realization that some people are not going to be nice and there is nothing I can do about it. I try to help, but when the abuse continues, there is not much left for me to do. It is not my fault they misbehave (I did not raise them.) and there is not much I can do about it. But I can limit my exposure so that I too do not become an emotional train wreck as a result of the interaction. Words do hurt, and I am as vulnerable as the next person to emotional abuse. The difference between someone who handles these situations well and those who don’t is often the boundaries they allow themselves to set. Spending 24/7 ruminating on an abusive situation will not allow you to look at the situation with clarity and function as a sane, rational human being. Some things are not for you to solve, and some solutions come when the person realizes people will no longer stand for their behavior.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Reviewing the Declaration of Independence in Light of Today’s Government

July 16, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

I have really tried not to be political on this blog. Why? Because debating current events tends to lead to time wasting controversies I do not wish to engage in. But, in going through the Declaration in order to write my piece on tyranny in relationships I noticed something- in many ways our government is doing exactly the same types of things that King George was called out for. Am I blaming any one politician? No. These things have been going on for some time now, and the only fault the person currently in office has is that they too did not recognize this and make it go away. (We can debate how much they have made it better or worse on another day.) So let’s look at what our government is currently up to that made our forefathers mad.

1. He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good… He has endevoured to prevent the population of these United States; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners…

Our federal government can’t seem to make up its mind regarding immigration, so it does nothing. And when the states attempt to do something, it stops their actions. Immigration has been an issue since the founding of our country. Our forefathers wanted to increase the population. Today we wish to regulate it and ensure those coming in are ‘safe.’ The problem with King George was that he would not make a reasonable law that would enable proper immigration. We have the same problem today.

2. He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

Have you noticed how many departments and agencies now exist? All of them are funded through taxpayers’ dollars, and all of them are in charge of regulating our lives. Some of them are good and necessary. Others are redundant and would be better if done on the state level, where local concerns may be taken into consideration. It may be time to say ‘too much’ and work to simplify government, in much the same way we do when our lives become busy and over-extended.

3. He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

The Department of Homeland Security, the NSA and the TSA are examples of agencies whose purpose seems to be policing the citizenry. This is not how our founders expected free men to live. Further, some of our police departments, and social service agencies seem to have overstepped their bounds and gone from ‘serve and protect’ to harass and assume. As frustrating as it may be, all citizens are to be treated with respect and are assumed to be innocent until proven innocent in a court of law.

4. He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to the civil power.

Our military is now under the jurisdiction of the federal government (no more is it a coordination of state militias), and when it is sent to an area, it does not seem to answer to the local officials in charge. Our founders wanted protection from an over-reaching government. Any policy that places the federal government in supreme control over everything does not comply with what our founders intended.

5. He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution…

Have you noticed how many treaties and executive agreements have been made? And many of them were made without the consent of congress. (Reminder, according to our constitution a treaty trumps any state law. (Article VI) And an executive agreement between our president and another country is being treated as if it carries the same weight as a treaty that actually made it through congress.) This is not the method our founders envisioned, and these short-cuts bring us closer to a dictatorship. It is time to back away from that edge and re-instate a little more restraint when it comes to the power of one man, our president (any president).

6. For quartering large bodies of troops among us.

What the heck is the DHS doing with all that ammo and riot control machinery? Why is the IRS training with rifles? Is this really the job of the federal government, to police our local streets? We have a military and we have police, what exactly are these other agencies doing? These tactics are not what one would expect if their only purpose was to weed out terrorists. Let’s put the responsibility of keeping order in America back in the hands of local people who know their community and can make judgments based on that knowledge.

7. For protecting them, by a mock trial…

When was the last time a congressional review resulted in anyone losing their job, no matter how grievous the error? Today the name of the game seems to be protect those who are appointed, not ensure the safety and rights of those they supposedly serve (the taxpayer).

8. For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world.

Some trade agreements are good, but today we seem to be using trade as a means of obtaining what we want politically from other countries. This was not what our founders wanted. They wanted the freedom to trade with whomever they wished, free from government interference whenever possible.

9. For imposing taxes on us without our consent.

Pork and other deals that sneak into bills meant for other purposes reek of this. We may have wanted whatever the bill was for, but we did not want all of the ‘extras’ it came with.

10. And waging war against us…

Cutting funding to things that will ‘hurt’ in order to manipulate the people into supporting funding for the things you favor is not the way government is to work. Like King George it seems that many of our elected officials wage a passive-aggressive war on the American people in order to find support for the ideology they believe in. This is not the way the system was designed to work.

11. He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny… totally unworthy of a civilized nation.

When was the last time the American people fully understood why we were involved in a military action? Tyranny is when the government decides for itself, without the consent of the people, to do what it wants. Shouldn’t something as large as sending our troops, our sons and daughters (my son), oversees into combat require a bit more of an explanation than what we are receiving? And it seems some of our methods are suspect. On one hand we hamper our troops effectiveness with PC rules that have no place in actual combat, and on the other hand we use drones that seemingly do more harm than we should have intended. It’s time to revamp and rethink how we do war.

12. He has excited domestic insurrections among us…

You cannot mention the president’s name today without stirring emotions and potentially starting an argument. This was true for G.W. as well. Our government, it’s policies and the statements of our elected officials do more to enrage and encourage emotion than they do to encourage serious debate. We really need to get back to the issues and stop acting like we are on a reality talk show when dealing with the problems we face as a nation. And we need to hold those accountable who seek to stir up emotions rather than engage in honest debate.

This problem is ours. We the people need to take responsibility for what we have created. We need to encourage cuts and accountability. We need to take back responsibility for our local affairs. We need to encourage responsible dialogue and not jump emotionally into the fray without realizing that we have no idea what we are actually supporting. And we need to hold the media accountable. They are to report in an unbiased manner (i.e. They may give their opinion, but they may not leave out the facts that may lead us to disagree.), and they are not to seek to merely stir emotions and get people upset over things they know nothing about. It’s time to take back our country and run it in a way that makes sense, before we, as a nation, become a reality show that is too sad and dysfunctional to watch.

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Be Unique, Be Very Unique!

July 12, 2013

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God created us as unique individuals, everyone different from the other. Yet we live in a world that pressures us to be the same. How freeing would it be to actually be true to who you are? To admit that you are great at some things, and allow yourself the freedom to shine? To also admit that you are not good at other things, and allow yourself to shore up those areas by delegating those tasks to others who do shine? How great would it be to be you?

So here’s the challenge:
For one week do nothing different, just record every little thing you do. Include everything, from shaving, to putting on make-up, to doing the dishes and walking the dog. Everything.
During this week also be formulating a list of things you believe to be important. They may include one-on-one time with your children, romance with your spouse, working on your manuscript etc. At the end of the week rank these things in their order of importance.

And buy some multi-colored highlighters. (Or crayons, your kids probably have some.)

When the week is done create categories. They may be ‘work,’ ‘exercise,’ ‘eating,’ ‘chores,’ ‘sleep,’ whatever you want to call them. Highlight each category in a different color. Notice what takes up most of your time.

Next, go through the list and mark the activities you enjoy with one symbol, and the activities you do not enjoy with another. If your days are full of activities you do not enjoy spend some time figuring out how to decrease the time you spend on them. (This may involve you doing something you enjoy that makes the money you use to hire someone else to do the thing you do not enjoy. One writer I know became a writer merely to continue to afford her cleaning lady.) So you may hire someone to do things, cut them out completely or find other ways to minimize the time you spend on them. If you must do them, find ways to make them fun. Combine them with your favorite music, a TV show you like in the background, do them with friends, whatever works. Or find a fun alternative. You may find exercise boring, but necessary, so put on your thinking cap, something like going dancing may burn just as many calories and score you a date night with your spouse. A family sports activity may also be just the thing.

Now look at the list of things that are important to you. Notice how much time you actually spend on them. If it is not as much time as you would like, re-arrange your life to make sure the things you value actually get done.

Then re-look at your record. Next to every single activity note the reason you do what you do. Also note whether, or not the amount of time you spend doing it seems reasonable. For instance, next to ‘brush teeth’ you may write, ‘So my teeth don’t fall out and my breath does not offend.’ Since the two minutes you spend on this seems reasonable, move on. What you may find is that some activities take up way too much of your time, time that could be spent doing other things. Streamline these activities. Other activities make no sense. You do them because you are in the habit of doing them, and their return on investment is minimal. Cut these things out of your life. Just remember, ‘Because I enjoy it’ is a valid reason. These activities, when they do not affect your productivity, contribute to your mental health. Don’t cut too many of these out, and make sure some occur every day.

Now look at your appearance. What does it say about you? Does it fit your lifestyle? Does it incorporate things you like? Is it functional? Some of us like to dress up. If you do then spending hours on your appearance is part of you feeling good about yourself. Others of us value our sleep. Easy to manage haircuts and morning routines make more sense. Make a list of little things that make you smile. It may be Star Trek memorabilia or a certain style of jewelry. Begin to incorporate the things you like into your life. It doesn’t have to be tacky. A nice pair of Star Trek cufflinks, a geode as a necklace, these are little things that make you smile yet don’t distract others who may not have the same tastes.

Finally, take a look at how you communicate. Many of us are so afraid of offending others we rarely express our opinions, or ask for our needs to be met. This is caustic to your mental health. While you always want to be tactful, and aware of other’s feelings, no one can adequately know you or meet your needs unless you express them. Keeping everything bottled up inside and hoping someone will notice you need help only leads to explosive situations and poor self esteem. Will everyone like what you have to say? No, that’s not the way the world works. But those who are mature will understand and respect your opinion if you express it with the love and respect you would expect in return.

It is also okay to set boundaries. There are those who, in inappropriate ways, take too much of your time and emotional energy. Feel free to set boundaries; it is a healthy things to do. Will they like it? Probably not, and you may have to have a very frank conversation with them, but if they are truly inappropriate, this may help them to deal more positively with others in the future and benefit them as well. (They probably have more important things they should be doing too.)

With your new ‘free-time’ (This exercise should free up some time.) allow yourself some time to explore new things. Many of us have not tried anything outside our cultural norm. Stop in a store you would not normally shop in but were always curious about. Check out entertainment, like the opera, country line dancing, martial arts lessons, pottery classes etc you have never tried before and discover for yourself whether, or not, it is for you. Start to fill your day with the things that are important and incorporate the things you truly enjoy into your schedule.

Being yourself saves you time and emotional energy. It allows you to prioritize the things that are important, and delegate the things that are not. No human being will be good at everything. Unless it is something you alone must do, stop trying to master the things you hate, and are not good at, and begin to invest in and excel at the things you love.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Our Need to Be Affirmed

July 4, 2013

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So many people have warned me that I needed to have ‘thick skin’ to do so many things in life, and it’s true, I did need to let many things just roll off my back and realize that the issues the irate person was addressing had more to do with what they were dealing with in life than they did with me. But I also got to the point where I realized that needing to be affirmed was not a bad thing. It is a normal human emotional need, and it is entirely Biblical.

So, while it is not good to be too caught up in seeking the approval of others, we do need to remember:
1. Respect is something that righteous people have earned, so it can be expected when you do well. (Rom. 13:7, 1 Thess. 4:12)
2. Praise is Biblical, and it is acceptable to feel good about it. (Prov. 27:2, 31:31)
3. Affirmation is given to the godly, and even to Jesus (whom God loved and was well pleased with) on more than one occasion. (Mk. 1:11, Lk. 19:17)

So the next time you are beating yourself up for being ‘thinned skin’ or needing the approval of others, take time to do a reality check. Are you really being overly sensitive? Or just reacting to a typical human need?
Photo by Matija Barrett

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Life

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Poverty Mentality

July 2, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

 

IMG_2581
I have lived amongst the rich, and among the poor, and among those who are in between. Here are some of the fallacies that keep the middle class from succeeding.

1. My teen needs a job so he learns the value of hard work.
Unless you are very selective, or lucky, what your teen will learn from most minimum wage jobs is how to submit to poor authority, and, unless he is shown examples of good authority in the future, he will learn by example to be poor authority as well (which will limit his opportunities for advancement).
What you teen needs are skills that he can build on and use as an adult. Many of these skills will result in income, some will not. A job should not be the ultimate goal, but instead every opportunity should be judged by what your child will learn from it. Having a job merely to have a job can be counter-productive and rob your child of time he needs to learn other things. Some jobs are valuable, others are not.

2. No matter how wealthy I am I will never hire I housekeeper and will do my own yard work.
Poor people believe that having others do jobs around your house is a sign of laziness. Wealthy people understand that time is money/productivity. If someone else can do it, then they have time to use their skills elsewhere. And this is not selfish. The person being employed is grateful for the work, and the time the wealthier person spends on the job leads to more of whatever is making him wealthy to be available to the public. For a doctor, this means more hours of healthcare available to the community. For a businessman, this means the company is more productive, which leads to higher salaries and more people employed.

3. My son needs to go to college so he can get a job.
It is nice to be employed, but it is better to be your own boss. Employees only make so much money. Owning your own business means the sky is the limit. There is nothing wrong with employment, but if you truly want to succeed, creating something new that you retain the rights to is the real goal. College is great for acquiring skills, but it is not the only path to success, and is sometimes not the most efficient one.

4. It shouldn’t matter how I look. People should judge me for who I am.
In an ideal world, this would be true, but the fact is that most people will size you up in the first few seconds and if you do not make a good impression, that is all the time you will ever spend with them. Life is busy. You need to use everything at your disposal, including your appearance, to help you succeed. So speak clearly, shake hands firmly, look people in the eye and dress for the position you wish to have. (Looking at my appearance right now, I obviously want to be home with the kids!)

True story: My son wants to run his own business one day, so he was looking for management level jobs at a young age. He was hired as a ‘house boy’ at a hotel. He dressed like he was hired for management. One of the other houseboys told him that he did not have to dress like that for work. My son (19) is now a supervisor, being groomed for management and the adult who gave him this advice is still a houseboy. Did I mention my son was labeled as special-needs in school? How you look, and act matters.

5. It’s not my job.
Some people are always on the defensive. They are worried about their ‘rights.’ They complain that people are asking too much of them, or taking advantage of them. People who advance in life are looking for learning opportunities. They know these exist at the top levels of the company and will do anything to get there. They stay late, arrive early and bring work home. They do not worry about whether, or not it is in their job description, or when their break is. They also realize that the reason someone may be giving them more responsibilities is to see how they handle things before promoting them.

True story: When my cousin graduated high school he worked in the real estate field in NYC. He worked crappy hours and was generally taken advantage of in order to learn the business. He now owns multiple companies, and gives lectures to others who want to know how to get ahead, and because of his success, he now has plenty of time to play (and is contemplating buying an airplane).

6. It takes time to find yourself and figure out what you want to do.
While your child is sitting on your couch finding himself and figuring out what he wants to do in life, other people’s children are gaining skills they will need for the future. Once you have a family, it is hard to catch up. The years between high school and marriage are the years to put the pedal to the metal and learn everything you can, before diaper changes and late night feedings take up much of your life.

7. Why am I learning this? I’m never going to use it.
Knowledge is never wasted. At the very least, everything you learn exercises your brain so you are able to learn more easily. (This is why the elderly are advised to do crossword puzzles etc.) Algebra skills may not be used in ‘real life’ but they are a part of most placement tests, including the ASVAB to get into the military. There is no such things as useless knowledge. You never know what life will bring, and every piece of information you gain is a piece of something that may come in handy later in life.

8. I don’t need school; I want to be a stay-at-home mom.
Even if life works out perfectly, stay-at-home moms still need to help out with the homework, occasionally do the bills, stay within a budget and other things that require an education. Further, more and more stay-at-home moms are home schooling (which is easier if you actually did well in science and took calculus in high school). In the worst-case scenario, where the husband is injured or dies, a stay-at-home mom must now support her family. It is easier and less stressful for a mom to enter the workforce with a degree and/or a solid educational background then to try to support her family on minimum wage.

9. Grades are everything.
If your goal is to own your own business, chances are no one is going to look at your GPA. Networking is as important as grades. This is why wealthy people send their children to schools that children of other wealthy people attend. While you may not be able to send your child to an Ivy League school, you should know that who you know matters. Making connections is as important as learning a skill. Mentors are invaluable; especially if your child wishes to do something you and your spouse have never done before. Good business partners, investors, customers and even future employees often are the people you meet as you travel through life. It is hard to meet them if you never exit your dorm room. Have you ever noticed that most heads of major companies, and even our presidents were rarely the straight A students, and more often are the smart, but charismatic ones?

10. Grades do not matter.
Grades are an indication of how much you have learned. While it may not be imperative to your career to have a 4.0 (though it may, if the skill-set you are pursuing requires an advanced degree), it is important that you learn the material.

11. Opera, golf and country clubs are stupid.
A person should be willing to try anything with a gracious attitude. No one likes the things they find enjoyable put down. If you cannot enjoy it, at least be nice about it. Further, many of these activities are designed for socializing, so that people can get to know you. Listening to your complaints about how stupid and useless something is does not make a good impression.

12. I am fine the way I am.
In every area of life there are expectations as to how someone is to behave. There are rules for a bowling alley and there are rules for a dinner party. Learn the rules for the situation you are in. Insisting on doing things your way will only make you unpleasant to be around.

True story: When the children were old enough to behave, but young enough to still be at home we attended lunches at the local museum where meals were served with multiple forks etc. I did not make a big deal out of it, and the children picked it up quickly. If you approach life as an opportunity, understanding that nothing is too difficult, you will learn to be at ease in many different settings. By the way: On one particular occasion the older crowd was having an unusual amount of trouble with the cheesecake that was served for desert. Numerous pieces hit the floor. As soon as an ‘accident’ occurred, the wait staff immediately replaced the desert, and then, to my children’s amusement, discretely kicked the offending piece under the long table cloth!

13. Eight years is too long to go to school after high school.
Many children decide not to go for advanced degrees merely because four more years seems like a lifetime to them. Here’s a little knowledge: Four years is nothing compared to the rest of your life, and if the difference in salary and job-satisfaction is significant, then four more years is worth it! What most people do not realize is that most advanced degrees are not four years of intense classroom time. Medical school typically contains a year and a half of rotations, which involve working at the hospital for no pay. Dental school has labs, and patient care, which increases as the years go by, and master’s and doctoral degrees involve research into subjects of your own choosing, and sometimes involve using cool things like wind tunnels, 3-D printers and explosives depending on your major. Going to school for advanced degrees is not the same as sitting in high school. Sure, there are some tough years, but it is not as bad as it seems, especially if it is a field you enjoy.

True story: I was once asked to accompany a PhD student to South America to ride mopeds through the jungle to collect monkey poop. I also worked as a teaching assistant in a gross anatomy lab dissecting human cadavers, and as a physical therapy student had a lab devoted entirely to giving and receiving massages. Some of my friends participated in earthquake research and built model buildings in order to shake them to see how long it took them to fall apart. They also built a cement canoe. (Not sure why, but they had fun.) Advanced education is not entirely books and papers…

14. Work sucks.
Work should not ‘suck.’ If work sucks you are in the wrong field; do something to change it. (If everything in life ‘sucks,’ then you probably need to change your attitude towards life, but that is a different lecture.) Find something you enjoy. This is what you are going to do well, and not mind spending lots of time and energy doing. It is also likely something you are skilled at and find easy, so there is more of an opportunity for success. Work should be something you have a hard time tearing yourself away from, not something you can’t wait to quit. Have you ever noticed that rich people tend not to retire?

15. I’m smart, so I should go into something to do with math or science.
If you enjoy math and science, then go for it, but there are many, many fields to choose from, and smart people do well in them too. Top chefs, interior decorators, event planners, etc are all smart people who have a passion for something society typically does not view as a career choice for those who do well in school. But if it is your passion, your braininess will only enhance your career.

True story: My daughter came home and stated that she should probably think about a career in science because she was ‘smart.’ She has always wanted to be an event planner (wedding planner/ party planner). She is smart, and a total geek who is currently watching her way through the entire Dr. Who series. But she is also a very social child, who once took out the sewing machine in the RV to sew herself a new pair of pajama pants before bed because she did not like the way the ones she had on fit. (Yes, I had a sewing machine and fabric in the RV. These are necessities if you are raising a child like this!) She also made a rice-filled back pillow for a man we met whose back was hurting… She can be a scientist if she wants, but the way she cares about people combined with her creative streak will likely make her a very successful event planner as well, and smoothly run scientific conferences and international events also contribute to the good of society.

16. If I make a lot of money I’m going to give it all away.
You can, but chances are you won’t. Why? Because by the time you have made a lot of money you will realize what money can do. Money, when properly invested, makes more money. This does not mean that you will not be charitable, but it does mean that you will not be giving money away haphazardly. You will take care of your family in such a way that your children will have the best chances to succeed, then you will likely invest in whatever it is that you did well in the first place, knowing that this creates jobs and resources other people find valuable (or they would not have invested in it in the first place and you would not be rich). You also realize that helping people achieve is more of a solution to poverty than any other form of charity we have, so most of your efforts will be to find people who want to work and then investing time and money into making their efforts worthwhile. This will not look like charity since you will gain a useful employee in the process. If the new employee is successful however, you may have also trained your next competitor as well! You will also realize that you having authority over your money means that you control how it is used, and you can make sure it is not wasted. Giving money to ‘good causes’ often means that money goes to line the heads of these organization’s pockets, or goes to efforts that sound good, but do not work. People who have worked hard and succeeded rarely like to see the fruits of their labor wasted. Further people who are wealthy do not enjoy hearing how generous you would be if you were in their place. Their thoughts: You won’t use your time to make money, so why would I believe you would use your money, if you had any, any differently? (Ouch!) They are also likely giving more to charities they believe in than you know.

17. Being ‘rich’ involves having lots of money.
While the focus here has been on making money, money is not the key to having a ‘rich’ life. Many poor people have more disposable income than people making much more than them, and they are living much happier lives. Why? Because they live below their means. Their house, car and other payments do not leave them broke at the end of the day. The extra money means they can afford to go on vacations, have a few extras and spend time with the people they love. Many upper middle class people have nice houses, nice cars and no money to do the things they want. This is no way to live, and it makes life stressful. Whenever you can, budget in such a way that all your expenses are met with a decent amount left over to invest, be generous with and enjoy.

True story: When my husband was an intern we lived in a trailer park. (Our neighbors loved telling people about the doctor who lived next door to them!) Many of our neighbors had enough money to buy a house, but chose not to. Why? Because the trailer park was a nice place to live, and the money they saved enabled them to have big screen TVs, RVs, four-wheelers and other toys. Quality of life was more important to them than the quality of their house. We had a lot of fun there.
Another man we knew lived in a small, one room apartment he built off his shop. He could afford more, but would rather spend his money traveling the world.

Life is an adventure, but it is helpful to do it in ways that do not limit your success. Examine everything you do and ask yourself why you are doing it. Every choice comes with baggage. Make the choices that will best enhance your (or your child’s) life.

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Life

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How In the World Did We Get Into This Mess? Additional Links

June 30, 2013

Here are some additional links not mentioned in the unit study that may be fun, or helpful when added to any World History curriculum:

Asia:

Weird Asian News

Canada: 

Rick Mercer Explains: The Canadian Government on You Tube

Amusing, but not all encompassing.

Canadian Government on You Tube

Very good, but contains a picture of the middle finger, twice. Why? I don’t know. 

China:
Off the Great Wall on YouTube

England: 

The True Cost of the Royal Family Explained on You Tube

The United States: 

50 Great Facts About the 50 Great States by Mental Floss on You Tube

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Books by Me, Home School

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College Degree by 18 Pitfalls

June 28, 2013
Photo by Matija Barrett

Photo by Matija Barrett

I have four children who have graduated from our home school, and three more to go. Over the years I have seen many different home schooling trends, and one that crops up frequently, and is very appealing to many home school families is the idea that home schoolers can get their college degree, or at least a few college course, out of the way while they are still in high school. And it is true, you can do this, but there are some things you need to be careful of before you waste a lot of time and money…

1. Some courses will not count towards your student’s major.
Course like Algebra and Trigonometry are expected to be taken in high school. Yes, they are offered by many colleges for those who need a refresher, but they may not count towards the major your student is pursuing. For example, if your child wishes to go into an engineering field, they will be expected to take Calculus their freshman year. It will not be necessary to have college credits in Algebra for this degree. Check to see what your child will need, and do not enroll them in courses that will not count towards their major, unless you are unable to teach it yourself. By paying for this course you may be throwing money away.

2. Some courses do not transfer to other colleges.
In the New Mexico state college system all courses transfer to all other colleges in the system, but the grades for those course do not. If you are looking to bolster your student’s GPA by taking courses elsewhere, this will not help. Further, many colleges will only except transfer credits for general education course (gen. eds.) and you must take most, if not all, the courses for your major at the college you plan to graduate from.

3. Some colleges do not recognize the accreditation of the college your student enrolled in.
Colleges do not have to accept courses from another college. Make sure the courses fully transfer to the college of your choice before you enroll.

4. Some colleges limit the amount of transfer credit they are willing to accept.
Your student may have 30 hours of college credit, but if the college only recognizes 15 of those hours, that is what they will receive credit for.

5. Some degrees are only recognized by certain organizations.
One of my friend’s children received her teaching degree from a Christian college. This degree was not accepted in the state they lived in, and was only good at Christian schools that recognized this college as having a valid program. This limited her daughter’s options for employment.
Another friend’s child received his degree in ministry at 18. He will be pursuing his masters and is hoping to become a pastor. This is good. Most pastoral search committees are only interested in your knowledge, and not where your degree came from. Unfortunately some Bible colleges are not recognized by other Bible colleges, and you may not qualify for their master’s program, or to be hired as a professor (even if you have obtained a PhD) if you do not have a degree from a college they approve of. Many colleges who allow a student to start college as a freshman in high school have a tendency to not be recognized by other colleges.

6. Having enough credits to make you a ‘junior’ does not mean you will graduate in two-years.
Every major has certain requirements that must be met before you graduate. Most courses taken in high school will not fulfill these requirements, even if the college accepts them for credit. Many students enter college having paid for a boatload of credits, only to find out that their courses only count as gen ed, saving them the equivalent of a semester’s worth of course work.

7. Most majors you can graduate with at 18 do not result in ‘real world’ jobs.
Challenging majors require challenging pre-requisites in high school. Most children beginning high school do not have advanced math and science courses under their belt and will therefore not succeed in these majors. Majors that do not require a lot of math, or science, or even advanced writing skills often do not have much of a market for employment.

8. Even if you have a degree, there may not be employment for an 18 year old in that field.
Police officers must be 21 to apply. Social workers, pastors, military officers etc are also people who are expected to be older. Medical, dental and law schools also dislike accepting students who are very young (though they will make exceptions for really high scorers on their placement exams). At 18 years old there are few people who will hire you. If your child is not planning on a masters or PhD in their field, early college may just result in a frustrating job search.

9. The reason many of us home school is to teach our values to our children.
Teens are just beginning to understand mature concepts. This is the time for them to explore their faith. By placing them full-time into a college environment they will be spending more time exploring the beliefs of their professors than they will learning those their parents’ believe in. While I do believe in exposing my children to many different ideas, I also believe in teaching them well what I believe to be right as a foundation for future learning. Depending on what college you choose, this may not occur.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages to obtaining a college degree early. Dual degrees are impressive. (I graduated with two under-graduate degrees and a minor before going for my masters.) But, they are also costly if you do them over the course of eight years. (Receiving a dual degree because you took the maximum number of credits each semester is different since colleges typically charge a flat fee for full time students who, when I attended could take 15-23 credits per semester.) An early masters or PhD, or dual PhDs is also not a bad idea, if your child can handle the course work.

So, if your student is truly a protégée, then go for it! Why hold them up in life? If you have the money to invest in their education, and do not feel you can teach more advanced high school courses in your home, your local college may be a better option than your local high school. But, if you and your children are like most of us, graduating early may only place them in an awkward position, and may cost you more in the long run than you planned to spend.

(If you do have questions, call the college’s admissions office. They are there to help!)

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Home School

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Proverbs 31: For Women Only?

June 20, 2013

Photo by Matija Barrett

The list of characteristics in Proverbs 31 has rightly been used as a criteria for finding a godly wife. And, much to the chagrin of many a godly woman, is the only real listing of its kind found in the Bible, making it impossible for women, when it is used incorrectly, to point to the ‘male’ list and say, ‘See, see, you’re not doing so well yourselves!’ Despite the nastiness that sometimes accompanies these endeavors, the question does remain: Is this a list for females only, or are they universal characteristics one should look for when anyone is considering uniting themselves to another for life?

So let’s look at the qualities listed in these verses, first noting that there are some criteria given in verses 3-9 that speak directly to the men. (Also notice that, if you are like me, you have probably never heard these verses of Proverbs 31 preached on before…)

The verses of instruction spoken directly to the son by his mother tell him:
1. Not to spend his energy chasing women who will only do him harm.
2. Not to drink wine or crave beer as a ruler, since doing so will result in poor decisions being made.
3. To give beer to those who are in anguish, so they may be relieved of their misery.
4. To speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.
5. To judge people fairly.
6. To defend the poor and needy.

So what does this man look like? He is not a player or a partier. He makes good decisions, helps those who are in pain and he stands up to bullies. He does not make snap judgments, and is not overly critical but instead treats people fairly, which involves not making excuses for bad behavior as well.

And then there are verses 11-31. And the question is: Should men have these qualities as well? (And I think we can all agree that women should not be partiers, and be a person of good morals like the man described previously as well.) So let’s look at the qualities a wife should have:

1. She is a person her future spouse may have confidence in. One who brings him good, and not harm every day (not just when she feels like it). To choose a husband that does less would be disastrous, and an emotionally immature male, who does not constantly seek the best interests of his wife would best be described as abusive, so yes, these characteristics are universal.

2. She selects wool and flax. She knows how to pick quality products to meet her family’s needs. This too is a good trait in a man.

3. She works with eager hands. Again, a lazy man, who does not wish to work diligently, will not make a good spouse.

4. She does not mind traveling far to get the best quality food for her family. A man too should be willing to expend effort to see that his family has what is best.

5. She gets up early and makes sure everyone under her authority (her servants and her family) is well fed. A man too should not be prone to sleeping in nor negligent in making sure that the basic needs of the people in his care (and this may include employees) are being met.

6. She considers a field and buys it, and the start-up capital comes out of her earnings. She has resources and is able to start her own business and run it. (Remember, during this time in history, most people were self-employed.) A man too should aim to have extra earnings to invest and the knowledge to make wise decisions regarding those investments.

7. She works vigorously and her arms are strong enough to do the work that is necessary. Similarly a man should also be a vigorous worker and in good enough health to do the work he has chosen without tiring.

8. She sees that her trading is profitable. She does not make poor business decisions. A man too should be good with money, and his business dealings should be profitable. This means that he is not investing time or money in projects that will inevitably fail. This may include: degrees that have no real word application, get-rich quick schemes, having a dead-end job or being frequently out of work.

9. Her lamp does not go out at night. She remembers to do the little things that are necessary to a smoothly run life. Today this would be remembering to put the garbage out, changing the oil, not forgetting the things you need, like your wallet or cell-phone etc. These qualities are important for a man as well.

10. She sews. While she is a wealthy woman, she has the skills to do the basic tasks that would be needed if her family fell on hard times. Today this would include: basic maintenance of the home and car, coupon cutting and budgeting, home haircuts etc. These skills are good for a man to know as well, because even the best laid plans sometimes go awry. Further, men do sew in scripture. The Levites make the priestly robes. Men sewed items for the Tabernacle. Jacob made Joseph a coat of many colors etc. So while today fabric is often more expensive than premade clothing making more than basic sewing a luxury, sewing itself is not restricted to the women in the Bible.

11. She is generous to the poor and needy. A man who cannot give to those who are truly helpless, will not likely be generous to his wife and children either.

12. She does not fear the snow, since her household has what it needs. (More than what it needs, since they are clothed in scarlet, an expensive cloth.) Men too should seek to provide those under their care with more than what they need so that they do not have to fear being cold, or any other misery. The scarlet cloth also indicates that they are not hoarding their wealth by being stingy, but using it wisely to bless those in their care.

13. She decorates her house and dresses well. A man too should not be a slob, but should be able to dress and keep his surroundings in a way that garners respect. (But balanced with the verses to not be showy, meaning that what he does is respectful, not ostentatious and designed to make others feel small.)

14. Her husband is respected, meaning that her actions benefit him and do not demean him in the eyes of others. A man too should never do anything that would bring shame to his wife, whether through his own behavior, or by putting her down.

15. She makes garments and sells them. She has profitable skills. A man should also have skills that may bring extra income into the home.

16. She is confident, and does not worry about the future. This is not a false confidence, but because she knows she can handle life. A man too should have enough success in life, before being married, to be confident that he can handle whatever the future brings.

17. She speaks with wisdom and instructs others correctly. A man should also be known for giving advice that actually works.

18. She watches over the affairs of the people in her household and is not lazy. She knows what is going on in the lives of those she cares for. A husband too should know what is going on in his house.

19. Her children call her blessed and her husband praises her. She should be the type of woman who you would not think of making fun of. A man too should be someone whom put-downs would just seem silly if applied to him. People, especially those who are close to them, should respect both the man and the woman, or they are not ready to be wed. (They still have some growing up to do!)

20. She surpasses all women. This can only be true in the eyes of her husband, since it is advice to every man about the woman he is to marry. Her future husband should believe she is the best there is and he is lucky to have her. A future wife should believe the same about her future spouse.

21. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting. A wife should not be chosen based on her looks, or how much she flatters you and makes you feel like ‘the man.’ These things will not last. A woman should also not choose a spouse based on his looks and smooth talk. These too will fade, and often the guys with the smoothest lines can’t wait to try them out on someone else…

22. She should fear the Lord. Yes men, so should you.

23. She is to be praised and receive the rewards that result from what she has done. Her husband should not treat her earnings or accomplishments as if they were somehow his doing. Neither should a wife usurp the praise or rewards due to the husband for what he has done. This means that the man does not take a Bible teaching he heard his wife use and repeat it as his own, that a wife does not utilize all the household money on clothes while he has none to enjoy for his own needs etc.

In teaching Proverbs 31 as a list of criteria for a spouse in general might we motivate the young boys to strive harder, and encourage the young ladies to pick better, more mature men? Shouldn’t the man be at least as mature as his wife? Just a thought.

Photo by Matija Barrett

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Male/ Female, Marriage

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The Declaration of Independence on Relationships

June 19, 2013

IMG_2809
The Declaration of Independence describes to all nations, not just England, what tyranny looks like, and when it is right and proper to end a relationship. While this is a relationship between Mother England and her colony, it reasonably follows that tyranny is tyranny no matter what the relationship and that the same principles that defined a tyrannical leader in the 1700s should be applicable today.

So what principles can we apply to church, home, employment etc to ensure that we, whenever we have authority, are exercising it properly, and so that we, whenever we are under authority, know when it is proper to say enough is enough?

1. Everyone has a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Any behaviors that physically affect a person, keeps them from being free to leave the situation or keeps them from pursuing their dreams is an oppressive relationship. Sure, there are always choices that must be made, and one choice often precludes another choice, but the person whose life is affected by the choice should be either part of the choice, and/or be allowed to leave and choose to pursue happiness elsewhere. (The exception to this is incarceration, where your behavior required you to be separated from others for the good of society.)

2. People should try to restore the relationship, and should not break relationships for ‘transient’ causes (things that are short-lived), but when there is a ‘long train of abuses and usurpations’ then it is a person’s right and duty to throw off this form of government.

There are two important points here:

-The colony (the person under authority) has rights that can be usurped. Being in a position of authority therefore does not give one unlimited power.

-The person who is oppressive is the one who forced the other to break the relationship. It is therefore the oppressive persons fault the relationship failed. The oppressed was correct to leave.

So let us look at the specific things that England did, and examine how an individual may oppress another individual in a similar way.

1. The King, a tyrant, refused to consent to laws for the public good.

Many leaders have this problem. They either do not like to make decisions, or do not like to take advice, so there is little guidance and direction given to the people who are under their authority. Or, if there are rules in place, the leadership undermines these rules by refusing to back up the person charged with enforcing them, by somehow negating the rule or by telling the person in violation ‘not to worry about it.’ Rules provide protection from oppression, as well as a framework that defines how the work is to be done. Too few rules, or no back up leads to the chaos of anarchy, where everyone does whatever they feel to be ‘right.’

(Today, this would be the federal government not enforcing immigration laws, and denying the states the right to handle the problems this lack of enforcement creates themselves.)

2. No one can make necessary rules without the king’s consent.

The people under the king, but over others are not able to make decisions on their own. Everything must pass through the leader (king), except that the king is not available, so when a problem occurs no one feels like they have the right to handle the situation.

3. The person in charge creates situations that make discussions, or meetings so difficult that they are not worth having.

In a marriage, or an employee/employer relationship this may be a person that refuses to listen, yells and goes on the defensive whenever they fear someone may say anything they do not wish to hear. Or they may walk away. There is no way to solve problems since there is no easy method for communication.

4. When someone does stand up for what is right, the leader removes the person, or committee, or shuts down the methods of communication.

This may be shutting down the committee that brought the problem to their attention, removing the suggestion box, refusing to go to counseling/mediation or just being generally unavailable so that no conversations may occur. The person does not like the methods used by the person bringing the matter to their attention and makes no effort to offer another solution to facilitate conversation in a timely manner.

5. The leader makes the people under them aware that life will not go well for them if they do not cater to his whims.

The people under him are scared to disagree. They know that there will be things withheld or they may even lose their position if they do not keep the leader happy.

6. A tyrant also harasses people.

Why? To let them know that, if they think life is bad now, he has the power to make it worse. This keeps people fearful. They know the situation is bad, but they also know it will get worse if they make the leader unhappy by trying to change it.

7. The leader also uses an unreasonable amount of resources.

The person in charge feels that, because they are in charge, they are entitled to use the resources freely, without thought about the people under them and what they might need. In a home, this may be watching what you want on T.V. without thought to what others may wish to see, or what might be appropriate for young children. It may also be spending recklessly, even if it is within the ‘rules,’ even money is tight. In the home this attitude would be, ‘I make the money, so I am entitled to enjoy it.’
A leader in the workplace, or in government is responsible for making right and proper decisions, not skirting the rules so that things work to their, or the people they prefer’s, advantage.
This is not the attitude of someone with a servant’s heart who wants to see their family, business or country prosper.

8. A tyrant also maintains methods of keeping people in line when there is no reason to do so.

The people under this leader have given no indication that they may behave badly, yet the tyrant sets up rules and processes by which to catch people in the act of committing crimes there is no reason to assume they will commit. This creates an atmosphere of fear and perfectionism, where everyone under this authority is afraid of being caught making a mistake. Leaders who do this, like the King of England, often have a group of informants whose word trumps even the most respected people outside their circle. Signs of this type of leadership include excessive security cameras trained on the staff and people who fear meetings since they assume they may be called on the carpet for something at any minute, even though they cannot think of anything they could have done to deserve such treatment.

9. A leader does not respect the rights of the people under them.

For the King of England, this meant that he could quarter troops in private citizens’ homes. In a church, this style of leadership causes members of the congregation to feel that they cannot say no to requests on their time, hospitality or donation of money. In a family, this means you really should talk with your spouse before inviting people over, especially if it is for an extended stay. In the extreme this means, do not tell your mother she can move in with you without speaking to your spouse first!

10. Mock trials: A leader pretends to listen and play fair, but everyone knows the situation has already been decided and the process is a sham.

I attended a meeting once about a Bible study curriculum I did not feel was accurate. When I arrived the DVD series was not available to reference, and it was clear the decision was already made, regardless of what I may have to say, since the ‘decision maker’ was absent and someone was sent with typed notes in their place. Any time you decide to ‘humor’ a person, rather than getting to the root of the problem (which may be the person’s behavior, stubbornness or lack of knowledge) you have circumvented the process of true justice which, if done correctly, should lead to increased knowledge and maturity.

11. Cutting off trade and imposing unreasonable taxes.

A leader who limits what people can do outside of their authority, or makes a person jump through unnecessary hoops to serve is in spirit doing the same thing. They are restricting the opportunities a person has to use their skills in a productive way. This may occur in a marriage when one spouse places unreasonable demands on another that thwarts their ability to get a job or an education, instead of coming up along side of them to help them succeed. In a church, this may be excessive requirements for even the most qualified to go through before they may serve. Often these are tests of ‘loyalty’ designed to produce ‘yes-men’ who will give the leader little trouble even when what he wants to do is complete folly.

12. Creating pretend offenses that people under them must answer for.

A despot of a leader often has thin skin and believes that many completely innocent actions are really secret passive-aggressive moves aimed against them. Typically this is because the leader engages in passive-aggressive behavior and so believes that everyone around them is as guilty as they are. Sometimes is it the result of past bullies, who, because the leader was not sure of himself, were allowed to attack him and those he loves for far too long. Many discussions about supposed backstabbing are a sign that this may be the issue.

13. Arbitrary and constantly changing rules that the leader does not apply to everyone.

A tyrant by definition wants things his or her way. They are controlling and a symptom of this is that the rules do not apply to them, or the people they currently favor. Why? Because the rules are not about right or wrong, they are about controlling the people they do not see as worthy. The rules change frequently because they are based on the leader creating the environment they desire and not about what is truly right in each situation.

14. A tyrant feels free to change agreements whenever they wish, even agreements that were put into writing.

This type of leader believes that leadership means they can do whatever they want. Meeting times and other plans will often change at the last minute to fit their needs, because their schedule and what they do in life is very important. They do not see that this has any negative affect on those around them, since they view others as having less important things to do.

15. Declaring people ‘out of his protection’ and waging war against them is his way of maintaining control.

If you do not please this leader he will deny you the things that are under his control that are necessary for you to do your part in the relationship. He will go further and punish you for not doing what he has denied you the ability to do by withholding the resources (which may be information), or creating a time crunch so you will have to rush to get what he wants done, even though others have known about it for weeks.

16. He will enlist others to ‘punish’ you as well.

There are many types of mercenaries, and many reasons why people will be a mercenary even today. Sometimes it is just lack of information. The leader, who is trusted because of his position, has twisted the facts and painted such a bad picture of the person they are thwarting that other people react badly to the person as well. At other times, blind loyalty, or not wanting to be on the leader’s bad side themselves motivates others to avoid and alienate the person the leader is currently displeased with. The addition of these ‘mercenaries’ typically makes the person under such authority leave the situation. While this happens in a church or work environment, this can also happen in a family. Be cautious of the person who is always on the phone telling you how awful so-and-so is.

17. A tyrant incites trouble within the organization or group they are in charge of.

These are people who stir up strife. They are typically experts at making it look like they are not involved and are the only sane person in the situation. But, when there is a pattern of upset people around the person in charge, look closely. There are people who know exactly what to say to create contention. Why? So they can be the heroes; the only person everyone likes, and the person people go to with their problems. It is a way to gain power and control, although it may just be a sign of ineptitude. (i.e. I do not know how to lead, so I play the devil’s advocate to avoid a decision, and then blame the people I riled up for the delay in progress.)

Also contained in the Declaration are the things good people do to rectify these situations. They:

1. They address their problems to the appropriate people humbly.

2. They warn others of the leader’s behavior because they do not want to see them hurt. (This is not malicious gossip, since its intent is to help and the information is pertinent to the situation.)

3. They remind people of the agreements that were made, and show how the leader violated these agreements. (These are not charges with no basis, but things that can be proven and reviewed by others. Good people want the matter out in the open, where people can decide for themselves what is right or wrong. Tyrants want everything hushed up and kept secret. They believe that no one, even people who are appropriate to help in these situations, needs to know their business.)

4. Good people understand that oppression is intolerable and that there is a time when separation is necessary, although that time is only after many, many attempts to reconcile have been tried.

In short, a tyrant’s goal is not justice, but control. Their wish is for everything that is not to their liking to just go away. They punish anyone who doubts their way of doing things, they do not like constructive criticism and tend to see others who do not share their views as being out to get them. Tyrants create fictions about why people should blindly obey or follow them. Even when their motivations are good, they do not feel the need to explain themselves, which makes it difficult for people to follow them, since they do not understand why they are doing the things they were instructed to do. Tyrants may appear anywhere, and are not always the people who have actual positional authority. (For example, many three-year-olds are effective tyrants in homes where parental authority is lacking.) The root of tyranny is selfishness, and a belief that my way is the best way. A tyrant may do many good things, but it is because it serves their own interests (which may be being perceived as good) and not because it is the right and proper thing to do. Life with a tyrant has many ups and downs because it is the rules of whims and not the rule of righteousness that takes precedence (though a tyrant may cite the law, and what is right, when it suits his purpose, but abandons it, or sites a contradictory rule, when it does not).

I hope this helps you sort out the situations you are facing. Many people feel guilty leaving oppressive situations, or standing up and doing anything about them, when the fault and reason something must be done has nothing to do with their behavior, and everything to do with the person over them behaving as if they were the only one whose wants and opinions truly matter. (And yes, we can apply this to the situations in our government as well…)

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Church Problems, Life, Marriage

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